Should I Drink This or Wash My Hair With It?

Have you ever been in the shower, smelled your shampoo, and thought, "This smells delicious! I wish I could drink it." Or been washing your hands and thought, "This smells so good I want to lick my hands."

If you walk down the shampoo or soap aisles of any store you'll be bombarded with all kinds of yummy-sounding "flavors" of products you can't eat or drink. It can be very confusing.

For today, I've devised a quiz, to see if you can determine, by the flavor, if a product is a shampoo, soap, or some kind of actual food. (For the sake of this quiz, I'm going to consider hair conditioner as shampoo, and body wash as soap.) Let's see how you do.

1. "Vanilla Creme"--is it:
O A. Shampoo
O B. Soap
O C. Baby food
O D. Beverage
O E. Candy

Answer #1--B. Soap

2. "Coconut, Jojoba, and Macadamia Oils"--is it:
O A. Shampoo
O B. Soap
O C. Baby food
O D. Beverage
O E. Suntan lotion

Answer #2--A. Shampoo

3. "Mango Splash"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Aftershave

Answer #3--B. Soap

4. "Apple Mango with Rice and Vanilla"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Candy

Answer #4--C. Baby food

5. "Mango and Citrus Essence"-- is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Toothpaste

Answer #5--A. Shampoo

6. "Orange, Mango, Peach"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit, fruit, fruit

Answer #6--D. Beverage

7. "Warm Mango Sunset"--is it:
O A. Shampoo
O B. Soap
O C. Baby food
O D. Beverage
O E. Song by Jimmy Buffet

Answer #7--B. Soap

8. "Zucchini, Banana, and Amaranth"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Scented candle

Answer #8--C. Baby food

9. "Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramel"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Candy

Answer #9--E. Candy

10. "Chocolate"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Yarn

Answer #10--E. Yarn

11. "Green Apple"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit

Answer #11--A. Shampoo

12. "Juicy Green Apple"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit

Answer #12--A. Shampoo

13. "Apple Extract with Ceramide"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit (with Ceramide)

Answer #13--A. Shampoo
(Don't worry, I don't know what "Ceramide" is, either. I don't think anyone does.)

14. "Apple with Spinach"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit and vegetable

Answer #14--C. Baby food

15. "Crisp Pear and Fuji Apple"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit and fruit

Answer #15--B. Soap

16. "Champagne Mango and White Ginger"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Singing duo

Answer #16--B. Soap

17. "Coconut Water Vanilla Milk"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Song by Jimmy Buffet

Answer #17--A. Shampoo

18. "Fresh Melon Margarita"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Song by Jimmy Buffet

Answer #18--B. Soap

19. "Peppermint Meringue"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Pie

O F. Ice cream

Answer #19--B. Soap

20. "Sweet & Salty Caramel"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Scented Candle

Answer #20--E. Scented candle

And there you have it.

So, the next time you find yourself in a lounge chair on a sunny beach, listening to Jimmy Buffet, holding a tall glass with an umbrella sticking out of it, ask yourself this question: Should I wash my hair with this?

Edited from a post originally published on 4/21/2017.

Are We Really Making History?

Do you want to make history? Sure you do! You want to do something so important that it's historic.

But, making history isn't easy. It takes something absolutely phenomenal to make history. It's pretty rare when what you do is so noteworthy that it actually makes history.

Or is it? Here are a few headlines of some people who were able to make history in just the past few weeks:

"8 Winners Make History at 2019 Spelling Bee"--For the first time in history, the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended with more than two winners. Eight kids tied for first place.

"Toronto Raptors Make History with First Trip to NBA Finals"--Spoiler Alert: they didn't just make the finals, they won the finals, making them the first Canadian team in history to win the NBA Championship.

"2019 Sound Designer Tony Awards Make History"--Jessica Paz, co-sound designer for Hadestown, became the first woman to be nominated and also the first to win for the Best Sound Design of a Musical category at the Tony Awards.

"Giannis Antetokounmpo and Luka Doncic Make History in 2019 NBA Awards"--It was the second time that the NBA Most Valuable Player and Rookie of the Year were awarded in the same year to players who were born outside the United States. (So, despite what the headline says, they really didn't make history, they just repeated history.)

