Friday, January 13, 2017

The Mystery of the Shrinking Toilet Paper

We all use toilet paper. (I hope.) But it's not something we talk about very often. Toilet paper and how we use it is not generally considered a proper topic of polite conversation. So, I hope you'll pardon me if I broach this subject today, and I apologize if my talk gets a little graphic.

Recently I was using some toilet paper in the way in which it is meant to be used. As I was doing so, I realized that something wasn't quite right. It seemed the normal amount of toilet paper wasn't doing the job that it usually did. What was the problem? Was my butt getting bigger? I guess that was possible, but not very likely, especially since my favorite donut shop closed down a while back. (I'll have to find a new place to get my apple fritters.)

So, if my butt wasn't getting bigger, what could the problem be? I wasn't sure, but then I remembered that we had recently purchased a new package of toilet paper. I didn't think much of it at first, because it was a name brand, and I was pretty sure it was the same brand we had just been using. Butt, I could tell something was different.

After I finished my business, I went to the other bathroom and tracked down a roll of the previous toilet paper. I compared the two rolls, and the difference was staggering:

The new roll was a full half-inch shorter (or less wide) than the old roll! That's quite a difference.

I looked at the packaging on the new roll, and it touted the many advantages of this product. "Ultra Soft," "4 rolls in 1," and "MEGA." (I'm a bit confused. Does "MEGA" mean "smaller?")

That's great, Mr. Bear, but next time try using that tape to measure height instead of circumference.

The packaging did not, however, claim: "Now with new, smaller rolls!" Or, "New and improved with less width!" Or, "It'll make your hands look so much bigger!" And while these claims may seem crazy to tout, this particular company has a history of some rather odd advertising choices. For years their spokesman was a creepy grocery store clerk with an obsession for squeezing toilet paper. And now their ads feature bears who poop in the woods, but wipe their bums with toilet paper.

Does a bear poop in the woods? And if so, what toilet paper does it use?
So, I guess the moral of this story is to stay vigilant. If they try to slip shrunken toilet paper by us, what will be next? (They better not try to make my apple fritters smaller!)

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