A Month Full of Days

May is almost here and it's time to celebrate! Celebrate what, you ask? You probably thought May was just for Mother's Day, Memorial Day, and possibly the last day of school. Well, there are a lot of other "holidays" in May. Celebrate as many of them as you want! (And no, I did not make any of these up.)

May 3: National Two Different Colored Shoes Day. This is a day to recognize and celebrate the uniqueness and diversity of humanity...by wearing two different colored shoes.

Nothing says "diversity" quite like two different colored shoes.

May 4: Star Wars Day. May the fourth be with you!

May 5: International Tuba Day. Haven't you always wanted to play the tuba? There's no better time to learn than International Tuba Day!

May 6: International No Diet Day. Eat whatever you want, because there's no counting calories on International No Diet Day.

May 8: No Socks Day. It's pretty simple: if you don't wear any socks you won't have stinky socks.

May 13: National Frog Jumping Day. Who needs the NBA playoffs when you can enjoy the competitive world of frog jumping?

May 15: National Chocolate Chip Day. Seriously, which would you rather have in your cookie, chocolate chips or raisins?

Mmmm...chocolate chips! (And not a raisin in sight.)

May 18: National No Dirty Dishes Day. Think of the millions of gallons of water saved if no one used their dishwashers for a day! (I believe this "holiday" is sponsored by the paper plate industry.)

May 21: National Waitstaff Day. Be sure to give a generous tip to your waiter or waitress. (Even if they forgot to refill your water.)

May 23: Turtle Day. Get out of your shell and enjoy all things turtly and tortoise-ish.

May 25: Geek Pride Day. Not to be confused with Greek Pride Day. (Although if you are Greek and a geek you could celebrate them both.)

May 26: Paper Airplane Day. Fold it and let it fly!

May 28: National Hamburger Day. My question: Is it okay to have a cheeseburger on National Hamburger Day?

May 31: National Speak In Complete Sentences Day. Sure. You bet. Can't wait.

9 Things I Learned at the Happy Fun Time Place!

We recently had a birthday party for our seven year-old at the Happy Fun Time Place (not it's real name.) He chose the venue. (Personally I would have been fine with taking everyone to the library and having them sit quietly and read for a couple of hours, but nobody asked me.)

The Happy Fun Time Place has everything a seven year-old could want: a skating area, a track for riding scooters, bouncy houses, bouncy slides, bouncy obstacle courses, a jungle playground, rides, video games, arcade games, pizza, and (just in case the kids weren't hyper enough already) soda pop.

Slip-sliding away.

After spending a few hours at the Happy Fun Time Place, I learned a few things. Such as:

1. There are a lot of children in this world, and most of them will be at the Happy Fun Time Place on a Saturday afternoon. (Sooooo many kids!!!)

2. Other people's kids pay absolutely no attention to adults. Kids will walk into you, run into you, push you, step on your feet, crowd in front of you, and generally ignore you. Adults will not be an impediment to having a fun time at the Happy Fun Time Place!

3. Your own kids will pay no attention to you, either. (Unless they are out of tokens to play the arcade games.)

4. When you start you will think, "We have so many tokens, there is no way we will ever use them all." Forty-five minutes later you will think, "Is this the last token? I thought we had more tokens."

5. There will probably be one kid who will go to the top of a really tall slide, then get scared, freak out, and cause a big scene about not wanting to go down the really tall slide. After fifteen minutes of begging, bargaining, threats, and lots of tears, the kid will finally go down the slide...and then immediately climb back up to the top and go back down another seventeen times.

6. There will always be that one parent who thinks he is still a kid and will skate a little too hard, or bounce a little too bouncy, or be a little too competitive at the air hockey table. Someone will end up crying. (Either a kid when he hurts them, or him when he loses at air hockey.) (It'll be an angry cry. Watch out, he might throw something!)

7. At some point, the kids will become obsessed with getting as many tickets as possible so they can get prizes. (Some of the arcade games spit out tickets if you do particularly well at them.)

And you thought redemption was just a topic for Sunday School lessons.

8. No matter how many tickets the kids accumulate, they will be disappointed by the prizes available to them. (In fact, they'll probably be about ten tickets short of getting the toy that they really, really want.)

9. The ultimate goal of the day should be that when they leave, the kids have smiles on their faces; and that when you leave you still have at least a portion of your sanity. If you can meet these small goals, your time at the Happy Fun Time Place has been a success.

Shampoo, Soap, or Baby Food?

Have you ever been in the shower, smelled your shampoo, and thought, "This smells delicious! I wish they made food in this flavor." Or been washing your hands and thought, "If they made a beverage this flavor, I'd buy it and drink it."

