Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Looking Into the Crystal Ball for 2018

Welcome to 2018!!! It's an exciting new year, and a lot of fun and exciting things are going to happen! I've looked into my crystal ball and seen into the future. (Okay, so I don't really have a crystal ball. I used one of the little plastic balls from the ball pit my kids got for Christmas. It should work about the same, shouldn't it?)

I can see the future!
Here's a few of the things I see happening:

January: A severe winter storm dumps over two feet of snow on Washington D.C., forcing the government to come to a standstill. Nobody notices. Meanwhile, President Trump sends a tweet from his resort in Florida that many people find offensive.

February: The Minnesota Vikings become the first team in NFL history to play in the Super Bowl on their home field. They lose to the New England Patriots when an apparent Adam Thielen touchdown catch is overturned on review after officials rule he didn't maintain possession of the ball for at least 45 seconds after entering the end zone. In other news, President Trump sends out a tweet that some people find offensive.

March: Taco Bell introduces a new product called the "Crunchilada." It's a crunchy enchilada, featuring meat, beans, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes in a crunchy tortilla shell. (Kind of like a taco, except slightly different.) Elsewhere, President Trump sends out a tweet so outrageous that some people are sure it will be the one ends his presidency. It doesn't.

April: Microsoft, working in conjunction with noted hypnotist The Amazing Kreskin, sends out a software update that, when people stare long enough at the twirling circles, hypnotizes them into deleting Google Chrome and Firefox from their devices. Meanwhile, President Trump sends out a tweet that offends absolutely nobody, a fact that confuses many pundits.

Don't look directly at the twirly circle!

May: The movie Avengers: Infinity War opens at theaters in a few select cities. The movie features more superheroes than you can shake a stick at. (Depending upon how skilled and quick you are at shaking sticks.) When President Trump's Twitter account is quiet for 37 consecutive hours, there is rampant speculation that the President is dead. (He isn't, he was just binge-watching the first eight seasons of NCIS.)

June: After losing in the NBA Finals to the Golden State Warriors for the third time in four years, LeBron James surprises many by signing a contract to join the Warriors. The Warriors then also sign Chris Paul, Paul George, DeMarcus Cousins, and the entire freshman class of the University of Kentucky.

July: Ohio governor John Kasich announces he will sue any national media outlet that refers to Ohio as a "red state" or a "blue state." He declares, "Ohio is a purple state." Back in Washington, President Trump sends out 17 tweets in one hour; pundits take offense at only four of them. Some worry the President is getting soft.

August: Republicans and Democrats gridlock over which type of font should be used on all government publications, Helvetica or Times New Roman. No compromise can be reached until the print house takes it upon itself to alternate fonts with every other word.

September: Taco Bell introduces a new product called the "Tacorrito." It's a combination of a taco and a burrito, featuring meat, beans, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes rolled into a soft tortilla and placed inside a crunchy tortilla shell.

October: The Los Angeles Dodgers defeat the Houston Astros in a rematch of last year's World Series. Political pundits hail it as a great victory for the blue states over the red states. Meanwhile, when President Trump wishes his daughter a Happy Birthday in a tweet, pundits assail him for using Twitter for non-political messages.

November: In a shocking development, every single incumbent, both Republican and Democrat, is voted out of office by a fed up populace! Unfortunately, the newly elected officials are split between the two new Independent parties, the Common Sense party and the We Need Change party. Political gridlock continues.

December: McDonald's offers a new item, the McEggnog McMuffin, which is basically an Egg McMuffin drenched in eggnog. While many people enjoy the taste, they find it too messy to eat in their car. In his final presidential message of the year, President Trump tweets something that many find offensive, and many others don't.

It should be an interesting year.

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