"Argentina Make History, Canada Labour to Win"--At the FIFA Women's World Cup (soccer), the team from Argentina played Japan to a 0-0 draw, earning the team one point in the standings. It was the first point the Argentine women's team had ever earned in World Cup play. (Yes, they "made history" by playing in a scoreless game. Hooray for history!)

Are we really making history?

All these things are wonderful achievements (well, except for the 0-0 draw), but are they really historic? I guess that depends on how you define history. If you define history as something that will be in future history books and taught at schools in history classes, then none of these headlines depict events that actually made history. (In the far-flung future, nobody will care about the 2019 Tony Award for Best Sound Design for a Musical.) (Heck, in 2019 very few people care.)

However, if you define history as an event or achievement that somebody might find noteworthy, then we all are making history every day. Everything we do might be historic to somebody. You might make history by losing ten pounds this week. Someone else might make history by getting up for five days in a row without hitting the snooze button on their alarm. I might make history by doing six loads of laundry in one day.

So, go ahead and make some history. You might even get your own headline. (Just don't expect it all to be truly historic.)

Mr. Mom vs. Stay-At-Home Dad

First things first: I am not Mr. Mom. I'm a stay-at-home dad. (Yes, there is a difference.)

Having said that, if anyone calls me "Mr. Mom," I'm not going to get all upset or offended by it. (One of the biggest problems in the world today is that people get offended too easily, and if that statement offends you, I don't really care.) I'm not very fond of the term "Mr. Mom," but I can certainly understand why people use it. Heck, I've used it myself. It's a quick, two-word shorthand for my current employment situation.

I mean, which would you say, "I'm a Mr. Mom," or, "I quit my truck driving job to be a writer, and since my wife is a full-time school teacher I end up doing a lot of the day-to-day household chores like the dishes, the laundry, and tending, bathing, and feeding the kids?" Depending on who I'm talking to, it's so much quicker and easier to just say, "I'm a Mr. Mom," so that's what I do, even though that's not quite what I am.

I have a spatula (and I'm not afraid to use it!)

Why don't I like the term "Mr. Mom?" There are certain sexist connotations to it. For one thing, it assumes the many things involved in raising children are all women's work. You know, stuff only a "Mom" does. And then when you put the "Mr." in front of the Mom, it implies that, since this is a guy doing all of this women's work, it's not going to be done as well. And yes, my wife is much better at "Momming" than I am, but that's okay because I'm not the Mom, I'm the Dad. (A Dad who happens to stay at home.)

We don't call a woman who works full-time to support the family a "Mrs. Dad," do we? So why should we use "Mr. Mom" for a stay-at-home dad?

I'll be honest, when I first became a stay-at-home dad, I had no idea how much work it would involve or how much time it would take. I thought I'd be able to spend most of my 9:00-to-5:00 time writing, with an occasional diaper change sprinkled in throughout the day. I was wrong. (Oh, so wrong!) Watching two kids under five years old is something that demands my constant attention. And if I am able to grab a free moment when they are eating/napping/playing with toys by themselves, I'm more likely to collapse from exhaustion than actually write.

Sometimes the kids even "help" me write!

But, it's not always just poopy diapers and runny noses (even though it may seem that way at times.) Being a stay-at-home dad means I'm also there for the smiles and the giggles. I'm there to sing songs and dance. I'm there to help them learn their colors, and their letters, and how to count. (Which is why, for several weeks, my daughter thought the color green was called "Hulk-smash.") Yes, it's a lot of work, but it's also a lot of fun.

I'm not sure how much longer I can afford to be a stay-at-home dad. Finances may dictate that I go back into the work force fairly soon. But if that happens, I'll do so with a new respect for all the work that goes into taking care of small children. And I'll always appreciate my time as Mr. Mom. (Even though I'm not Mr. Mom.)


Edited from a post originally published on 6/9/2017.

My Writer's Retreat...at the Car Dealership

I'm a writer. I like to write. I like to have a nice, quiet place to get away from it all so that I can write.

I'm a dad. I like being a dad. I like to spend time doing fun things with my kids.

Unfortunately, those two things aren't always compatible. It's difficult to write while being a dad. It's almost impossible to find a nice, quiet place to concentrate on my craft with four kids hanging around.

Some writers deal with this problem by going on a writer's retreat--someplace to get away from all the distractions that make it difficult to write. Usually, a writer will retreat to a resort or spa or somewhere quiet and comfortable. Unfortunately, as a father of four, and as a writer who hasn't made much (any) money writing, I can't really afford to go on a traditional writer's retreat.