If you walk down the shampoo or soap aisles of any store you'll be bombarded with all kinds of yummy-sounding "flavors" of products you can't eat or drink. It can be very confusing.

For today, I've devised a quiz, to see if you can determine, by the flavor, if a product is a shampoo, soap, or some kind of actual food. (For the sake of this quiz, I'm going to consider hair conditioner as shampoo, and body wash as soap.) Let's see how you do.

1. "Vanilla Creme"--is it:
O A. Shampoo
O B. Soap
O C. Baby food
O D. Beverage
O E. Candy

Answer #1--B. Soap

2. "Coconut, Jojoba, and Macadamia Oils"--is it:
O A. Shampoo
O B. Soap
O C. Baby food
O D. Beverage
O E. Suntan lotion

Answer #2--A. Shampoo

3. "Mango Splash"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Aftershave

Answer #3--B. Soap

4. "Apple Mango with Rice and Vanilla"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Candy

Answer #4--C. Baby food

5. "Mango and Citrus Essence"-- is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Toothpaste

Answer #5--A. Shampoo

6. "Orange, Mango, Peach"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit, fruit, fruit

Answer #6--D. Beverage

7. "Warm Mango Sunset"--is it:
O A. Shampoo
O B. Soap
O C. Baby food
O D. Beverage
O E. Song by Jimmy Buffet

Answer #7--B. Soap

8. "Zucchini, Banana, and Amaranth"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Scented candle

Answer #8--C. Baby food

9. "Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramel"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Candy

Answer #9--E. Candy

10. "Chocolate"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Yarn

Answer #10--E. Yarn

11. "Green Apple"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit

Answer #11--A. Shampoo

12. "Juicy Green Apple"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit

Answer #12--A. Shampoo

13. "Apple Extract with Ceramide"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit (with Ceramide)

Answer #13--A. Shampoo
(Don't worry, I don't know what "Ceramide" is, either. I don't think anyone does.)

14. "Apple with Spinach"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit and vegetable

Answer #14--C. Baby food

15. "Crisp Pear and Fuji Apple"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Fruit and fruit

Answer #15--B. Soap

16. "Champagne Mango and White Ginger"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Singing duo

Answer #16--B. Soap

17. "Coconut Water Vanilla Milk"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Song by Jimmy Buffet

Answer #17--A. Shampoo

18. "Fresh Melon Margarita"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Song by Jimmy Buffet

Answer #18--B. Soap

19. "Peppermint Meringue"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Pie

O F. Ice cream

Answer #19--B. Soap

20. "Sweet & Salty Caramel"--is it:

O A. Shampoo

O B. Soap

O C. Baby food

O D. Beverage

O E. Scented Candle

Answer #20--E. Scented candle

And there you have it.

So, the next time you find yourself in a lounge chair on a sunny beach, listening to Jimmy Buffet, holding a tall glass with an umbrella sticking out of it, ask yourself this question: Should I drink this, eat this, or wash my hair with this?

Five Day Forecast

I'm thinking about going on a picnic this weekend. What do I want to see? The five-day forecast.

I need to put some weed-n-seed down on the lawn, but I need to know if it's going to rain in the next few days. What do I want to see? The five-day forecast.

I've got that coupon for a free car wash. Should I use it today, or wait until the weather is better? The five-day forecast would be helpful.

Camping? Five-day forecast. Boating? Five-day forecast. Golfing? Five-day forecast. Barbecue? Propane. (And the five-day forecast.) Planting a garden? Five-day forecast. Burying some bodies at a remote location? Five-day forecast.

Basically, any time I see the weather-person on the television, there's only one thing I want to see: the five-day forecast!

That's a nice five-day forecast!

But, they never go right to the five-day forecast, do they? They'll talk about yesterday's weather. (Nobody cares about yesterday's weather.) Maybe they'll talk about an interesting storm developing in Des Moines. (Nobody cares about the weather in Des Moines.)

Sometimes they'll even get up there, talk about a few things, point at a few other things, not give the five-day forecast, then have the gall to say something like, "I'll be back in a few minutes with the five-day forecast." 

The weather-person should never appear on the screen without giving the five-day forecast! They should start with the five-day forecast, finish with the five-day forecast, and do the five-day forecast in the middle! All we really want is the five-day forecast! If only there was some way we could make them go straight to the five-day forecast! 

Wait. What's that? You say there's an app on my phone? You say I can just click on an icon on my phone and have the five-day forecast any time I want it? I can even look up the five-day forecast for Des Moines if I want? Wow!

Guess what weather-person? You've just become obsolete.

