Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Beware the Fart-Storm

We all know that one person.

That one person who lets the stinkiest farts.

Often, these people are proud of their stinky farts. They'll needlessly draw attention to themselves as they fart. They'll announce their fart by shushing everyone before they fart, so the fart can be heard. Or they'll lift their leg or raise their butt cheek so that everyone will know they are farting. They'll smile.

I say "needlessly draw attention" because these attention-getting acts are totally unnecessary. Because once the odor of the fart starts wafting through the room, everyone will be paying attention. They'll be holding their noses, or gasping for air, or running for the nearest window. Exclamatory profanities will be uttered. At least one person in the room will question out loud if someone has soiled themselves.

It can be a very traumatic experience for all involved.

There's not much that can be done in these situations. The best course of action is to put as much distance as possible between you and the offending odor's instigator.

But, sometimes that's just not feasible. You see, it just so happens that the stinkiest farter in my life happens to be my five month-old baby son! I can't get away from him because usually I am holding him. He farts when I am feeding him a bottle. He farts when I am trying to burp him. He farts when I am changing his diaper. (This is actually his favorite time to fart. He likes to have a new, fart-free diaper to fill with fresh, new farts.)(And when I say "fresh," I mean "stanky.")

Actually, he doesn't need the gas mask. Everyone else does.

I have four children, and several nieces and nephews. I've been in locker rooms. I was once a teenage boy. I've even been around people who have eaten cabbage for several days in a row. And yet, in my entire lifetime I have never been around a person who can so consistently and frequently let such stinky farts!

The closest approximation I can think of is that I once knew a family that had a large pit bull dog. That pit bull is the only creature on the face of the planet that I have ever been around with farts that have a comparative stench to my sweet baby boy's farts.

And, even at such a young age, he's pretty proud of his farts. He smiles every time he passes gas. He does it so often we have started to call him The Fart-Storm.

I don't know what to do about it. I can only hold my breath for so long. I really hope he grows out of it.

Of course, there's always the chance he'll get worse.

When I told my wife I was calling our son the stinkiest farter ever, she disagreed. She is a junior high teacher, and she says she's smelled worse. In fact, she let me know there are a number of fart-related stories she'd like to tell me, but can't due to teacher/student confidentiality.

So, as stinky as his farts are now, they could be even nastier when he gets to junior high! I shudder at the thought. (And heaven help us all if he ever eats cabbage!)

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