Friday, September 22, 2017

Mixed Martial Toddler Artists

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.


I'm trying to put my shoes on, but because I can only put on one shoe at a time, when I grab the first shoe, the second shoe is vulnerable to attack. Almost without fail one of my toddlers (I have two children under the age of three) will grab the second shoe. They will either a) run off with the shoe and hide it, or B) in an effort to "help" me put my shoes on, they will drop it on my bare foot. You might think that a shoe dropping 16 inches onto your foot wouldn't hurt too much. You would be wrong.

If only that were the only time they beat me up. It isn't. My kids have become experts in the field of Mixed Martial Arts. They are Mixed Martial Toddler Artists. Within the last 24 hours I have been on the receiving end of:

*An elbow to the groin.
*A head-butt to my skull, just behind my ear. (It left me a little dizzy.)
*A head-butt to my groin. (She's just the right height that when she runs at me, that's where her head hits.)
*An elbow to the chest. (Elbows are pointy!)
*A knee to the groin. (Why does it always have to be the groin? Please, leave my groin alone!!!)

"Ouch," says my groin.

That last knee to the groin inflicted a pain that lasted for several hours. So much so that I actually considered putting an ice pack on my groin. (Instead, I just walked around with my hand covering my groin for most of the rest of the evening to shield off further hits.) (See: Shields Up!) Now that the pain has eased and I write this, I can see where it might sound a bit amusing. It was not amusing yesterday.

So, what can I do about it? Not much. Around the house I can keep a hand over my groin for protection, but I can't do that out in public. (No one wants to be known as "That Guy With His Hand On His Groin.")

About all I can do is try my best to avoid or deflect, then wait for them to outgrow the Mixed Martial Toddler Artist phase. Eventually their form of attack will change from the physical "frequently hitting you in the groin" to the verbal "asking you 429 questions in a matter of three minutes."

They're always on the attack.

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