Now if I could just get an accurate five-day forecast.

Big Brother

My brother had a birthday this week. I'm so busy with my own family of four kids these days that I didn't get a chance to be with him on his birthday. Oh, I called and my family sang him a horribly off-key rendition of "Happy Birthday," but I wish I could do more to show him how much he's meant to me. Maybe this will be a start.

My brother showed me how to be a friend. Even though he was four years older than me, he let his annoying little brother follow him around. (It probably helped that we lived in a town so small that there weren't many kids his age for him to play with, but I really don't think that would have mattered much.)

Here the two of us are posing in front of a tree on Arbor Day. (I think.)

He taught me how to burp.

He helped instill in me a love for sports. We've watched, played, and talked about many a game over the years.

He taught me how to lose gracefully-ish. (Because it was very rare that I would ever beat him at anything.)

Wrestling with my brother. (I'm the one in a headlock.)

He taught me the joy of victory. (Because the one time I actually did beat him in one-on-one basketball still stands as one of the greatest athletic achievements of my life! We played a game to 60, and I got red-hot on a little running hook shot. It was the only shot I could consistently get off that he couldn't block. It was a glorious win!) (I don't think he let me beat him....)

He has always been a great example to me.

Didn't I just say he was a great example? So why isn't he wearing a life jacket?

He taught me that burps are funny.

He greatly influenced my taste in music when he purchased those 8-track tapes of the Electric Light Orchestra, Queen, and Styx. (Even though he now seems to prefer listening to country music. Country music? Really???)

He helped mold my sense of humor into the warped lunacy that it is today.

Here we are with my sister. She's pretty darn awesome, too!
(Gee, we sure took a lot of pictures on Arbor Day, didn't we?)

He was a rock and steadying force for me when my parents got divorced while I was away serving as a Mormon missionary.

He showed me how to be a good husband and a good father.

My brother on his wedding day. (And me auditioning for Napoleon Dynamite.)

While I drifted through life as an aimless single adult, he and his wonderful wife took me in (figuratively, and often literally) and gave me family I could love.

Since my Dad passed away shortly before I got married, he has filled the double role of being an uncle and a substitute grandpa to my kids. In fact, he showers my kids with so much love that they know him by two different names, Uncle John and Uncle Baby-Hog.

He's always there when I need him. (Even though I sometimes take him for granted.)

He taught me how to say the alphabet while I burp.

He was, is, and always will be a wonderful brother.

Out To Eat With the Kids

It's always an adventure when you take four kids out to eat at a restaurant.

As we entered, the host asked us, "How many?" It's a simple question. Unfortunately, the answer isn't quite as easy. I'm never sure which one of these to go with:

1. "There are six of us."--this answer is simple and true, but it lacks the basic information that a large percentage of those six might end up flinging food across the room.

2. "There are two adults and four kids."--now we are forcing the host to do math. Also, this answer doesn't take into account the wide-ranging age difference between the kids and how that will effect the dining experience for all involved. And there's the question of how many kid menus will be needed.

Kid menus: Fewer pages; more crayons.

3. "There are four of us, plus two kids."--this makes the two youngest children seem less important than the two older ones. It also makes the two older children seem like adults.

4. "There are two adults, two big kids, and two little kids."--and a partridge in a pear tree.

5. "There are two adults, a nine year-old, a six year-old, a two year-old, and an eleven-month old."--this is a good way to totally confuse the host. But, this is how we introduce the family at the movie theater or anywhere else that charges kids differently based on age.

6. "There are six of us, but two will be in high chairs."--this is the one we went with this time. It was only partially confusing.

Unfortunately, the host heard that as "four people and two high chairs," so he directed us to a table with four chairs around it and room for only four people. Apparently he didn't think the kids in the two high chairs needed access to the table.

Eventually he found us a table for six, pulled a couple of chairs away, and tried to put the two high chairs next to each other, not realizing there must be an adult between the two high chairs at all times.

The table for six was the perfect size for us. Or at least it should have been. If we each had a sixth of the table we would have been fine. But, an eleven month-old baby has a tendency to grab anything he can reach, ranging from salsa, soda, salt shaker, straws, spoons, forks, and/or knives. So, in order to keep things out of his reach, the rest of us had to scrunch together, giving him almost half of the table to himself.

You would think he can't reach any of his brother's french fries. You would be wrong.

It's a little-known fact that babies can reach up to three times farther than their body is long.

When they brought our food to us, the server warned our older children, "The plate is very hot!" Then he told the two year-old, "Your plate is not hot. You can touch it." This was true. However, the food on the plate was very hot, as she promptly discovered when she flung a steaming hot french fry into her mouth.

