Tuesday, August 1, 2017

How Do You Like Your Spam?

I never knew I wanted Chorizo Spam until I saw it in the store.

Yes, I said, "Chorizo Spam." Actually, to be completely accurate it is "Spam with Chorizo seasoning." Doesn't that sound delicious? Haven't you always thought, "Do you know what would make Spam (America's third least favorite meat-like food substance*) even better? If it had a hint of Spanish sausage!"

*[Spam finishes just in front of liverwurst and pimento loaf.]

Mmmm...it's Glorious SPAM!!!

Do people still buy Spam? We used to have Spam when I was a kid. Mom used to slice it up, fry it on the griddle, and slap it on some bread for a sandwich. It was similar to bologna, except thicker and more rectangular-ish. (To be fair I should point out that there was one dish Mom made with Spam that I really liked, but it was more due to the eggs, pickles, and melted cheese than the Spam.)

For the most part, people find Spam undesirable. That's why we named our junk mail after it. Both kinds of Spam are unrelenting, ever-present, and uninvited. Spam is always there, even though we really don't want it.

But now, Spam comes in flavors! I'm somewhat intrigued. I'm almost interested enough to buy some and chop it up into a taco, like the picture on the front of the Chorizo Spam can. Almost, but not quite.

Maybe I'll try Teriyaki Spam instead. Yes, I said "Teriyaki Spam." Because that's a thing, too. I could slice up a big chunk of Teriyaki Spam, slap it on top of a bed of rice, serve it with some seaweed, and have some faux* sushi. Because nothing screams sushi quite like Spam.

*[Faux means fake or pretend. I'm not sure why anyone would make pretend sushi out of Spam.]

Is it sushi? Is it SPAM? Is it both?

The Teriyaki and Chorizo were the only two new flavors of Spam that I saw in the store, but I wonder if they are working on any others. And if so, what could they be? Here are a few possibilities:
     Chipotle Spam
     Chipolte Spam (for those who have trouble spelling or pronouncing "Chipotle.")
     Pumpkin Spice Spam
     Asiago Spam
     Southern Barbecue Spam
     Spam with Kale
     Fresh Alaskan King Crab Spam
     Italian Spice Spam
     Hot Spam! (with Ghost Peppers)
     Cinnamon Spam
     Salmon Spam
     Hawaiian Spam (with Pineapple Tidbits!)
     Red Velvet Spam
     And, coming soon to your favorite fast food franchise: McSpam!

I have a feeling these two flavors are just the beginning.

In the end, I didn't buy any Spam, and I doubt any of these "exciting" new flavors are enticing enough to get me interested. There's a reason why we named our junk-mail after Spam: it's ever-present, but no one seems to pay much attention to it.

But, in a way, it's comforting to know that Spam is always there. If, for some strange reason, I ever get a hankering for a meat-like substance that is rectangular with rounded edges, I just might reach for a can.

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