The Dreaded Door Knob Technology

The other day the North Koreans had another successful missile test. This, of course, worries the rest of the world. There are some technologies that certain people just should not have.

I feel the same way about my two year-old daughter and door knobs.

Wait: In this analogy am I comparing my lovely, wonderful two year-old daughter with the dangerous regime currently in power in North Korea? Yes. (While my daughter has a much better human rights record, North Korea has never dropped a book on my foot because I refused to read it despite being asked to do so 37 times in a two-minute span.)

And am I comparing the possibility of nuclear missiles with the ability to operate a door knob? Yes. Sometimes I just want ten seconds of privacy. 

Does this make me a bad father? Yes. But I still don't want her to learn how to open a door.

I know that eventually she will learn how to operate them, but for now I think it is best to keep my daughter's hands off of the door knob technology. Literally. There are two main reasons for this:

1. Door knobs help keep her out. As long as she doesn't know how to use a door knob, I can keep her out of places simply by shutting a door. I can keep her out of the closet, so she doesn't rummage through everything. I can keep her out of her brother and sister's room, so she doesn't steal/misplace/mangle/destroy their things. (And so when their things do get stolen/misplaced/mangled/destroyed, they can't blame their little sister.) And, most importantly, I can keep her out of the bathroom so I can actually have five minutes of peace to go poop! (And by "five minutes of peace" I mean five minutes of her pounding on the door while yelling "Daddy!")

And B. Door knobs help keep her in. Without mastery of the door knob technology, it's possible to keep her in a room simply by closing a door. And while shutting a child in a room or closet would not generally be considered "good" parenting, keeping them in the house is. I had some friends whose toddler conquered the door knob technology at a very young age, and in the middle of the night opened the door and ventured outside. The police found the child in the middle of the street. So, simply put, if she can't open the door she can't go wandering the streets at night.

One thing I could do is actively teach her to not use door knobs. I could say things like, "Don't touch that door knob, it's poisonous!" or "If you touch that door knob you'll have bad dreams!" Or I could rig it so she gets an electric shock every time she touches the door knob. Will I actually do any of those things? Probably not. (But that's not to say I'm not tempted.)

I think MC Hammer put it best when he said, "Don't touch that!"

Yes, I know that one day she will eventually figure out the door knob technology. But until she does, I certainly won't be encouraging it.

It's like they used to say on SportsCenter, "You can't stop her, you can only hope to contain her."

I Don't Need Valentine's Day

I don't need Valentine's Day to know that my wife loves me. She shows me every day.

She shows me when she smiles at me.
She shows me when she loves our children.
She shows me when she listens to all my stories.
She shows me when she lets me hold the remote.
She shows me when she makes us all waffles.
She shows me when she makes whipped cream for the waffles, because the kids love that.
She shows me when she shops on Amazon (because it's almost always something for the family.)
She shows me when she buys the kids swimming suits in February because they'll need them in July.
She shows me when she kisses me every morning before she leaves for work.
She shows me when she tells me to follow my dreams. (The good dreams, not the one where I go to school but forget to wear my pants.)
She shows me when she cooks things without green peppers, because she knows I don't like them.

She shows me when she puts up with my shenanigans.
She shows me when she plans our family vacation 10 months in advance.
She shows me when she cooks me bacon. (But not too often, because it's not very good for me.)
She shows me when she knows things about me that I didn't know she knew.
She shows me when she makes my baby giggle.
She shows me when she cuddles up to me when we're watching a show.
She shows me by just being herself.

I only hope that she knows how much I love her. And not just on Valentine's day, but every day.

The 7 Best Super-Hero Names (According to My 2 Year-Old)

We're trying to teach my two year-old daughter her colors. The other day she had a green bib and I asked her, "What color is it?" Without any hesitation she got her voice as low and gravelly as she could and said, "Hulk!"

Yes, she's already a comic book nerd.

Getting some Hulk hugs.

My kids never really had a chance. From the moment I bought my first three comic books in the summer of 1975 (Marvel Double Feature #11; Iron Man #77; and Fantastic Four #162) I've been hooked. And, I've passed down that love of comic books to my children.

That two year-old daughter is just learning to speak. Because of my influence, she knows the names of many super heroes. But, like many children her age, she sometimes has trouble correctly pronouncing things. Here are my seven favorite super-hero mispronunciations by my daughter:

Honorable Mention: Hulk-Smash (Hulk)--She knows who the Hulk is, but every time she sees him she drops her voice as gruff as she can and says, "Hulk smash!" (Maybe she thinks Smash is his last name?)

Where does Bruce Banner shop? (Because I can't find purple pants in my size anywhere!)

7. Eye-Man (Iron Man)--Long before Robert Downey Jr. made him a household name, Iron Man has been my favorite super-hero. So, I'm always excited when she recognizes Iron Man and almost gets his name right. Unfortunately, sometimes she has a hard time telling the difference between Iron Man and...