If it's such a hassle to take the kids out to eat, you may wonder why The Wife and I ever bother to do so. It's pretty simple: neither of us has to cook, and neither of us has to do dishes.

Unlimited Pictures (But Are They Any Good?)

These days everybody has a camera in their pocket. If you want to take a picture of something, you pull out your phone, and take anywhere from one to forty-seven photos, then slide your phone back into your pocket. You then look at the pictures, decide which one or two you like the best, and delete all of the rest.

(Ha ha! Just kidding. You keep all of those pictures on your phone until the day you have a really important picture you want to take, but you can't take a picture because your phone is full of all those pictures you never got around to deleting.)

Back in the day, we didn't take as many pictures. Why? Because we were limited by the number of photos available on a roll of film. Usually a roll of film or a disposable camera (remember them?) would hold 24 pictures. Because of the scarcity of available pictures, we were much more selective as to what we would take pictures of. (Not nearly so many selfies, or photos of food.)

The disposable camera has gone the way of the record album.

That's not to say there weren't any bad pictures taken back then, just not so darn many of them!

Today, we can take as many pictures as our phones will store. That's hundreds of pictures, or thousands of pictures, or maybe even hundreds of thousands of pictures. As a result, we are not very discerning about what we take pictures of. If it's a useless picture, we'll just ignore it. But we'll still carry it around on our phone for months, and we'll still download it onto our computers.

The other day I was at the grocery store and my wife wanted me to pick up some popcorn for her. (She's a school teacher and needed it for some lesson she was going to teach.) She wasn't sure how big the bags of popcorn were, so she wasn't sure how many she wanted. So, I took a picture of the popcorn, texted it to her, and asked her how many bags she wanted. (Two.)

That's Korn spelled with a "K" so you know it's gotta be good!

So, now I have a picture of a bag of popcorn on my phone. And, that same picture has been downloaded to my computer. Why did I take this picture? Because I can take a pretty much unlimited amount of pictures. Why do I still have this picture? Because I'm too lazy and/or indifferent to delete it.

As a result, I've got a lot of pictures like this one taking up space on my phone and computer:

Aside from the blurriness, I also very much like the random socked feet on the left.

But, that picture is a piece of art compared to some of the others, like this one:

The Doorway to Your Soul.

Or this one:

'Ears to you!

The thing is, pictures like these will never be deleted. Oh, we'll say things like, "One of these days I'm going to go through all of my pictures and organize them," but it won't ever happen. These pictures will stand the test of time. They'll forever be a monument to how terrible we are at photography and how wasteful we are with the storage space we have on our phones and computers.

Mr. Remoto

My ten month-old son wants to hold the remote.

He can't walk. He can't crawl. But if we put him on our bed he will fling himself in the direction of the remote. He'll roll. He'll reach. He'll grab blankets and pull himself to the edge of the bed. He knows that's where the remote is, and he knows he wants that remote.

The new King of the Remote!

It's genetic. He gets his need for the remote from his father.

Since we've been married, my wife has called me a number of things; some good, some bad. (Mostly good.) Among the names she's had for me is Mr. Remoto. I believe she thinks of it as an insult, but I consider it a compliment.

I like to hold the remote. I like the feel of it in my hand. I like the power it gives me. Plus, when I'm not holding the remote, I know where it goes. There is a place for the remote, and when it is not being used, the remote should be in that place so that when someone wants to use the remote they will not have to search for it. These are simple rules of the remote, but the wife and kids don't always adhere to these rules. They will often just drop the remote the last place they had it instead of putting it where it is supposed to go. This is one more reason why I like to control the remote.

Another reason is volume. As I get older (I'm currently forty-ten) I find that I need to have the volume up just a little bit louder than the younger people who live in the house. (Often I have to have it louder because of the younger people who live in the house!)

I think my fondness for remotes might stem from my youth. We didn't have a remote controlled television in our house. If we wanted to change the channel, someone would have to get up out of their chair and walk all the way over to the television and turn a dial on the front of the console. (Yes, I said "console." It's a word, look it up.) Would my Dad get out of his chair to change the channel? No. Would my Mom? No. Would my older sister, or older brother? Not if I was there. As the youngest in the family, I became a living, breathing Human Remote. I would be the one getting up, walking across the room, and turning that channel.

A picture of me in my early days as the Living Remote.

Yes, I became Mr. Remoto the moment I was old enough to walk across the room and strong enough to turn that dial! And now, my son wants to follow in my footsteps. But, he'll have to wait; I'm not ready to put that remote down quite yet.