Thursday, May 9, 2013

My Life Without My Wife

Mother's Day is coming up this weekend. My thoughts turn to the two most important mothers in my life.

My Mom did a great job with her kids. (Obviously. Because I'm so awesome.) I will always be grateful for everything she has done for me.

And then there is My Wife. Not only is she an amazing, incredible mother to our children, she is also my best friend, personal chef, tax accountant, home repair person, wardrobe advisor, travel agent, moral compass, and so, so much more!

I shudder to think what my life would be like without My Wife. (Shudder. Shudder.) It's scary to think where I'd be.

For example, where would I be without My Wife as my tax accountant? I haven't done our taxes since we got married. If I didn't pay taxes for six years, someone would probably notice. I'd get a visit from some IRS agents. There would be an audit involved. I'd go to jail. My life would be miserable.

Where would I be without My Wife as my personal wardrobe advisor? Well, she's the one who found me my extra-tall shirts. So, without her I'd be walking around with my butt crack showing. That would not just be bad for me, that would be bad for society in general.

Also, without My Wife to guide me, I'd probably wear my green suit more often. (It's pretty scary.) Not only that, but I'd also be wearing all of my super-skinny ties that I got back in the 1980s. And, I'd probably have some weird, experimental facial hair, like a goatee or a soul patch or possibly some kind of lame attempt at muttonchop sideburns. (And yes, I might even have a mullet. It's happened before.)

Without My Wife, this Mullet Man might be unleashed again on an unsuspecting world.

Without My Wife as my home repair person, there would be a lot of things around the house that didn't work. Most notably, the shower wouldn't work. (It broke. She fixed it.) Without a working shower, I'd be pretty stinky. I'd be a stinky guy with a mullet and some patchy muttonchops with his butt crack showing from beneath his shirt.

Without My Wife as my travel agent, there are a lot of places I would never have gone. I would never have summered at Cape Cod. (And by "summered" I mean spent the better part of a week.) I would never have gone to Disneyland again. (And it is, after all, the happiest place on earth!) There are places that I'd always talked about going, but never got around to back when I was single and had all that free, single-guy time. Places like the summit of Mount Timpanogas, Timpanogas Cave, Calf Creek Falls, and the Mirror Lake Highway. But, thanks to My Wife, I've now been to all of those places!

Without My Wife as my moral compass, I'd probably go back to not going to church very often. I'd have seen a lot more "R" rated movies. I would have spent a lot, lot, lot more time watching mindless television. I would have spent thousands of dollars on comic books and DVDs of television shows that would have just sat on my shelves. (Would I have needed The Man From UNCLE, the Complete Series, that comes in the cool attache case? No. Would I have purchased it anyway? Yes. Would I have ever watched it? Probably not.)

(Of course, without My Wife I would have never seen a single episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8, so I guess not everything is a positive.)

Without My Wife as my personal chef, I would still probably be eating out five to ten times a week. Digesting that much greasy fast food for so long would not have been good for my health. I probably would have had a heart attack by now. Or be up over 300 pounds. Or both.

Without My Wife, I wouldn't know the joy of eating good, healthy food. I wouldn't eat whole wheat bread. I would never have tried things like kale, artichokes, eggplant, persimmons and mangoes. Now, I know I often use sarcasm as a tool. But, I am actually not being sarcastic when I say these things. I mean, who would have thought this beef-eating farm boy from Idaho would actually look forward to the chance to eat some eggplant, or something called "spinach pie?"

My Wife was a very good cook when we got married, but, amazingly, she keeps getting better and better and better at it. (And, like I said, her starting off point was pretty good.) Now, she is a phenomenal cook! Homemade, fresh-baked bread! Homemade jam! Oatmeal bake for breakfast! (It's like oatmeal cookies in cake form, except it's good for you!) And it's not all "health-nut" healthy. There's pizza! And chocolate cake! Muffins and cupcakes! Waffles, pancakes, and french toast! She even makes me bacon every once in a while! (And, since she knows I loathe green peppers, she saves those for those for the nights when I am away at work.)

Without My Wife I wouldn't have my kids. I wouldn't have the funny stories like the Gobstopper story or birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas. I wouldn't get so happy every time I see a bus, because I know my son loves buses so much. I wouldn't have any of the love and happiness I get from them if not for My Wife. She brought them here, she helps me keep them alive and happy and healthy and clothed and educated. She does everything for those kids.

Without My Wife as my best friend, I'd be pretty lonely. I wouldn't have anyone to talk with or listen to. I wouldn't have anyone to complain about my workday with. I wouldn't have anyone to smile, laugh, or share my happiness with. She is the bestest!

So, to sum up, without My Wife I'd be a sad, lonely, overweight, stinky guy with a mullet and some bad facial hair, and my butt crack would be showing while I sat around watching television and eating chips all day, probably in jail for tax evasion. (Unless I was already dead from a heart attack.)

Thanks for saving the world from that guy, Amber! And have a Happy Mother's Day!

[Note: I know that in these columns I usually refer to her as "The Wife." I asked Amber if that was okay, and she said she was fine with it, because she knows I do it for comedic effect. But, for today, at least, I'm going to refer to her as "My Wife." Why? I guess I'm just feeling a little possessive and extra lucky to have her in my life. I'm happy and lucky that she's mine.]

1 comment:

  1. I'm not sure who is worse: you for being this helpless or The Wife for enabling it.