Monday, July 21, 2014

Toilet Seat Up or Toilet Seat Down? (A Definitive Study)

It's happened to all of us.

You go to the bathroom to take care of some business, but when you get to the toilet you find that the seat is not in the position you wanted and/or expected it to be!

What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO???

Over the years a lot of male/female relationships have been torn asunder simply because of the placement of the toilet seat. It needn't be that way.

I thought it was time to do a definitive study of the situation, weighing the advantages and disadvantages of each of the possible toilet seat positions to see if we can come to a consensus as to the absolute best placement of the toilet seat.

For the purposes of this study, I'm going to assume that men pee while standing, and that women pee while sitting. (Neither is always the case, but I'm going to play the percentages.) Also, when referring to the processes of going to the bathroom, I am going to use the terms "pee" and "poop" instead of "urinate" and "defecate," mostly because I think "pee" and "poop" are funnier.

Position #1: Lid Up, Seat Up
POSITION #1: Lid Up, Seat Up:

Advantage for Men: Prime position for peeing in the potty.
Disadvantage for Men: Must lower the seat to poop.

Advantage for Women: Ummm…the joy of knowing they have left the toilet in the best possible position for their man. (Yes, I know that is quite a reach.)
Disadvantage for Women: Must lower the seat to pee and/or to poop. (We'll discuss this disadvantage in more detail later.)

General Advantages: It's a large water bowl for your dogs and/or cats! (Assuming that is something you might want.)
General Disadvantages: Dogs and cats can lick your toilet water. (Assuming this is something you might not want.) Flushes are noisier. Splatter from flushing might escape toilet onto surrounding areas. Things (combs, toothbrushes, deodorant, jewelry, etc.) might fall into toilet. Small and/or mischievous  children are more likely to play in the toilet water.

Position #2: Lid Up, Seat Down

POSITION #2: Lid Up, Seat Down:

Advantage for Men: Prime position for pooping. Makes their women happy.
Disadvantage for Men: Must raise seat to pee. (Of course, there are some men who view the seat down as an opportunity for target practice. They attempt to pee into the toilet without getting any on the seat. My advice to these men: DON'T! Numbers* show that 98.2% of all men who try to pee through the toilet seat end up getting some pee on it. So don't even try.) (*True, I just made up those numbers, but I'm 89.4% sure that they are fairly accurate.)

Advantage for Women: Prime position for pee and/or poop.
Disadvantage for Women: Worry that their man might pee on the seat.

General Advantages: Water bowl for larger dogs and cats with good balance. Good for a laugh if a cat with bad balance happens to fall in.
General Disadvantages: Pretty much the same as the General Disadvantages for Lid Up, Seat Up, except a little less. A little less noisier flush. A little less flush splatter. A little less likely to have things fall into the bowl. A little less likely kids play in the water. But all still possible.

Position #3: Lid Down, Seat Down

POSITION #3: Lid Down, Seat Down:

Advantage for Men: None.
Disadvantage for Men: Must raise lid to poop. Must raise lid and seat to pee.

Advantage for Women: None.
Disadvantage for Women: Must raise lid to pee and/or poop.

General Advantages: No animals drinking from toilet. No kids playing in toilet water. Quieter flush. No toilet flush splatter. Things won't fall into toilet. Toilet can be used as a chair, so you have a place to sit while you put on your shoes. Hides dirty toilet bowl from sight. Helps contain toilet bowl odors.

General Disadvantages: Must provide a separate water bowl for your dogs and/or cats. Slight chance there will be a surprise for you when you open the lid if the person before you didn't flush.

So there you have it, all of the advantages and disadvantages of the three possible toilet seat/lid configurations. 

And, after considering all of the data and weighing all of the options, I have reached a conclusion as to what the optimal position is for the toilet lid and seat! And, my conclusion is this:


It's really pretty simple, folks! If the toilet seat and lid aren't in the position you prefer, simply change it! It only takes two seconds to lower the seat or to raise the lid! This is not rocket science! All problems with toilet seat placement can be solved by following this simple piece of advice:


Of all the advantages and disadvantages listed above, the one that people are most vocal about and the one that causes the most problems is the disadvantage for women in Position #1: Lid Up, Seat Up. They complain that if they sit down without the seat down they end up sitting on the extremely cold porcelain edge of the toilet, and might actually fall down into the water. This would never be a problem if they would simply remember to LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAK!

I love my wife. There are many reasons why I love my wife. One of them is that we have never had an argument about the position of the toilet seat and/or lid. We are both intelligent enough to figure out that if the seat or lid are in a position we don't prefer, we can simply change it. My wife is wonderful!

