Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Class of 2020: Don't Feel Bad About That Graduation Ceremony

There's been a lot of talk about the hardship endured by the Class of 2020 because they don't get to have a regular graduation ceremony.

Are you kidding me? Do they realize how lucky they are?

Here's what I remember about my high school graduation: boring speech, boring speech, boring speech, walking across the stage to get my diploma. That's it. (Well, and maybe a few more boring speeches.)

Also, they made me pose for pictures next to a couple of doofuses. 

I've been to a few graduations since my own, and I can tell you that if anything, I am understating the amount of speeches and the sheer boringness of them. There's the introductory speech by the vice principal (or some other school official), which has a 92% chance of being completely boring. Then there's the speech by the valedictorian, which has a 74% chance of being completely boring. (You might get lucky enough to have a valedictorian with a good sense of humor, but don't count on it.)

Then there's the speech by a random member of the school board. (Or, should I say, school bored.) This speech has a 99.998% chance of being completely and utterly boring. In the entire history of high school graduations, no one has ever said, "Gee, I hope someone from the school board talks! I really want to hear what some person I've never heard of who is on the school board has to say!" (They should really look into using school board graduation speeches as a cure for insomnia.)

And, finally, there is the speech from the principal, which has an 88% chance of being boring, and, as a bonus, also includes a 63% chance of the principal crying and a 96% chance of the principal declaring that this graduating class is "the greatest graduating class I've ever had the privilege of dealing with."

Other graduation ceremony staples include a couple of heartfelt songs and at least two instances of someone stating that this class "will change the world." Oh, and there's also the waiting in an extremely long line when they finally start calling names and letting people go up to the stage to get their diploma. (Which, by the way, isn't actually the diploma.)

Just a few students waiting their turn to walk across the stage.
So, the Class of 2020 should be just fine with not having the traditional graduation ceremony. Don't get me wrong, there are some things they are missing out on, like Senior Prom, yearbook signings, and those last crazy few weeks of school.

But, the Class of 2020 graduation ceremonies will be much more memorable than everyone else's. They'll have stories of drive-thru graduations, or graduation parades, or wacky Zoom meeting graduations. They'll be able to remember their graduations without having to deal with all of those sleep-inducing speeches!

So, Class of 2020, enjoy your unique graduation ceremonies! Then go out there and change the world.

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