Friday, November 11, 2016

22 Things That Are Great About America

The presidential election was pretty big news this week. (You may have heard a thing or two about it.) A lot of people are depressed, despondent, and displeased with the results. Many others are excited, elated, and exuberant about what happened. There is a wide range of emotions going around out there.

Personally, I knew I was going to be disappointed, because I really disliked both of the candidates. I kept waiting for a magic unicorn to appear, win the election, and save the day. (It turns out Evan McMullin is not a magic unicorn.) That being said, I, like many, was very surprised by the actual results. (I think it all turned against Hillary when word got out about her planned New York fireworks celebration. Never count your chickens before they hatch. That's just bad karma.)

There are a lot of hard feelings lingering on both sides. There are protests and riots. There is gloating and name-calling. I think it's time for everyone to come together and put all this antagonism behind us. It's time to bury the hatchet. (Figuratively speaking.) (Unless there are some actual hatchets at these protests, in which case we should literally bury them.)

We don't need to "make America great again," because it already is great. It always has been great. There are many things that people on both sides of the political spectrum can agree on that make America great. Here are just a few of them:

1. Bacon--No matter where you are in this great land of ours, you are never very far from bacon. If you don't have any in your refrigerator or freezer, you can just go down the road a bit and find some at any grocery store, butcher shop, fine restaurant, or not-so-fine restaurant. You can have bacon for breakfast alongside your eggs. You can have it atop your hamburger. You can even have it crumbled over your salad. (If you're one of those people.)


2. Socks--Socks are fantastic! They keep your feet warm. They're like mittens for your feet, but without that annoying thumb hole. They keep your feet from sticking to your shoes and getting all stinky.

3. Babies--Babies are darn cute, and America is full of 'em! If you ever question the greatness of America, just take a look at a smiling baby. There ain't nothing better!

4. Lakes--Lakes are beautiful. They've got a lot of water, a shore line, maybe a beach, maybe some fish. You can go swimming or boating or kayaking or canoeing. Or just stand in it up to your waist and splash around a bit.

Lakes: You can even go swimming naked, if you so choose!

5. Jorts--Everyone likes blue jeans. That goes without saying (which is why I didn't say it.) Everyone loves shorts. (Again with the not needing to say stuff.) So, it seems only natural to combine the two and have jean shorts, or jorts! And if people make fun of you for wearing them because they say it's not fashionable, well that's their problem!

I like jorts! (Do you have a problem with that?)

6. Cheese--There's a flavor of cheese for everyone. You can get it sliced, pre-shredded, cubed, or in bricks. You can melt it over anything, and that thing will taste better. Cheese is for heroes!

7. Automatic Doors--When we go shopping in America, we don't have to bother with clumsy door handles or knobs. We walk up to the store and the doors open themselves and let us in, no questions asked, as if it were magic!

8. Clothing--I've seen a few naked people in my day. Clothing is a good thing.

9. Car Stereos--Can you imagine going for a long drive without a car stereo? I can't.

10. Flavors--We can put flavors in just about anything. Banana flavored milk? Yes! Pumpkin flavored bread? Yes! Watermelon flavored laughing gas at the dentist office? Yes! Cheddar bacon mac & cheese flavored potato chips? Yes! (Really?) (Yes!)

11. Reruns--Did you miss a show? Did you see a show, and really, really liked it? You can always see it again.

12. Recess--Sometimes we can all use those fifteen minutes to go play on the swings or go down the slide. 

13. Couches--It's a chair that three people can sit on at the same time! It's a small bed that one person can stretch out on! It's a flat surface you can stack things on! It's a soft, cushy trampoline for small children! Couches are awesome!

14. "Forever" Stamps--Do you have any idea what a stamp costs these days? It doesn't really matter any more. If you buy a stamp, it will last forever. Forever!!! (That's a long time!)

These things will outlast the zombie apocalypse!

15. Towels--Think for just a moment about how much time you would spend wet, damp, and/or moist if it weren't for towels.

16. The Letter "C"--"C" is for cookie. (That's good enough for me.)

17. Opinions--We can all have opinions. You might think mine are wrong. I might think yours are wrong. But, it doesn't really matter what you think of my opinion or what I think of your opinion. (That's my opinion on the subject of opinions.)

18. Bricks--Do you want to build something? Grab a brick. Then grab a few more. You can build just about anything with bricks. (Also, cheese can come in the form of a brick. But I wouldn't suggest building anything with cheese bricks. Except maybe dinner.)

19. Chiropractors--It's good to know that someone's always got your back.

20. Basketball--The great thing about basketball is that you don't actually need a basketball. All you need is a wadded up piece of paper and a garbage can!

21. Dancing--From an elaborate tango to a simple toe tap, dancing can make us all feel better. Don't let anybody tell you you can't dance! (Even if you dance like Elaine Benes.)

22. Kevin Bacon--Have you ever seen Footloose? This man is what makes America great!

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