And, as a father of four, I drive a mini-van. We've had our mini-van for nine years, and in that time we've put over 116,000 miles on it. When a vehicle gets that many miles on it, some preventative maintenance--belts and fluids and filters and such--needs to be done. 

What does this have to do with writing? Well, I took the mini-van in for maintenance, and I brought my laptop with me--I took my writer's retreat at the car dealership!

On the day of my appointment/retreat, I woke up early, showered, and left the house before any of the kids got out of bed. I arrived at the dealership when they opened at 7:00 AM, expecting four or five hours of writing time. I was a bit surprised to find they were going to keep the car all day--I had a full 10 hours for my writer's retreat!

I set myself up in the dealership's waiting room. It's a fairly large room with reasonably comfortable chairs, free wi-fi, complementary fountain drinks, and unlimited popcorn. Unfortunately, it also contains a large television. I picked a chair without a view of the screen, but with a nearby electrical outlet. Surprisingly, the television wasn't much of a distraction. Three hours of local news are especially easy to tune out when they repeat the same stories every twenty minutes. Also, it'd be difficult to find a television show more effortless to ignore than Live with Kelly and Whoever. 

The perfect getaway!
(That's my laptop in the corner chair.)

Of course, I wasn't alone in the waiting room. People came in and out all day, but most of them spent their time gazing at their personal screens, or gawking at Kelly Ripa. Only occasionally did someone interrupt the quiet by actually speaking, and then it was usually a short, one-sided conversation into their telephone.

I didn't spend all day in the waiting room. (Unlimited popcorn has its limits.) At lunchtime I wandered over to a nearby restaurant for a patty melt and some fries, and I stopped in at the gourmet cookie store for a gourmet cookie. It was good to stretch my legs, and I came back to my waiting room chair refreshed, recharged, and ready to write.

The writing was going quite nicely--until I ran into a distraction impossible to ignore: Judge Judy! From the moment she started talking, Judge Judy presided over the waiting room with an iron fist. As much as I wanted to turn a deaf ear, I couldn't help but listen as Judge Judy asked the plaintiff and defendant questions, then told them to shut up when they tried to answer her. I couldn't write with Judge Judy on the television. She was a much more annoying distraction than my kids--at least they are occasionally entertaining. (Judge Judy just makes me shake my head.)

I was able to find a chair outside of the waiting room, away from the pull of the television. It didn't have an outlet, so I had to hope my laptop's battery could outlast the diminutive, opinionated magistrate. (It did.)

It turned out to be a very productive day. I got more writing done in ten hours than I would have in a whole week at home with the kids. But, as great as it was, I wouldn't want to do it too often. (I'm a dad, and I love being around my kids.)

Still, overall it was a fantastic writer's retreat, and it didn't cost me anything! (Well, except for the hundreds of dollars I paid the dealership for the mini-van maintenance.) (And an earful of Judge Judy.)

McDonald's: The Unwritten Rules

Sometimes the call of the Golden Arches is too strong to ignore. We've all fallen for it, whether it be because we're desperately hungry, don't have enough money to go anywhere else, longing for the comfortable familiarity of that boot-shaped McNugget, it's the only place open at 2:00 AM, or we foolishly told the kids they could choose where we eat.

McDonald's is ubiquitous. McDonald's is inevitable. McDonald's is inescapable. You will eat at McDonald's again.

Don't get too friendly with the clown. (I don't trust him.)

And the next time you do go there, it's best to keep in mind the Unwritten Rules of Eating at McDonald's:

*If you check your bag at the drive-thru, it will always be correct, although you'll annoy the car behind you; if you don't check your bag before pulling away, something will be wrong or missing. (At the very least they'll have forgotten to give you napkins.)

*Don't fall for the Happy Meal trap. Just buy the kids stuff off of the dollar menu, because it's not worth the extra two dollars you'll pay for a Happy Meal just to get some cheap-o toy you'll end up stepping on and throwing away in two days.

Not only are you paying extra for the Happy Meal toy, you're also paying extra for the box. (Creepy!)

*If you have a chicken (or fish) sandwich and a hamburger, always eat the chicken (or fish) sandwich first, because a cold hamburger tastes better than a cold chicken (or fish) sandwich.

*If you are in a big hurry, do not order the Filet O Fish.

