Joe Fix-It Actually Fixes It!

I am a man of many skills. Okay, so "many" might be overstating it. But, I do have some skills. Fixing things around the house is not one of them. "Joe Fix-It" is not something I am called on a regular basis, unless it is used sarcastically. (You know, like a really big guy that everyone calls "Tiny.")

(For more on my inability to fix things, see: Joe Fix-It Strikes Out Again.)

The Wife had been saying that we could use a new shower head in the bathroom the kids use. She especially wanted one with a hose on it for the kids so they can work on washing their own hair with the shower head instead of the dump-a-cup-of-water method.

So, back in November I saw a shower head on sale at Costco, and I bought it. When she saw it before I could hide it, I told The Wife that it was an early Christmas present. And then, I put it down and did nothing with it. Why? Because installing the new shower head would mean putting my non-existent fix-it abilities to use. What if I couldn't install it on my own and needed to ask The Wife to help me? I didn't need that kind of embarrassment, so I set the shower head down and ignored it.

Time to install the new shower head!

Yes, I realize it is now February. A fair amount of time has passed since I bought the shower head in November. It can no longer be called an "early" Christmas present, unless we are talking about next Christmas. (Remember how I said I had "some" skills? Well, procrastination is one of them. I am very skilled at procrastination.)

The first step in installing the new shower head is getting it out of its package. Easier said than done. This thing is hermetically sealed in plastic. There is no "open here" tab or anything, just a plastic package sealed up tighter than Fort Knox. It would be easier to release Han Solo from his encasement in carbonite than to get this shower head out of its plastic.

How to open the unopenable package?

Eventually, with a couple of precision cuts, I am able to get the scissors to penetrate the plastic, and I open the package. The first thing I pull out of the package is this disturbing notice:

This is not encouraging.

The "STOP" notice frightens me. It reads: "STOP Need help? Call us. We're here to help. PLEASE CALL US BEFORE YOU CONSIDER RETURNING THE PRODUCT TO THE RETAILER."

This scares me because apparently people often need help, and people often get so discouraged trying to install this product that they frequently consider returning it to the retailer. I'm already not very confident in my ability to install this thing without help from The Wife. Now, they've got me wondering if I should even try.

Next, I open the installation instructions.

Lots of instructions. (In three languages.)

There are a lot of instructions, and it seems pretty daunting. I look at the first instruction.

They didn't include the crescent wrench? I feel ripped off!

Okay, I need an adjustable wrench. (We called it a "crescent" wrench back on the farm.) I go get an adjustable wrench. (I may not be very good at fixing things, but after years of "helping" my Dad fix things, I'm very good at going to get tools.)

The instructions say to use the adjustable wrench to remove the old shower head. Sounds easy enough, except that the adjustable wrench isn't going to do any good on this shower head:

It doesn't matter how much you adjust it, an adjustable wrench will not help here.

So, I have to track down a pair of pliers to get the old shower head off. The only pliers I have are pretty small, and will barely go around the part that needs taken off. I look for a bigger pair of pliers, but can't find anything. I start to think I might have to go to the hardware store to get a big pair of pliers. But, I decide to give it a try with my little pliers. Thankfully, the old shower head isn't on very tight, and my little pliers get a good enough grip to remove the old shower head.

I then have to take the new shower head base and screw it into the pipe, then tighten it down with the adjustable wrench. The problem is that the instructions say: DO NOT OVER-TIGHTEN. (That's their bold type, not mine.) This particular instruction always presents a dilemma for me. Where is that magical place between not tight enough and too tight? How do I know when it is tight but not over-tight?

I give it my best guess, then move on. Next, I have to connect the hose to the base and to the new shower head. This is simple enough.

And then....I'm done? That's it? That's all it took? That seemed a little too easy, didn't it?

I cautiously reach in and turn the shower on to see if it works, fully expecting water to come spurting out of the pipe where I undoubtedly either under-tightened or over-tightened, but nothing bad happens. The water flows from the new shower head just like it is supposed to. I have done nothing wrong! The shower head is properly installed!

Joe Fix-It fixed it!!!

In the end, it took about as long to open the package as it did to actually install the shower head! I literally spent more time opening the package and looking for tools than I did putting on the new shower head.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself. I AM Joe Fix-it!!! I successfully installed a shower head! I'm unstoppable! Who knows, maybe next I'll build a gazebo for our back yard! (Or maybe not.)