Baby #1 vs. Baby #3

We all start out wanting to be perfect parents. With our first baby we all try soooo hard to do everything the right way. But, by the time a third baby comes around, most of us realize there isn't always a "right" way to do any of it. (Or, we're just too tired to care.)

Here are some of the differences in parental strategies between Baby #1 and Baby #3. (Some of them are specific only to mothers.)


Baby #1: Printed professional announcements sent out to friends and family to announce the pregnancy.

Baby #3: Call and tell one or two people about the pregnancy, then let the word trickle out from there. (At seven months pregnant delight in the fact that some people still don't know if you are expecting or just gaining weight.)


Baby #1: No processed, store-bought baby food for your baby! We'll take squash, avocados, bananas, peaches, and other real foods, blend them up in a blender, freeze them in ice cube trays, and then, when the baby is ready to eat, we'll thaw the food cubes and lovingly feed her one spoonful at a time.

Baby #3: Do we have any Goldfish crackers? Throw some on the baby's tray.

One spoonful at a time. (Sometimes she even gets the food in her mouth.)

Baby #1: Professionally taken infant portrait in an outfit bought specifically for the photo shoot. Professionally taken 3 month portrait in an outfit bought specifically for the photo shoot. Professionally taken 6 month portrait in an outfit bought specifically for the photo shoot. Professionally taken one year portrait in an outfit bought specifically for the photo shoot.
Professionally taken 18 month portrait in an outfit bought specifically for the photo shoot.
Professionally taken two year portrait in an outfit bought specifically for the photo shoot.

Baby #3: Occasional picture taken with a camera phone when she does something amusing.


Baby #1: Every significant moment of life painstakingly chronicled in journals and scrapbooks, including first smile, first bath, first word, first solid food, first tooth, first steps, first chicken McNugget, etc.

Baby #3: Occasional picture taken with a camera phone when she does something amusing.



Baby #1: Never placed directly on the carpet; a blanket is always put down first so the baby is on the blanket, not the carpet. Floor is vacuumed at least twice a day to make sure there is nothing that the baby will put in her mouth.

Baby #3: Baby placed directly on the carpet. Floor is vacuumed at least once a month, whether it needs it or not.



Baby #1: Top of stairs guarded more securely than Fort Knox.

Baby #3: Top of stairs guarded about as securely as a motel swimming pool. (No lifeguard on duty.) (Stairs? Eh, she probably won't fall down them.)



Baby #1: If baby puts anything in her mouth besides her binky or the food on her tray, every effort will be made to retrieve that object before it can be swallowed, including prying your fingers into her mouth to try to dig the object out.

Baby #3: If baby puts anything in her mouth besides her binky or food, shrug shoulders and say, "It'll all come out in the poop."



Baby #1: People react with congratulatory gifts, cards, flowers, letters, texts, and possibly even telegrams.

Baby #3: People react with a snide, "How many is that? I'm starting to lose count."



Baby #1: Given a baby shower by family and friends. Given another baby shower by co-workers. Yet another baby shower by the ladies in the neighborhood.

Baby #3: Baby gets "showered" with whatever hand-me-downs got put in boxes in the storage area under the stairs.



Baby #1: When the baby is hungry, you try to secure a private room where you can breast-feed her. No matter what, you always use a baby cover when breast-feeding. No one will be able to see even one square inch of your breasts! (Not even the baby, because it's pretty dark under that breast-feeding cover.)

Baby #3: When the baby is hungry, you feed it, no matter where you are or who is around. If they don't want to see your breast, they'll just have to look the other way.



Baby #1: If baby drops her binky it must be sterilized and cleaned with hot, soapy water before given back to baby.

Baby #3: If baby drops her binky it goes right back in her mouth. Maybe if you're feeling overprotective you might get the big chunks off of the binky by brushing it off on your pants or sucking on it yourself for a few seconds. (Those aren't germs, they're protein.)



Baby #1: Any possible babysitter is fully vetted with a complete criminal background check and at least four references. Also, a degree in child care or nutrition is a plus.

Baby #3: Over 10 years old? Never been convicted of a crime? You're hired!



Baby #1: Check reviews and buy only the safest, most educational toys.

Baby #3: Hey, here's a big box. Go play in that.



Baby #1: All baby clothes match and have a theme.

Baby #3: Do the clothes cover her bum and belly? Good enough.



Baby #1: All baby clothes washed separately on gentle cycle with special fragrance-free detergent.

Baby #3: Baby clothes washed with whatever load they fit with, usually with the towels.



Baby #1: Read and study every parenting book you can get your hands on. Join parenting focus groups online. Learn the pros and cons of every parenting technique.

Baby #3: Whatever.



(You may be wondering, "What about Baby #2?" Well, Baby #2 falls chronologically and philosophically between Baby #1 and Baby #3. This is the middle child. To be honest, Baby #2 is pretty much just a blur.)