Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Men Like To Fart

Men like to pass gas. Women do not like it when men pass gas.

And yet, despite these divergent attitudes, men and women manage to fall in love every day. (Of course, there are many other areas in which men and women differ, such as remote control usage, asking for directions, the number of shoes a person "needs," and the proper placement of the toilet seat. But, for today, we are going to focus on the farting.)

Men fart more than women. This is fact. I base this statement not on any scientific study, but on my own personal observation. If anyone did do a scientific study on this subject, it would undoubtedly lead to a headline such as, "Study Shows Men Pass Gas More Often Than Women," which would be followed by an untold number of people across the country saying, "Duh! I wonder how much money they wasted on that study."

This is not to say that women don't fart, they just don't do it as often, and are much more discreet about it when they do. In the right social setting (such as a room full of other guys) a man might raise his leg or lift his butt cheek and loudly announce to the world what would be obvious to anyone with auditory and olfactory senses. The most you'll get out of a woman is an embarrassed, "Excuse me," (If she acknowledges her misdeed at all.)

To compound the problem, not only do men pass gas more often than women, they also like to pass gas. To a man, farting is funny. About the only thing men find as consistently funny as farting is a monkey flinging its own poop. (Upon further consideration, it really doesn't matter whose poop the monkey is flinging, so long as it is poop.)

The successful completion of the old "pull my finger" routine is every bit as satisfying to a man as a game-winning touchdown by his favorite team. In fact, the ability to fart at will is like a super power envied by other guys. (When I say "fart at will," I mean to fart on demand, not fart in the direction of someone named Will.)(Of course, if Will is a jerk, being able to fart at Will would be a desirous ability as well.)

Pull my finger! 

So, a man reacts to a fart with laughter and/or admiration. A woman reacts to a fart simply by saying, "Ewwww." When a man and a woman first start dating, the last thing a guy wants to do is make the woman go "Ewwww." There are enough obstacles in a relationship without blowing it right out of the gate by farting and scaring her away.

Ideally, this would mean the man would just never fart around the woman. But, men are men and gas must be passed, so the quest becomes: "How do I pass gas without my date noticing?"

Smell and sound are the two components that will give a fart away. I was a lucky man when I was courting The Wife. She does not have a sense of smell. Occasionally there will be times when I smell something good, like freshly baked cookies or newly mowed grass, and I'll be sad that The Wife can't enjoy these smells. But mostly I'm glad that she doesn't have to smell my farts. (And, I'm sure, so is she.) (Especially since the frequency of a man's farts escalates the longer they are in a relationship.)

Not having to worry about her smelling my farts, I found the best way to relieve my gastral pressure would be to open the car door for her, then fart like a madman while I walked around to the other side of the car to get into my door. In this way I could be chivalrous and release all of my pent-up gas. Most men can't do this for fear of lingering odor, but it worked for me in my situation.

I'm not sure how most guys avoid getting their smell detected. I've heard of many theories, from the use of air fresheners to a man I know in Idaho who reupholstered his car seat so there was a funnel built into his seat that would channel the smell away. I don't think any of these things work all that well. Basically as a guy you have to hope that you have enough good qualities that your date will overlook a few distraught smells, as long as you ty to keep them at a minimum.

But, as the relationship grows, so, slowly, does the amount of gas passed. I call this the gas escalation, or "gascalation." The more confidence a man has that the woman wants to be with him, the more he'll ease up on the tremendous pressure of holding in his gas. (It takes a lot of effort to hold all of that gas in. If you don't let some out every once in a while, you could explode!) (I saw it happen in a cartoon once.)

I had been dating The Wife for a couple of months before I ever let any gas slip out while in her presence.

And then we got married, and the floodgates were opened. At first I would let a few farts out, then apologize profusely, saying things like, "Golly, that almost never happens." But, as the months and years progressed, so did the number of farts. The apologies, however, have lessened, both in frequency and in quality. (Pretty much all I say anymore is, "Oops," or occasionally I'll blame mythical frogs or ducks that must be living in out air vents. Or an imaginary elephant in our backyard.)

When I had only been married for a few months, I wondered if the "gascalation" would continue. I wondered if I would get to the point where I would fart around my wife as loudly and proudly as I did with my old friends. Would I announce a forthcoming fart by saying something like, "Hey, check this one out!" or "Here comes the motorboat!" or "Have you heard me play the tuba?"

It hasn't reached that point, but it still might. The Wife has been very tolerant of me and my gascapades. She has only made me promise that I won't ever "dutch oven" her. (A "dutch oven" is when, in bed, the man cover's his wife's head with the blankets and then farts so she can't escape the fumes.) I will really try to keep that promise, but I am a guy, and fart humor is hard to resist.

Of course, with all the time that we've spent together, I have actually heard my wife break wind a few times. Her farts are usually short and demure. Maybe I'll be able to bring her around to the guy way of thinking about farts. Maybe we'll sit around and see who can fart the loudest and the longest. Maybe, someday, my wife will actually let me pull her finger!

Now choose a title that best fits this story. Fill in the circle completely or you may not get complete credit.

0 A. The Gascapades
0 B. Passing Fancy
0 C. Where There's a Will, There's a Way
0 D. Focus on Farting
0 E. The Gascalation Proclamation
0 F. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

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