*If you order your drink with no ice, but it comes with ice anyway, just deal with it. (If you send it back and ask them to fix it, the chance of someone spitting in your drink more than doubles.)

*The "bonus" fries at the bottom of your drive-thru bag are always the best ones.

*Always grab more napkins than you think you'll need, because you will need more than you think.

*Don't bother with whatever limited-edition "gourmet" burger they're pushing. If you wanted something "gourmet," you certainly wouldn't be at McDonald's in the first place.

*Do you know why there's a warning saying that the apple pie filling is hot? Because it's hot, you moron! It's hotter than the molten lava of an erupting volcano!

*Whatever you do, do NOT take a bite of that McRib!!!

Thanks for the warning!

*Don't go up into the PlayPlace to retrieve your child. You do not want to be the adult who gets stuck up in the PlayPlace. Besides, they will come down on their own.... Eventually.... If you wait long enough.... Just be patient....Any time now.... Don't make me come up there and get you!!!





Edited from a post originally published on 6/13/2017.

On the Phone with a Parent

Have you ever tried to talk on the phone with a parent of young children? Good luck with that. Oh, you could have a perfectly nice conversation with them. Or, they might suddenly yell at one of their children in the middle of an otherwise normal sentence. Think of it as "parental tourette's."

It might go a little something like this:

BRENDA: "Hi, Joanie! How are you doing?"

JOANIE: "Great! It's so good to hear from you. How are things with you and Eddie?"

BRENDA: "We're doing fine. It's funny, we were talking about you just the other--Jimmy!!! Get off of the piano!!!--day."

JOANIE: "Oh really? Why was that?"

BRENDA: "Well, we were thinking about--I said get off of the piano!!! We don't climb on top of the piano!!!--going to the lake, and we were talking about that time we went with--Get that out of your mouth!!! Jenny, is that food? No, it's not! What do we put in our mouth? Only food! That's not food! Get it out of your mouth!!!--that time we went to the lake with you and Scott. That was a great time, wasn't it?"

JOANIE: "Yes, it was. Wow, how many years ago was that?"

BRENDA: "I think it was four or--Don't feed your banana to the cat!!! Cats don't eat bananas! No!!!--five years ago. I think I might have been pregnant with--Don't eat that!!! Once it's been in the cat's mouth, you can't put it in your mouth!!!--I think I was pregnant with Jimmy."

JOANIE: "Yes, that sounds right."

Getting an earful.

BRENDA: "Anyway, Eddie and I were wondering if you guys--Jimmy!!! She had that first!!! Give it back to her! She had it first!!!--wanted to go to the lake with us in a couple of weeks?"

JOANIE: "Hey, that sounds like fun. We haven't been to the--"

BRENDA: "I told you to give it to her!!! Jimmy!!! Now!!!"

JOANIE: "--lake since that time with you guys. We should do that. When are you planning on going?"

BRENDA: "We were thinking about heading out next Friday, then staying over--Don't put the pencil in your yogurt!!!--night and coming home sometime Sat--Take the pencil out of the yogurt!!! No, you can't eat that yogurt now!--Saturday evening. We were thinking of staying at that same cabin. What do you think?"

JOANIE: "That could be fun. I'll talk to--"

BRENDA: "Because you can't stir the yogurt with a pencil!!! That's why we have spoons!!!"

JOANIE: "--I'll talk to Scott and see what--"

BRENDA: "Because there's lead in the pencil!!! Lead isn't good for you!!! You can't eat yogurt with lead in it!!!"

JOANIE: "--he thinks."

BRENDA: "Okay. Let me know when you--Don't lick the pencil!!!--decide and we'll book the cabin."

JOANIE: "Umm, are you bringing the kids?"

BRENDA: "Because we don't lick pencils!!!--Of course we will. They'll love it at--Because I said so!!! And because a pencil is not food!!!--the lake. Jimmy loves to swim."

JOANIE: "Umm, I think I just remembered--"

BRENDA: "Do you want to go to time-out!?!"

JOANIE: "--that we have something to do that day. Maybe some other time."

BRENDA: "That's too bad. It'd be great to get together with you guys and do something."

JOANIE: "Yes, some other time. Well, I've got to--"

BRENDA: "Don't even THINK about giving that pencil to the cat!!!"

JOANIE: "--go now. I'll talk to you later."

BRENDA: "Okay. It's been great talking to you. Good--Jimmy!!! Don't fart on your sister!!!--bye."



Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

The Answer to "I'm Bored"

"I'm bored."

School's out and summer is here, so you know what that means: the kids are going to say, "I'm bored." Every good parent will have an answer ready for that statement. And, even mediocre parents like me have a few ideas of what to say. Here are some you could try:

"I'm bored." "Well, I guess we'll have to find some work for you to do."

"I'm bored." "Have you finished your chores?"

"I'm bored." "Why don't you go read a book?"

"I'm bored." "Why don't you go write a book?"

"I'm bored." "Maybe you could count how many tiles there are on the kitchen floor."

"I'm bored." "Yay! Nap time! I love nap time!"

"I'm bored." "Okay. Perhaps now would be a good time to learn how to operate the lawn mower."

"I'm bored." "Have you tried twiddling your thumbs?"

"I'm bored." "Don't you have toys to play with? I know your mother and I have spent a lot of money over the years on toys. I guess they weren't very good toys. Maybe we should gather all of your toys up and give them away?"

"I'm bored." "Go stare into an electronical device. It seems to appease everyone else."

"I'm bored." "Well, apparently we need to find you more chores."

"I'm bored." "Do you have an imagination? Use it."

"I'm bored." "Hi, Bored, I'm Dad." (Honestly, if you give them this answer every time they say "I'm bored," they will eventually stop saying it.) (I guess kids just don't appreciate a good dad joke.)

Edited from a post originally published on 6/6/2017.

9 Kids You Meet At the Playground

Summer is here! (Not officially until June 21st, but come on, it's after Memorial Day, so can't we all agree that it's summer?) That means it's time to take the kids to the park. And that means you're going to run into those kids on the playground. Which kids? These kids:

1. The Kid Who Goes Up the Slide the Wrong Way. This kid insists on climbing up the slide while other kids are trying to slide down it. (And he gets annoyed at the kids who are using the slide in the correct manor.)

2. The Kid Who Stands At the Top of the Slide, But Won't Go Down. This kid quickly climbs to the top of the slide, but when he gets there he is suddenly too afraid to go down the slide. Or maybe he just likes the view from the top of the slide. Either way, the line of kids forming behind him is getting a little restless.

3. The Kid Who Throws Wood Chips Everywhere. Instead of having dirt or gravel on the ground, many playgrounds now have wood chips covering the entire area. And some kids just can't resist the wood chips. They'll pile them on the slide. They'll put them on the swings. They'll throw them at other kids. They'll attempt to eat them. Hooray for wood chips!

4. The Kid Who Won't Get Off the Slide. This kid will go down the slide...but won't get off of the slide. They'll sit at the bottom slide, as if they own it, until the next kid (or two or three) come down the slide and slam into them.

Maybe someone else wants to come down that slide?

5. The Kid Who Wanders In Front of the Swings as Someone Else Is Swinging. This kid is totally oblivious to his surroundings, and walks in front of (or behind) the swings when someone is swinging in them. This kid is always shocked and surprised when the physical laws of nature (and a kid in a swing) come crashing into them, knocking them to the ground.

6. The Kid Who Won't Let Any Other Kids Play. This kid will monopolize a certain part of the playground, and not let anyone else play. They might stay on a swing for several hours, even though other kids express interest in having a turn on the swing. They might control the teeter-totter for large swaths of the day. They might chase everyone else away from the rock wall so they can have it to themselves. They are not good at sharing.

Rocking the rock wall!

7. The Kid Who Crowds In Front of Other Kids. Is there a line for the slide? No matter--this kid will just shove his way to the front. He's more important than everyone else, and he is not going to wait.

8. The Kid Who Cries. This kid might be afraid of the swing. He might think the slide is too tall or too fast. He might not like it when another kid touches him. He might have seen a bug. He might have pooped in his pants. Or maybe he's crying because that's just what he does.

9. The Kid Who Won't Stop Talking. This kid will tell you anything and everything about themselves, their siblings, their parents, their pets, their teachers, and their philosophies of life, love, and politics--whether you want to hear them or not. (Usually not.) They think everyone at the playground wants to hear it all, and they just. won't. stop. talking.

Bonus #10. The Adult Who Thinks He's Still a Kid. It's great that you're still young at heart, but just because you can fit down the slide doesn't mean you should be sliding. Also, that swing wasn't designed for a 280 pound adult!