You Have Absolutely No Idea....

You think you're pretty smart, don't you? You've got everything under control. You've been around the block a few times. You know what you're doing. You know how things work. You've got it all figured out.

But, there are still some things you have no clue about.

When you go to someone else's house you have absolutely no idea how to turn on their television. Oh, you know how to turn on your own television, but when you go to someone else's house you don't have the first clue. There are somewhere between three and eight remote controls, and you don't have the faintest idea which one turns on the television. Back in the old days you could just walk up to the television and press the "on" button. They don't have those anymore. You'll have to try to figure out which remote is for which exact function. There'll be a remote for turning on the television. There'll be one for changing the channels. There'll be one for volume control. There'll be one for the DVD player. There'll be one for the VCR, which hasn't been connected to the television for about twelve years. Sometimes one remote will actually be able to perform more than one function, but you'll have no way of knowing that unless you just start randomly pushing buttons on remotes, and if you start randomly pushing buttons on remotes, you might end up signing up for Hulu, or accidentally purchasing Transformers VII: Truck Or Robot. (No one wants to accidentally purchase Transformers VII.) You'll eventually just have to hand the remotes to the person who lives there and let them turn on the television for you.

One for the "on" button, one for the volume, one for the cable box, one for the DVD, one for the surround sound, one for the VCR, one for the DVD/VCR combo, one for the....

But, other than that you really are on top of things. Except....

When you go to open a new loaf of bread, you have absolutely no idea which direction to turn the twisty tie, do you? You'll grab hold of the twisty tie and you'll start to twist it. You'll get two or three twists in, with no significant results, and you'll wonder, "Am I twisting this the right way? Am I loosening it, or am I tightening it?" You'll stop, look at the twisty tie, and try to decide which direction to twist it. You'll think, "Lefty-loosie, righty-tighty," but then you'll wonder if that's just for nuts and bolts or if applies to twisty ties, too. You'll try to remember if you've been twisting it left or twisting it right. You'll start untwisting again and wonder, "Is this the way I already started to untwist it, or am I actually retwisting it the way I was untwisting it earlier?" You'll question every decision you've made in your entire life. Eventually you might even get it open and get yourself a piece of bread or two.

I might never be able to get to that bread!

But, you've got a pretty good grip on everything else. Except....

When you go to a hotel, or a motel, or stay at someone else's house, you have absolutely no idea how to turn the shower on. And if you can get the water on, you don't know which way to turn it for hot water, and which way to turn it for cold water. You'll turn the knob in a direction that you think will get you hot water, but you'll put your hand under it, and it will still be cold. You'll wonder if that's because you've turned it to the cold setting, or if it's just one of those showers that takes a long time to for the hot water to get actually hot. You'll give up and try the other way, but it will be cold, too. After going back and forth another time or two, you'll eventually find some hot water. Then you'll try to adjust the water so that it's neither scalding nor chilling. You'll desperately attempt to figure out how to get the water to a temperature that is just right. It's as if you are Goldilocks and this shower faucet is the porridge of the Three Bears, and you just want to find that Baby Bear's porridge! After several small, precise adjustments, you'll land upon a temperature that is bearable, and you'll actually attempt to take a shower. (The temperature may or may not fluctuate several times during the course of your shower.) When you finally finish your shower and exit the bathroom, your travel companions will be wondering what the heck took you so long in there. Whatever you do, don't tell them you were looking for Baby Bear's porridge. They'll think you're stranger than they already do.

But, other than that, you really know what's going on.