The Phone's Ringing! Answer It!

Ring!  Ring!

The phone is ringing! I must go answer it!

Eating dinner? Let me put this fork down, 'cause I gotta answer that phone!

In the middle of changing a diaper? Slap something on that baby fast, 'cause I gotta answer that phone!

Just stepping out of the shower? Grab a towel and run, 'cause I gotta answer that phone!

Castle and Beckett are about to catch the killer? That's what the pause button is for, 'cause I gotta answer that phone!

In the middle of an actual conversation with an actual person? They can wait, 'cause I gotta answer that phone!

Answer it!!!

This is one area where The Wife and I have a definite difference of philosophy. Where I jump and run to answer it whenever the phone rings, The Wife ignores it and acts indifferent. "I have a phone for my convenience, not anyone else's," is what she says. She says that if the call is important enough, they will leave a message, or they will try to call again.

The Wife feels the phone is not always and not often more important than whatever else she may be doing at that moment. (This includes when she is playing Angry Birds.) Since the vast majority of calls we get are from telemarketers, this approach seems sensible and probably even logical.

But, it's not for me.

You see, when I hear the phone ring, I feel a compulsion to drop everything and answer that phone. You never know, it could be important. I gotta, gotta, gotta answer it!!!

It could be the Vikings calling to offer me a spot as a starting linebacker!

It could be the lottery commission telling me I've won the lottery, even though I've never bought a ticket!

It could be JJ Abrams offering me the role of Spock's brother for the next Star Trek movie!

It could be the Vikings offering me the head coaching job! (Couldn't be worse than Brad Childress.)

It could be Pete's Pork Palace offering me a lifetime supply of free bacon!

It could be Billy Joel, Jeff Lynne, Elton John, Steve Perry, Tom Petty, and Neil Diamond offering me a spot in their new supergroup the Traveling Abernathy's.

Or, you know, it could be a telemarketer. Actually, it probably is a telemarketer.

For all my running and wishing and hoping, about 90% of the calls that come in to the home phone are telemarketers. (The Vikings haven't called once!) (Not even their telemarketing department.) So, I run to answer the phone, dreaming of what it could be, but knowing what it probably will be.

We wouldn't even have a home phone if not for me. When we moved in to the house, The Wife suggested we just use our cell phones. But, I'm old school (or maybe just old), so I thought it might be important to still have a home phone. And, it turns out the home phone is important to have, because without it I wouldn't be up on the latest in telemarketer strategies.

The latest tactic the telemarketers use is having a recording try to pretend it is carrying out a conversation with you. It goes something like this:

TELEMARKETER RECORDING: "Hello, how are you today?" Pause.

PERSON ANSWERING THE PHONE: "Fine." Or some such thing.

TELEMARKETING RECORDING: "That's great to hear! I'm calling because I have an important blah blah blah…."

PERSON ANSWERING PHONE: (Realizes it is a recording. Hangs up.)

It's that initial attempt at conversation and pause that makes people think, ever so briefly, that they are talking to a person and not a recording. I'm not sure who they think they are fooling, because soon enough it becomes obvious that it is a recording. The next time I get one of these calls, it will go something like this:

TELEMARKETER RECORDING: "Hello, how are you today?" Pause.

ME: "Well, I've stabbed myself in the foot with a fork, and blood is getting all over my carpet!"

TELEMARKETER RECORDING: "That's great to hear! I'm calling to blah, blah, blah…."

Obviously, The Wife isn't missing much when she doesn't answer these calls. And, quite frankly, she isn't missing much when she doesn't answer any of the calls. She's right, if it's important they can just leave a message. (To be fair, I should point out that The Wife does answer the phone when our kids are at school, just in case the call is about them.)(Because the importance of the kids outweighs the annoyance of the telemarketers.)

So, I should probably adopt The Wife's attitude to phone calls, shouldn't I?

Ring!

I should just not pay any heed to the ringing of the phone.

Ring!

It will go to voice mail. They can leave a message.

Ring!

It's probably just a telemarketer, right?

Ring!

But then again, the Vikings could be in need of a backup quarterback!

Ri.."Hello?"

Less Miserable

A while back I had the kids in the car with me and we were driving through the thriving metropolis of Payson, Utah. We were stopped at one of the many traffic lights in town (by my count, there are nine!) when my six-year old daughter Roni saw something out the car window that puzzled and upset her.

She said, "What is that? I don't know what that is. I don't like that."

I replied, "What, Roni? What are you talking about?"

