When I was a kid I loved going to my Grandma's house and looking at her Christmas catalogs. She'd always have the Sears catalog, plus catalogs for JC Penney, Montgomery Ward, and something called Spiegel.
My favorite sections of the catalogs were, of course, the toys, and also the NFL section, which included clothes, bedding, garbage cans, and other knick knacks with the logo of your favorite team printed on them. (Some items would only have a few teams available. If they didn't have the Vikings, I would get upset.)
I miss the Christmas catalogs of my youth. But that's not to say I can't be entertained by the catalogs of today. The other day we got a catalog in the mail for something called "Hammacher Schlemmer." According to the blurb on the cover, it is "America's Longest Running Catalog," and it has been "Offering the Best, the Only and the Unexpected for 167 years."
|The Catalog of Useless Expensive Junk!|
I almost threw it straight into the garbage. I'm glad I didn't. It actually was pretty fun to peruse. (It had been quite a while since I'd enjoyed a good perusal.) Here's some of the fun stuff I found amid the 88 pages of useless crap:
1. The Hand Carved English Rocking Zebra-- The cover featured a picture of a zebra riding horse. Eventually I found it inside the catalog.
|Everyone needs a rocking zebra!|
Wait….Did you say $9,000? Yes, I did.
|$9,000? Seems reasonable.|
2. The Electric Kazoo-- Not everything in the catalog is as useless and expensive as the zebra. I mean, who doesn't need an electric kazoo?
|That wonderful kazoo sound can be amplified at long last!|
3. The Darth Vader Pancake Maker-- Many people like pancakes. Many people like Star Wars. Why not combine the two?
|I find your lack of syrup disturbing.|
4. The Darth Vader Toaster-- Of course, if you think the pancake maker isn't Darth Vadery enough, you could always get the toaster.
|"Toast, I am your father."|
5. The Selfie Toaster-- But, what if you're one of those weirdos who doesn't like Star Wars, but you do like to have things imprinted on your toast? It's okay. Hammacher's got you covered.
|Who wouldn't want an image of themselves burned into their toast?|
6. The 8' Inflatable Elsa-- Perhaps you'd like a giant inflatable Disney princess in your front yard?
|Do you want to build a snowman?|
7. The Bearded Beanie-- If Elsa has turned your town into a harsh, frozen winterscape, maybe you'd be interested in a stocking cap with a built-in beard?
|For those times you want to look like Zach Galifianakis.|
8. The Pinchless Electrolysis Hair Remover-- However, if you are opposed to facial hair, Hammacher has something for you, too.
|Just don't get it confused with your light-saber.|
9. The Single Handed Barber-- But that's not the only hair removal item Hammacher offers.
|Too bad there's not a 'before' and 'after' picture.|
10. The Walk By Scrabble Board-- What's better than the family fun of playing a board game together?
|Look! I got a Double Word Score for "LAME!"|
11. The Handcrafted Hippopotamine Sofa-- Have you ever wanted to sit on a hippopotamus? Who hasn't?
|It's a hippo! It's a couch! It's a hippo and a couch!!!|
Wait...what!?! $95,000??? You've got to be kidding, right?
|Yes, that's right: $95,000!!!|
And, those are just a few of the many items that can be found in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog this year. (For more fun, go to hammacher.com) I found it very entertaining, and I hope you did, too. And now, I'm off to have some breakfast. What do you think, should I have a Darth Vader pancake, or some selfie toast?