6. Pie-Man (Spider-Man)--Yes, sometimes she gets Iron Man and Spider-Man confused. But that's okay, because when she does recognize the web-slinger and calls him "Pie-Man," I get to think, "Mmmm...pie!"

5. Sore (Thor)--When she says "Sore" instead of "Thor," I'm not sure if I should spell it "Sore" or "Soar." What I do know is that she definitely cannot pronounce the name of Thor's hammer, Mjolnir, because no one can correctly pronounce Mjolnir, except for maybe a half-dozen Norwegians.

4. Eye-Fish (Iron Fist)--I'm such a comic book fan that two different people got me the same Marvel Comics Trivia Box for Christmas. On the outside of the box is a picture of Iron Fist. Not only does my daughter call him "Eye-Fish," she also follows it up by puckering her lips together to make the "what does a fishy say" sound.

Iron Fish!

3. Sing (Thing)--Right now she replaces the "th" sound with an "s." I hope when she gets older she doesn't switch them in the other direction, because it would be quite awkward to change the words of "Sing, sing a song," to "Thing, thing a thong."

2. But-Man (Bat-Man)--Yes, I could add a letter and spell "But-Man" a slightly different way, but I don't want to.

Sing!

1. Mare-cuh (Captain America)--No, my youngest daughter has no idea who the 43rd President of the United States was, but she pronounces "America" as if she were a doing a really bad impression of George W. Bush. And, she leaves off the "Captain" every time. (Apparently she doesn't have much use for military ranks.)

God Bless Mare-cuh!

February Beach Party!

We're a week into February. Do you know what that means?

If you said, "It's time to get out the squirt guns and beach toys," you just might work for Walmart!

The temperature outside is currently 44 degrees. (That's on the Fahrenheit scale, because, you know, 'Merica!) And while 44 is much warmer than the 9 degrees we had a week or two ago, I'm still not thinking, "Hey, let's go to the beach!" Or, "I think we should have a water fight!" Or, "I wonder where I could purchase 37 different varieties of squirt guns?"

Weapons for a winter water war.

We're one week away from Valentine's Day, so obviously they should fill the store with squirt guns because what couple doesn't celebrate the most romantic day of the year with a big water fight?

I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to having a big beach party to celebrate President's Day. (As long as they remember to plow the snow off of the beach parking lot.)

Retailers are so worried about staying ahead of their customers that sometimes they get a little too far ahead. Does anybody ever really think, "If the weather is better than normal, I might get to the beach on Memorial Day, so just to be safe I'll be sure to buy some beach toys the first week of February." 

The problem is, in order to make room for these far-flung future items, the stores clear the shelves of things you might actually want or need right now. Have you ever tried to buy a winter coat in the middle of winter? Good luck. If you need a coat in February, you better have a time machine that can take you back to October, because that's when they stopped selling winter coats. 

Gloves, mittens, scarves, snow shovels: all these things are extremely hard to find in a store in February. Why is that? Didn't they see that some rodent in Pennsylvania said we're going to have six more weeks of winter?

Oh well, there's not much I can do about it. I'd better just go ahead and get my summer supply of squirt guns and beach toys now, because before March rolls in they'll all be replaced with the "Back to School" supplies.

4 Things I Learned From My Kid's Sick Day

I got a call from school. The Boy said he was sick and wanted to come home from school. Here are a few things I learned from my son's Sick Day.

1. Every parent has their own mathematical formula to determine if their child is sick enough to come home from school.  (And it's different for each child.) For this child, the formula was:
a) how sick the child was before school (in this case, not at all)
plus
b) the likelihood the child would try to fake being sick (not very)
plus
c) how skilled the child would be at faking if they tried (not very)
plus
d) trust in the teacher's ability to tell if child is faking (pretty high)
plus
e) how sick the child actually sounds (fairly high)
plus
f) how often the child has tried to come home from school sick (his first time)
plus
g) is there something happening at school that they want to avoid (not that I was aware of.)

2. If a child tells you, "I have a cough," they will immediately follow that up by coughing. This cough will be pathetically fake. It doesn't matter if the child has an actual cough or not, that first "see, here's proof that I have a cough" cough will be fake. (In this case, once we got home it was obvious that The Boy had a real cough to go along with his fake one.)

3. How sick a kid actually is is directly proportional to how many "fun" things they want to do when they get home. The rule in our house is that if you come home sick from school, you don't get to watch television, play with friends, play with toys, or do anything considered "fun," with the possible exception of reading a book. You get to rest in bed and eat, and that's about it. (In this case, The Boy wanted to play a couple of times, but mostly stuck to his bed, even getting a bit of a nap.)

4. Unfortunately, once a kid comes home from school sick, he will be much more likely to want to do it again. Our oldest daughter absolutely loves school. She loves her friends, she loves her teacher, she loves reading, she loves her school work. And yet after her teacher sent her home sick one day a while back, she ended up missing several days in the next week. Part of it was because she was a little sick, but part of it was also because she liked the extra attention that came with being sent home sick.

