Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Things I've Actually Said Because I Am a Dad

There's an old axiom that states that "kids say the darndest things." And while that may be true, it's also true that because of kids, adults say some pretty weird stuff, too. Due to the fact that I am a father, I have uttered some combinations of words that should never have been formulated together to make a sentence. For instance, I never thought I would have to say, "Your nose is not a toybox," but I did.

Here are a few other things I've actually said because I'm a dad:

"Don't comb your brother's toes!"--Yes, I see that you have a comb. I'm not sure how you got a comb, but you have one. But, your brother doesn't have any hair on his toes. They don't need to be combed. Really.

"Is there barf in my pocket?"--I like to wear shirts that have a pocket on the front. Sometimes they come in handy. You never know when you might need to put something in your pocket. Children's barf, however, is not something I've ever wanted and/or needed in my pocket.

"Get your foot out of the measuring cup."--Despite what you might think, a measuring cup will never be a good replacement for a shoe.

"Don't stand on the tambourine."--The tambourine is one of the most useless musical instruments ever created. But that doesn't mean you should stand on it.

"The toilet is not a toy!"--I can see where this might be confusing. Toilet does, after all, have "toy" right there in the word.

"There is no milk in my knuckle."

"My knee does not need to be stirred."--Yes, I see that you have taken the whisk out of the kitchen drawer. But no, you don't need to stir my knee with it.

"Please don't whisk the cat."--Truth be told, no one under two years old should be using a whisk unsupervised. But, now that you've whisked the cat with it, please put it in the sink and not back in the drawer with the other "clean" whisks.

"Get the fork out of your hair."--Yet one more thing that my 23 month-old daughter has in common with Ariel from The Little Mermaid. (Along with the knack for doing the exact opposite of what her father tells her to do.)

"Lasagna is not a finger food."--Lasagna is even messier to eat with your fingers than macaroni and cheese. (Mac and cheese is not a finger food, either.)

"Hot chocolate is not a finger food."--That finger lasagna is not looking so bad right now.

"Get your finger out of your milk!"--Why? Well, as you may have guessed by now, milk is not a finger food.

"Please hold still so I can sniff your bum."--There's a slight chance that this sentence could be uttered by someone who is not a parent, but if so, I really don't want to know about it.

And finally, here's something I actually said just last week:
"Please don't dip your cheese balls in the cat's water dish!"--I'd explain the circumstances, but it's pretty much inexplicable. (Just like most everything else I say these days.)

Now, it's your turn. Please send in the strangest things you've ever said as a parent. You can use the comment section below, or comment on my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/slowjoe40/. The person with the best strange thing will win a check for $1.32! Let's hear what weird things your children have caused you to say!

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