Tuesday, December 11, 2018

The 12 (bad) Days of Christmas

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Or is it?

The Christmas season can be exhausting. There are a wide range of things to worry about, stress over, and cause anxiety. The whole holiday season can be quite the hassle. We're supposed to be jolly, but sometimes it's pretty easy to get pushed to the edge.

Maybe I don't want to be jolly.

Here are just a few of the things that might set you off:

1. Finding a parking spot at the mall-- Did you think you'd make a quick run to the mall to get a few things? So did every other person in the tri-state area! In December, parking spots can be about as precious as frankincense or myrrh. (But not gold--gold is still better than parking spots.)

2. Decorating the house-- I think it's great when people decorate their houses with Christmas lights, and I'll even put up some lights at my own house--but not on the roof! Roofs are steep and angled; floors are level and flat. There is a reason we walk on floors but not on roofs. I don't care how pretty the Christmas lights might be--they aren't worth me falling off of the roof!

3. Writing the family Christmas letter-- There's only so many ways you can write "Still at the same job for the past 20 years," or "Still haven't written the next great American novel," or "We've managed to keep the kids out of jail for another year."

4. Figuring out gifts for everyone-- Face it, the older you get the more people you know; and the more people you know, the more people you're supposed to get gifts for. If you can come up with five genuinely good ideas for gifts each year, you are doing fantastic. The rest of the people on your list had better be okay with gift cards or fancy crackers and cheese.

5. Finding the decorations in the closet and/or attic-- It sure seems like the only time you go to the closet and/or attic is when you are getting out or putting away the Christmas decorations, and yet every time you go in there the decorations seem to be buried underneath or behind a bevy of other boxes. Where did all of this other junk come from? And where is that one box of ornaments?

6. Fruitcake-- Some well-intentioned person will try to feed you fruitcake. Don't do it! You might think maybe this is the fruitcake that actually tastes good. It isn't.

7. The mandatory office Christmas party-- I don't like half of these people when they are sober--why would you think I'd like them when they are drunk? And keep Roger away from the mistletoe, because that's a harassment suit waiting to happen.

8. That one song that you really hate-- We each have at least one Christmas song that we absolutely despise, and you can be sure it'll get played over and over and over again. (For me, it's "Santa Baby.") (And "Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart.") (And "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.")

9. Needles from the Christmas tree getting everywhere-- You might think that this won't be a problem if you get an artificial Christmas tree. You would be wrong.

10. Wrapping the gifts-- Wrapping paper, scissors, tape, ribbon--I didn't sign up for a craft project; I just want to cover the present I bought. You know that old saying, "If you want something done right you've got to do it yourself?" Well, that doesn't apply to me here.

11. Crowds and lines-- Soooo many people want to celebrate the holidays the same way that you do, whether it's looking at the Christmas lights or trying to get your kids to see Santa. Unfortunately, when you're around that many people, you're bound to run in to some who are on the naughty list and think they are more important than you. ("Sorry, Samantha, but your kids have to wait in line just like the rest of us!")

12. Pretending to like the gifts-- How good are your acting skills? Because sometimes you'll unwrap a present and think, "What the heck?" But, you can't say, "What the heck?" because you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Meryl Streep's got nothing on all of the Academy Award worthy performances that take place on Christmas morning!

And there you have it! But, if you feel this post was a little too much of a downer, be sure to check in next week when I'll go over The 12 (good) Days of Christmas. It'll cheer you up and make you want to sing! (But not "Santa Baby," because I can't stand that song!)

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