Friday, February 2, 2018

8 Things NOT to Give Your Sweetheart on Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is coming up in just a few days. It's a very important day for anyone who is in a relationship. If you botch Valentine's Day for your sweetheart, the month of February, which is already cold and miserable, will become even more cold and miserable.

People ask me all the time, "What should I get my wife and/or girlfriend for Valentine's Day?" First of all, when I say "people ask me all the time," I'm lying. No one has ever asked me that. Secondly, if you have a "wife and/or girlfriend," you're going to be in a bit of trouble. There can't be an "and/or," just an "or." Either you have a wife or you have a girlfriend. You can't have more than one. Unless you're that guy from Sister Wives. (I have no clue how he handles Valentine's Day. It's got to be pretty complicated.)

Actually, I don't really know what you should get your wife or girlfriend for Valentine's Day, because I don't know your wife or your girlfriend. But, I do know some things you shouldn't get her for Valentine's Day. Here are eight things on the "Don't get" list, and what it says about your relationship if you do:

*An iron--"I love you and I want you to iron my clothes." Or, "I love you, but your clothes are too wrinkly."

*An ironing board--See above.

Unless she specifically asks for an iron, please do not be Iron Man!

*A set of mixing bowls--"I love you and I want you to make food for me." Or, "I love you, but I don't think you make me cake often enough."

*Gift cards to McDonald's--"I love you and I'd like to go to McDonald's with you." Or, "I love you, but your cooking is so bad that I'd rather eat at McDonald's."

*Gift cards to Taco Bell--"I love you and I'd like to go to Taco Bell with you." Or, "I love you, and I want you to fart more often."

*Gym membership--"I love you, but I want you to lose weight." Or, "I love you and I want you to have awkward social interactions with sweaty strangers who are wearing stretchy pants."

*Laundry detergent--"I love you and I want you to do all of my laundry." Or, "I love you and I am the worst gift-giver ever."

*Anchorman 2 on DVD and/or Blue Ray--"I love you and I've never seen this movie but I liked the first one so I kind of want to see this one even though I heard it wasn't very good." Or, "I love you and I want you to be mad at me."

If you are thinking about getting your sweetheart any of these things: Don't! Just don't do it. If you can't think of anything more original, you can always go with flowers or chocolates. They may not be the most creative of gifts, but at least they say, "I love you, and I remembered that it is Valentine's Day." Or, "I love you and I hope you don't mind if I eat more than half of your chocolates."

Edited from a post originally published on 2/5/16.

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