That said, we have now generally gone to Position #3: Lid Down, Seat Down, as our usual configuration. Mostly because of the new cat. We got a new cat earlier this year, and the cat was liking the toilet water a little too much. So now the lid and seat are down. (The cat now climbs into the sink instead.)

I've found that Lid Down, Seat Down is better for other reasons, too. That list of advantages is pretty strong. Things don't fall in the toilet anymore. When something falls into the toilet, there are two questions that must be asked:

1) Is it worth reaching in to get the thing out? (Usually it is, if for no other reason than not clogging the toilet.)


B) The thing that fell into the toilet, do I dare use it again? 
This, of course, depends on value. 
Toothbrush? No way! 
Toothpaste? How full was the tube, and how tight was it sealed? Probably still no. 
Wedding ring? Definitely yes. 
Hamburger? What are you doing with food in the bathroom? That is sick and wrong!

So, in conclusion, what is the best position for the toilet seat and/or lid? That's an individual choice. Each person needs to look at the advantages and disadvantages of each position and decide what is best for themselves. Just remember that in the long run IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER especially if you LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAK!!!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Vacuuming Sucks

There's always the ONE THING that the vacuum won't pick up. It doesn't matter how good your vacuum is, there will be ONE THING it won't pick up.

You'll be vacuuming along, and you'll see the ONE THING, but you won't know it's the ONE THING yet. You'll just think it's yet another some thing that the vacuum will pick up. You'll run the vacuum over the ONE THING, and you'll be surprised when the vacuum passes over it and the ONE THING is still there.

You'll back the vacuum over the ONE THING again. This time, you're not as surprised to see the ONE THING still there when you move the vacuum from off of the top of it. By this point you are starting to realize that this might be the ONE THING.

But, maybe it's not. So, you run the vacuum over the ONE THING again. And again. And again. And again. And then one more time, pushing down extra hard on the vacuum. But, it's still there. The ONE THING.

So, you finally give up. You reach down and pick up the ONE THING.

What happens next can say a lot about the kind of person you are. You've reached down and picked up the ONE THING. What do you do with it? Do you put it in your pocket and keep on vacuuming? Do you walk it right over and immediately put it in the garbage can? Or, do you fluff it up a little and drop it back onto the floor, because, by gosh, this vacuum is going to pick up this ONE THING if it's the last thing it does!!! (Guilty.)

And then, you run the vacuum over the ONE THING one more time, hoping to high heaven that the vacuum picks it up this time, because nothing is quite as humiliating as having to reach down and pick up the ONE THING by hand a second time.

This vacuum sucks!

We have a good vacuum. We really do. It was a gift from when we got married. (Thanks Uncle Dan and Aunt Sandy!)

Sometimes, I'll even use the vacuum. I'll vacuum the living room carpet at least four or five times a year, whether it needs it or not.

I'm not afraid of the vacuum. Well, as long as I am wearing shoes. If I'm bare footed bare feeted bare footened without shoes I'm always a little nervous. I've never lost a toe to a vacuum, and I don't think I really could. But why take chances?

I don't think it makes me less manly to do some of the household chores. Shortly after he was married, my brother was doing some vacuuming when my Dad chided him for doing "women's work." Times have changed a bit since Dad's day.

Of course, before you can vacuum, first you have to clear the floor of things that are too "big." Which begs the question: At what point is something too "big" for the vacuum? Something the size of a quarter? The size of a dime? The size of a thumbtack? The size of a pin? The size of the head of a pin?

At some point it seems pointless to vacuum if you have to pick up every thing that is on the floor before you start. Isn't that what the vacuum is for? To pick things up off the floor? Doesn't it kind of defeat the purpose if you have to pick everything up by hand before you use the vacuum? Why, then, use the vacuum at all?

At what point do you stop picking things up and just try your luck with the vacuum?

Of course, there is something worse that the ONE THING when it comes to vacuuming: the OTHER THING.

What is the OTHER  THING, you ask? Will you know it when you see it? No, because you never see the OTHER  THING. But, you will know it when you hear it.

You'll be vacuuming along and you'll go over the OTHER THING without even realizing it. Suddenly it sounds like someone has put a spoon in the sink disposal. Or turned on the blender with a bunch of coins in it. Or taken some china plates and tried to shove them through a wheat grinder.

How fast can you shut off the vacuum? You'll find out as soon as you vacuum up the OTHER THING! Because if you don't shut that vacuum off immediately, the vacuum just might explode! (And no one wants that.)

Now that I think of it, there's a lot to be said for lunoleum linnoleliam linoleum wood floors.