Friday, March 4, 2016

Friday Fiction: Canada Is Waiting For You

Hello, Americans!

My name is Clifford Icehammer, and I'd like to tell you about a wonderful opportunity that I am offering for you and all of your friends.

Do you like Canada? Of course you do! You love Canada because Canadians are just like Americans, except more polite. You love Canada because we've given you ice hockey, lumberjacks, and the Royal Mounted Police.

You love Canada because we've given you Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Lorne Michaels, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Castle and Beckett (Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic), Cobie Smulders, Alanis Morissette, Avril Lavigne, and many, many more. You've even forgiven us for giving you Justin Bieber and Nickleback.  (Just remember that we gave you John Candy. Everyone loved John Candy.)

Oh, Canada!

Not only is Canada full of nice people, it is a nice place. Canada is quiet, laid-back, pleasant, and it's not always freezing cold. (Yes, we do actually have summer!) And, perhaps most importantly, in Canada we are not under the influence of the President of the United States.

Yes, I've been watching your presidential primaries, and I've been watching the rise of Donald Trump. I've been watching Trump with a great deal of interest. And, as a result, my construction crews have been working non-stop to help create a better Canada for Americans!

I'm creating communities across Canada expressly for Americans who want to flee their country, called "Flee America!" These new Canadian/American communities will offer all the amenities of America, without the potential problems of an insanely unqualified president!

Every Flee America! residence will come complete with Netflix and Hulu! Each community features its own Walmart (currently under construction), McDonald's, and Olive Garden. And yes, Amazon will deliver next-day right to your door! (And, of course, you'll also get our free Canadian medical plan.)

There are currently three Flee America! communities ready for you:

Hope, British Columbia. Hope is located within two hours of the wonderful metropolis of Vancouver, which is known as "Hollywood of the North." (They filmed X-Files and Smallville there, you know!) Come hobnob with Hollywood elite in Hope!

Prescott, Ontario. Less than an hour from the Canadian capital of Ottawa, Prescott is just an hour away from New York City by plane! Experience big city America right here in small-town Canada!

and, Winkler, Manitoba. For those who really want to get away from it all, you can experience Canada in all of its Canadianness! (It's just like North Dakota, only a little more northish!)

Packages for Flee America! are available now, including the Four-Year Plan, the Just-In-Case Eight-Year Plan, and the Ah-The-Heck-With-It Lifetime Plan.

And, there's a special, limited-time offer! If you lock in to Flee America! now, before the election, you will receive a steep discount.

So, if you feel you need to flee America, do it in comfort with Flee America!

See you when you flee,
Clifford Icehammer

But wait! What if it's not Trump you want to flee from? What if you want to get away from Hillary Clinton? Don't worry, Flee America! is ready for you, too!

To be honest, when I first thought to create Flee America! I did so with Hillary in mind. Back then, Trump wasn't even really a blip on my radar. So, if you want to Flee America! to get away from Hillary, we have plenty of room for you, too!

So remember, if you want to Flee America! come on up. Canada is waiting for you!

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