Friday, May 29, 2015

I'm Stoned (Again)

I've heard it said that passing a kidney stone is about the same as giving birth to a child. I don't believe that. It's not even close.

Over the years, The Wife has given birth to three wonderful, beautiful children. Over the years, I have passed enough kidney stones to make a veritable gravel pit. Believe me, the children are much more attractive than the stones.

Aside from that, if you took all of the kidney stones that I've passed (and there are quite a few of them) and added them together into one giant stone, it still wouldn't be as big as even one hand of any of the babies The Wife has had.

Add to that the fact that I've never walked around with kidney stone pain for nine months before passing one, and it's not even close.

So, the next time you hear someone say that passing a kidney stone is the same as giving birth, tell them they have no idea what they are talking about. (I was going to say to slap them upside the head, but decided that I shouldn't be promoting violence.)

Also, there is no truth to the rumor that kidney beans are made of kidney stones. (As far as I know.)

Why do I bring this subject up, you ask? Because I'm stoned. Again.

A couple of days ago I woke up at four-something in the morning thinking that my back hurt. It only took a minute or so for me to realize, "Hey, that's no ordinary back pain, that's kidney stone back pain!" I was not happy.

Of course, the first time I had a kidney stone, I had no idea there was a difference between regular back pain and kidney stone back pain. I was single and living in an apartment by myself. I came home from work one Friday afternoon, and my back was hurting. I didn't think too much of it, and went to bed. I didn't sleep very well.

I got up on Saturday and my back was still hurting. I took a soak in a hot bath. That helped, for a while. Then, the back pain came back, so I took a second soak in the tub. That helped, but not as much. As the day went on, I ended up taking four or five baths, each one bringing a little less relief from the pain.

I tried to go to sleep that night, but couldn't. I wandered down to the 24 hour grocery store and bought some Doan's Back Pain pills. Why Doan's? I remembered as a kid seeing their ads, which featured a man with his hands on his back, in obvious pain, as flames shot out of the spot on his back that was hurting. I thought, "Hey, that's just how I feel!" Unfortunately, the pills didn't help, they just made me feel a camaraderie with the guy on the pill box.

I woke up (from not sleeping) on Sunday morning and I was even more miserable than the day before. I didn't know what to do. Finally, I decided that I needed help, so I called The Saint. (The Saint is what I will be calling my sister-in-law. Why "The Saint?" Because not only was she there to help me when I needed it, she was also saintly enough to actually marry my crazy brother.)

The problem was, by the time I decided to call The Saint, she and my brother were already at church for the day. To this day I'm not sure how I had the mental acuity to do it, but I ended up calling the church building they were at and asking whoever it was that answered the phone if they could find my sister-in-law. Amazingly, this worked and soon I was talking with The Saint.

I told her my symptoms and she immediately said, "Sounds like kidney stones to me." She left the church post-haste and drove across the valley to take care of me.

And that's not the only time The Saint came to my rescue. A few years later I had a particularly bad day at work: my truck broke down and I had kidney stone pain. The Saint saved me that day, too. (My boss wasn't very happy that I left my truck in the parking lot where it broke down, but by the time I took some of the pain pills The Saint brought me, I was in no condition to drive.)

So, now I'm stuck with the kidney stone pain again. One of the big differences between then and now is that since my job is writing instead of driving truck, I can actually still work while under the influence of the pain pills. (There's no guarantee that what I write will make sense, but I can still write.) (I don't think anyone is going to get hurt by me using parenthesis too often.) (There's no law against it.) (That I know of.) (Of course, I could be wrong.) (But I'm probably not.) (I think.)

All I know is that it doesn't matter how loopy I am from the pain pills, I will never compare passing a kidney stone to giving birth! (Because my kids are a lot cuter than kidney stones!)

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