It wasn't all bad this time, though. My two year-old was so thrilled to have her big brother home that she followed him and shadowed him the whole day, which meant she wasn't following and hounding me all day. (At least until he locked her out of his room.)

Toddlers Make the Best Dinner Guests

Are you planning a dinner party? Do you want it to be memorable? Yes? Well then, I've got a very important tip for you: Make sure you invite a toddler (or two.) Why? Because toddlers make the best dinner guests!

Here are just a few of the fun, exciting, and memorable things you can experience if you would just invite some toddlers to your dinner party:

*Who needs polite and interesting dinner conversation when you could be listening to a toddler scream "More boobies! More boobies!" over and over again? (And for added fun, don't explain to your dinner guests that when your toddler yells "boobies" what she really means is "blueberries.")

*Do you want to figure out which of your dinner guests are the smartest? It's certainly not the ones who choose to sit next to the toddler. (Unless, for some reason, they want to have food stains on their clothes.)

*Would you like your dinner guests to fall asleep at the table? It's a toddler specialty!

Did she fall asleep because of the food or the conversation?

*Is your favorite scene in the movie Animal House the food fight scene? You're in luck! Toddlers can fling food like you wouldn't believe!

*Do you want to see some of the most hard-line negotiating skills ever? It might go something like this:

ADULT: If you take one bite of this cheese, I'll give you a blueberry.
TODDLER: No! More boobies!
ADULT: But, you love cheese. I see you eat cheese all the time. You usually ask for cheese. If you just take one bite of cheese I'll give you a blueberry.
TODDLER: Noooooo!!! More boobies!!! More boobies!!!
ADULT: If you just touch the cheese I'll give you a blueberry.
TODDLER: Boobies!!! Boobies!!!
ADULT: I'm sorry, but I can't give you a blueberry unless you eat some cheese.
TODDLER: Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!! Boobies!!! Boobies!!! Boobies!!! Boobies!!! Boobies!!! Boo...
ADULT: Fine. Here, have a blueberry.
TODDLER: Boobies!!! (Smiles and eats the blueberry.)
ADULT: Now, will you eat some cheese?
TODDLER: More boobies! More boobies!

*Have you ever had someone poop in their chair at a dinner party? Invite a toddler and it'll probably happen.

*Will any of your other dinner guests wear their plate as a hat, or comb their hair with a fork? Not likely.

Plus, you'll know the food was good if the toddler licks the plate!

So, yes, if you want people to be talking about your dinner party for days (saying things like, "How did I get mashed potatoes on the back of my shirt?") be sure to invite a toddler.

Because toddlers make the best dinner guests!

Civil Debate

Golly, politics sure are divisive these days! Everywhere you turn people are yelling and screaming at each other because of their differing views. Good debate can be a healthy thing every once in a while, but people seem to be taking it too far.

Wouldn't it be great if we had some topics that people could debate about that weren't so life or death? Here are a few topics we can argue about and still be somewhat civil:

Coke vs. Pepsi--People have some very strong feelings on both sides here. I had one friend who drank Coke and said that Pepsi "tastes like gasoline." Personally, I don't really have much of a preference; as long as it has carbonation, I'll drink it. I guess if I really had to choose I'd go with Coke, because "Vanilla Coke" just sounds better than "Vanilla Pepsi."

Batman vs. Superman--Batman is fantastic. He has done a great job of reaching his full potential. He gets an A for effort. But, come on, Superman can fly, has super-strength, super-speed, and can see through things! Besides, I'd much rather spend my free time with Lois Lane than Robin.

Beatles vs. Rolling Stones--I can't believe this was ever a question. The Beatles are soooo much better in every imaginable way, with the lone exception of lip size, which goes to Mick Jagger. Comparing the Rolling Stones to the Beatles is like comparing Spam to a Honeybaked Ham.

Star Wars vs. Star Trek--Personally, I've always been a Star Trek guy, but it's getting harder and harder to say that. When it's done right, Star Trek is fantastic. Unfortunately, it hasn't been done right since Deep Space Nine and possibly Voyager left the airwaves. Enterprise was a bore, and the less said about the movie Star Trek: Nemesis the better. (Space dune buggies? Romulan vampires? Oh look, they found Data's head...again!) And the reboot movies with a new cast have been hit and miss at best.

The first trilogy of Star Wars movies was great, but the three prequel movies were about as blah as blah can be. (Oh, sure, you can find some people who like them, but you can also find people who think the Transformers movies are good.) However, with the high quality of The Force Awakens and Rogue One, Star Wars is threatening to take over the universe. (Or at least this corner of the empire.)

7-Up vs. Sprite--I've always preferred Sprite over 7-Up. I think maybe it's the "limon" commercials from the 1970s. But, I used to think Slice was better than both of them. And then Slice was discontinued and replaced with Sierra Mist, and it was better than Sprite and 7-Up. And now, according to the interwebs, Sierra Mist has changed its name to Twist Mist. I give up, I'll just have a Sprite.

Democrats vs. Republicans--Oops! This was what we were trying to avoid. Sorry.