Friday, May 22, 2015

Sanitized For Your Protection

This spring we got our two bigger kids a set of bunk beds. They love sharing a room (for now) and they really like the bunk beds.

In doing so, we moved The Boy (now five years old) up from a smaller bed to a twin-size mattress. And that meant we needed to get a waterproof mattress cover to go over the mattress, but under the sheets. These things are pretty much a necessity for young children (and some older ones, too.)  So, we purchased a "SafeRest Premium Mattress Protector," to protect our mattress.

Here's the picture on the package:

That's one happy family!

Ah, the whole family is happily in the bed together! This happens occasionally in our family, but not often. Usually when the kids are in the bed with us it is on a weekend morning when The Wife and I can actually still be in bed, attempting to sleep in. Of course, kids know the adults can sleep in on the weekends, which is why they get up extra early on those days. Conversely, when the kids need to get up early in the morning, good luck trying to wake them up. (It's one of the most basic rules in the kid/adult relationship.)

Aside from the perfect family, the thing that most stands out about this picture is the list of threats across the bottom of the package. Fluids! Dust Mites! Bacteria! 

I'm frightened, aren't you?

Let's take a closer look at these threats, starting with the Dust Mites!

Beware the Dust Mites, my son! (And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!)

Take a look at that Dust Mite. He's pretty scary, isn't he? He looks kind of like a spider. Or perhaps a mean potato with big, hairy claws. Either way, you don't want that thing in the bed with you. And that's just one Dust Mite! Imagine how bad it would be if there were dozens or hundreds of them! If only I had a mattress protector.

Bacteria is bad. Lots and lots of bacteria is lots and lots of bad.

Then there is the Bacteria. I'm not sure if it looks like long, green pills; or short, green worms; or weirdly shaped green poop. Whatever it is, I don't want green worm poop pills in bed with me! If only I had a mattress protector.

Don't spill wine on your bed!

Then there are the Fluids. While the other two threats came with pictures as scary as they could possibly make them, the picture for the Fluids threat is about the least scary thing they could think of. A glass of wine. Really? How often do you have a glass of wine in bed? How often do you spill a glass of wine in bed?

Of course, the most common fluid that a mattress has to worry about, especially the mattress of a five year old boy, is pee. So, I don't think I blame them for having a picture of a spilled glass of wine represent all of the Fluids. Because I'm not sure how you would go about having a picture on your package that represents pee. A baby with a full diaper? A little boy with his legs crossed trying to hold it in? A dog with one leg raised? I don't really know. I make fun of it, but I'm hard pressed to find a better answer than the spilled glass of wine.

So, we purchased the mattress cover and put it on the bed. Little did I know a few weeks later I would find out how well it works.

One morning, I sat on The Boy's bed. I was sitting there for a few seconds when I noticed the sensation that my bum was getting wet. I stood up and felt my bum.* It was wet. I looked down at the bed. It was wet, too. [*I believe this is the first time I have ever used the sentence "I stood up and felt my bum." Hopefully it will be the last time, too.]

I'm not sure what had happened. (I probably shouldn't have allowed The Boy to take that glass of wine to bed with him.) Anyway, I took the blanket off of the bed. It was very wet. I took the sheet off of the bed. It was very wet. I took the mattress cover/protector off of the bed. It was very wet. I felt the mattress beneath where the wet spot had been. It was dry! The mattress protector did its job!

It worked so well, in fact, that now I'm thinking about getting a few hundred of the mattress protectors and covering the whole house with them. Imagine the entire house free from dust mites, bacteria and urine! Heck, they might even keep out salesmen. (They're worse than dust mites, you know.)

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