I'm trying to put my shoes on, but because I can only put on one shoe at a time, after I grab the first shoe, the second shoe is vulnerable to attack. Almost without fail one of my toddlers will grab the second shoe. They will either a) run off with the shoe and hide it, or B) drop it on my bare foot in an effort to "help" me put my shoes on. You might think that a shoe falling 16 inches wouldn't hurt too much. You would be wrong.
If only that were the only time they beat me up. It isn't. My kids have become experts in the field of Mixed Martial Arts. They are Mixed Martial Toddler Artists. Within the last 24 hours I have been on the receiving end of:
*An elbow to the groin.
*A head-butt to my skull, just behind my ear. (It left me a little dizzy.)
*A head-butt to my groin. (She's just the right height that when she runs at me, that's where her skull hits.)
*An elbow to the chest. (Elbows are pointy!)
*A knee to the groin. (Why does it always have to be the groin? Please, leave my groin alone!!!)
|"Ouch," says my groin.|
That last knee to the groin inflicted a pain that lasted for several hours. So much so that I actually considered putting an ice pack on my groin. (Instead, I just walked around with my hand covering my groin for most of the rest of the evening to shield off further hits.) (See: Shields Up!) Now that I write this, as the pain has eased, I can see where it might sound a bit amusing. It was not amusing yesterday.
So, what can I do about it? Not much. Around the house I can keep a hand over my groin for protection, but I can't do that out in public. (No one wants to be known as "That Guy With His Hand On His Groin.")
About all I can do is try my best to avoid or deflect, then wait for them to outgrow the Mixed Martial Toddler Artist phase. Eventually their form of attack will change from the physical (frequent hits to the groin) to the verbal (asking 429 questions in a matter of three minutes.)
Because they're always on the attack.
Edited from a post originally published on 9/22/2017.