I'm talking about names like "Jarvis Redwine," "Malakai Rango," or "Jake Butt." I once heard a sports radio host joke that he wasn't sure if "Pope Benedict" was the leader of the Catholic church or a wide receiver for Florida State. (I couldn't talk about this subject without mentioning this incredible skit from Key and Peele.)
Auburn and Alabama played an important football game this weekend. I wasn't able to watch it. (I was doing grocery shopping, putting away laundry, and other things that happen when you are a father of four.) But, after the game was over, I looked at the box score, to see how the game went. That's when I came across the names of the twelve players who scored during Auburn's 48-45 upset victory over Alabama. They are twelve of the best names you'll ever see light up a box score for a college football game.
|Be on the lookout for Hingle McCringleberry!|
12. Mac Jones--Alabama quarterback (four touchdown passes): Mac Jones? Sounds like a country singer. (Didn't he sing "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked On Me?")
11. Najee Harris--Alabama (one rushing touchdown): A combination of two exclamations--Nah! Gee!
10. Anders Carlson--Auburn kicker (four field goals, four extra points): His name sounds like he's a kicker from Sweden. (He looks like it, too.) But, his hometown is listed as Colorado Springs.
9. Joseph Bulovas--Alabama kicker (six extra points, one field goal; missed a potential game-tying field goal in the final minutes): The Bulova "Accutron" watch is noted for its accuracy, which would be a very good quality to have in a field goal kicker.
8. Shedrick Jackson--Auburn (caught two-point conversion): How does Rick's "Shedrick" compare to Cheryl's she-shed?
7. Zacoby McClain--Auburn (100-yard interception return for touchdown): I wonder how many times a day Zacoby is mistakenly referred to as Jacoby?
6. Sal Cannella--Auburn (one touchdown reception): Sounds like either a common bacterial disease of the intestinal tract, or the name of one of Tony Soprano's henchmen.
5. Shaun Shivers--Auburn (one game-clinching touchdown run): What does Shaun do when his wife steals all of the covers? (Great points for alliteration.)
4. Bo Nix--Auburn quarterback (one touchdown run, one touchdown pass, one pass for two-point conversion): Now that's getting maximum use out of a minimal amount of letters! Just five letters, and you've got game-winning quarterback Bo Nix. Go, Bo!
3. Henry Ruggs III--Alabama (one touchdown reception): Is he called "Henry Ruggs three," or "Henry Ruggs the third?" What's the story on Henry Ruggs I and Henry Ruggs II? Will there be a Henry Ruggs IV? What kind of flooring does Henry Ruggs III have in his home?
2. Jaylen Waddle--Alabama (three touchdown receptions, one kickoff return touchdown): No one named "Waddle" should be able to run so fast.
1. Smoke Monday--Auburn (one interception return touchdown): Smoke Monday--What do they call the start-of-the-week sale down at the Smoke Shop? Smoke Monday--How do you want your brisket cooked, and when do you want it? Smoke Monday--What you better do, because they're canceling our cigarette breaks on Tuesday. Smoke Monday--What'll they find if you burn down Cheryl's she shed late Sunday night?
Actually, "Smoke" is just a nickname given to him by his grandfather. His real name is "Quindarious." Which explains why his coaches and teammates call him "Smoke."