Tuesday, August 6, 2019

What Jobs Are On Your Parental Resume?

We were at a toy store the other day when something caught my eye. It was a game called "Poop Checkers."

Yes, it's a game of checkers where the usual round playing pieces have been replaced by ones that are shaped like little piles of poop. That's right, poop--again. (I recently wrote about a food that promoted children getting a tongue tattoo of uni-poop.) (Uni-poop is a pile of poop with a unicorn horn in it.)

This is different. I didn't care so much about the game, (although I did wonder how exactly the poop pieces stack on top of each other when it comes time to get "kinged.") What caught my attention was the name of the game: Poop Checkers. My first thought was, "That could be a description of me. As a parent of a child who is in the process of being potty trained, I am a 'Poop Checker.'"

I check for poop. I am a poop checker.

I've recently been looking for a job and updating my resume, and I thought about the many different skills I've learned as a parent. Unfortunately, I can't put "Poop Checker" on my regular resume. But, if I were to make a separate resume just for my parental skills, it would certainly apply.

Here are a few of the jobs and skills many parents could add to their Parental Resume:

Poop Checker: Oh, sure, anybody can check for poop. But, it takes experience and a special skill set to check for poop without getting any poop on your finger.

Poop checked.
(Photo courtesy of Pixabay)
Tissue Box: Kids sneeze. Adults sneeze. Adults usually have enough warning that they can have a tissue or handkerchief in place before the sneeze occurs, and if not, they quickly grab one to clean up the after-sneeze. Kids, on the other hand, seem to always be caught by surprise by sneezes. And afterwards they seem to be paralyzed--so grossed out by the large amount of snot hanging from their noses that they are unable to move. As a parent, not only do you always have access to a large supply of facial tissues, you also must spring into quick action to clean up the aftermath.

Day Planner: Sometimes kids have things to do. But, kids have no idea when they are supposed to do those things. Dentist appointments? Doctor appointments? Birthday parties? Playdates? They would never get to any of these things without you.

Personal Chef: Yes, you know when they prefer box macaroni and cheese over homemade. Yes, you know which dipping sauces they want for their chicken nuggets. Yes, you know which vegetables they might actually eat.

Nurse: You are your child's personal health care companion. You apply the band-aids. The healing power of your kiss is phenomenal.

Laundry Service: The laundry is never truly finished.

Garbage Can: It is surprising how often your kids will hand you their garbage.

Detective (Finder of Lost Things): There is always one shoe missing. There is always one shoe missing!

Cheerleader: The skill of being a good cheerleader is knowing when to loudly cheer, when to be quietly supportive, and when to bust out a good cartwheel.

Maid Service: You can try to make them clean up after themselves--as long as you're aware you're going to have to clean up after they clean up.

Hair Stylist: If you let your child out in the wild without doing something with their hair, it doesn't reflect poorly on them as much as it reflects poorly on you.

Chauffeur: Piano lessons. Soccer games. Birthday parties. Until they're tall enough to reach the pedals, it's all on you.

Lifeguard: There is no lifeguard at the splash pad. Well, except for you.

No lifeguard on duty.
(Photo courtesy of Pixabay)
Assembler: Those bunk beds aren't delivered already set up. And that Hot Wheels track needs some work, too.

Politician (Law Maker): Without you, someone might be able to watch television before the kitchen has been swept.

Police (Law Enforcement): If that television is on before the kitchen has been swept, there will be consequences.

Jungle Gym: Kids can't always make it to the park. They need to climb something.

Ringmaster: Someone needs to run this circus. That someone is you.

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