"Your Nose Is Not a Toybox" (And Other Things I Can't Believe I've Actually Said)

Sometimes I'm surprised by the words that come out of my mouth. The other day, while dealing with my three year-old in the bathroom, I actually said:

"Hold still! No one wants to wipe a moving bum!"

As soon as I said it I knew it was absurd. "No one wants to wipe a moving bum." Not only is it a rare sentence (I doubt anyone has ever uttered those words in that particular order before), but it's probably a  pretty accurate sentence, too. (Although, after some of the things I saw in my Abnormal Psychology class, I can only say that with certainty about 99.99999% of the general population.)

It got me thinking about some of the things I've said that I never thought I would have ever verbalized. As a dad, I've found myself saying a lot of odd things. Things like:

"Don't sit on your brother...even though he likes it."

"The socks go on first. And then the shoes."

"Come here. Let me sniff your bum."

"Do I look like Beaker to you?" (A word of explanation. When Roni would start to get bossy, usually with her little brother, we had to explain to her that she was not actually in charge of everyone. We then told her that the one person she could boss around was her stuffed figure of Beaker from The Muppet Show. Occasionally we have to remind her that none of the rest of us are, in fact, Beaker.)

Poor Beaker! Always getting picked on. (And no, I don't look like him.) (My nose isn't orange enough.)

"Don't lick the pool water." Actually, this is something that The Wife said to one of our kids, and she  thought it was funny. It brings up a whole category of "things I can't believe I've said." The "don't lick/eat that" category. Such as when my sister-in-law had to tell her daughter:

"Don't lick the cat."

As the parent of a five year-old, I've been asked to teach the four and five year-old class at church. This has exposed me to saying many, many more absurd things along these lines. As examples:

"Don't lick your shoe."

"Don't lick your chair."

"Don't eat your shoelaces." (Instances like this make me thankful for Velcro.)

"We are not having crayons for lunch."

"Being reverent means keeping your tongue in your mouth."

"We don't eat paper."

"That note is for you to give your parents, not for you to eat."

And:

"Please wait until after class before you eat your coloring page."

It's not just one kid, but several of the children who have the problem of trying to eat (or lick) things in class. Thankfully, my daughter isn't one of them. Instead I get to say to her things like:

"Miss Piggy will protect you from the monsters." (I told her this at three in the morning when she woke up screaming for me because she had a bad dream.)

And:

"You can't have any more broccoli until you finish your chicken nuggets." (Roni likes her some veggies!)

And then, finally, there's this that I told my son a while back:

"Get a tissue. That booger is not a toy! And your nose is not a toybox!" (I knew a couple of guys in college to whom I should have said this.)


And now, it's your turn. If any of you, my dear readers (all seven of you) can think of absurd things you can't believe you actually said, please leave them here in the comments section, or on Facebook at the link for this story. I'm interested to hear what you have to say. Thanks!