"That," she said. "That over there. 'Less Miserables.' What does that mean?"

We were passing an old, closed down movie theater. On the marquee of the theater was a notice about a performance by the Payson Community Theatre of the play Les Miserables.

The Payson Community Theater thanks you for your patronage!

I decided to try to take a peak into Roni's imaginative mind. "What do you think it means?"

"Less Miserables," she repeated, trying to formulate her thoughts. "Well, I think that's a place where people who are miserable go, and after they go there, they are a little less miserable."

"Less miserable, huh?" I said. "Sounds to me like being less miserable would be a good thing."

"Yes," she replied, "but I still don't think I like it much. I don't want to be around miserable."

I then explained to her that Les Miserables (pronounced by me in a really bad, over-exaggerated French accent) was a play that her mama really likes, and that someday she, too, would probably really like it, as well. (It is, after all, much like Frozen, except with more incarceration, prostitution, and revolution.) (Okay, so they're not very much like each other, but they do both have lots of songs in them.)

Roni was appeased by my explanation. She likes shows. Someday she'll go see Les Miserables and quite like it. 

I really enjoy the time I get to spend with my kids. It's times like these that they make me smile, and I find myself being less and less miserable.

Can't You See I'm Holding a Baby Here!?!

Women and men are different. (Yes, another obvious statement from the files of Mister Duh.)

My wife and I recently had a baby. (And when I say "my wife and I had a baby" I mean "my wife had a baby and I stood around trying to not get in the way.")

Over the past few weeks, I've been amazed to see all of the things my wife can accomplish while holding the baby. With the baby in one arm and/or attached to her chest, my wife can:
     Change the baby's diaper.
     Change the baby's clothes.
     Feed the baby.
     Plan next week's menu.
     Cook dinner.
     Chop broccoli.
     Stir soup.
     Take pictures of the baby and post them on Facebook.
     Shop on Amazon.com. (Mostly for diapers, baby clothes, car seats and such.)
     Help the six-year-old with her homework.
     Read books with the four-year-old.
     Pin things on Pinterest.
     Grade tests. (She's a math teacher.)
     Throw things at the cat to stop it from scratching the couch.
     Play Candy Crush.
     Make blueberry muffins.
     Play the piano.
     Bake homemade bread.
     Pay the monthly bills.
     Put together a bookshelf.
     Bring home the bacon.
     Fry it up in a pan.

And that, of course, is just a partial list.

Meanwhile, here's a list of the things I can do while holding the baby:








     (That sound you hear is crickets chirping.)

In fairness to me, what do you expect me to do? Can't you see I'm holding a baby here!?!

(Actually, you probably can't see that I'm holding a baby here.) (Let's add "taking selfies" to the list of things I can't do while holding a baby.)

When confronted with the differences of what we can accomplish while holding the baby, my wife shrugs and dismisses it as, ""That's why I'm the Mama."

[Quick aside: I did a brief, unscientific Facebook poll to see if that word should be spelled "mama" or "momma." I learned that a few more people go with "mama," and that about half of my Facebook friends are smart-alecks who won't give a straight answer.]

She's right, of course. There are some things that mothers are just more adept at and better equipped to handle than fathers. I'm pretty good at rocking the baby to sleep. Of course, I usually end up rocking myself to sleep at the same time. (I call this "synergy.")

So, yes, women and men are just different. (Says Mister Duh.) Have you ever noticed how a woman can get out of the bath or shower, wrap a towel around herself, and do just about anything, up to and including carpentry and jumping jacks, without the towel falling off at all?

If a guy wraps a towel around himself and tries to do anything that uses both hands, it is guaranteed that within two minutes the towel will drop, exposing butt crack and/or naughty bits.

Meanwhile a woman can have a towel securely covering all of her chestal and crotchatic regions and have another towel wrapped around her hair, and neither towel will fall!!! It's as if the laws of gravity have been temporarily discontinued!

My wife says this is all because women are better than men at multi-tasking. I don't know about that. I am more than capable of doing lots and lots of different things. As long as I am able to do them one at a time. And who knows, given enough time and practice, maybe I can learn and grow.

Lookie here: a successful selfie while holding the baby! There may be hope for me yet!

So, I'll keep trying, and I'll keep getting better. Just so long as I don't drop the baby. (Or the towel.)

My Photo-Journal of Salt Lake Comic Con 2014: At Comic Con No One Can Hear You Fart

I recently attended the second annual Salt Lake Comic Con. It was a hoot!

Here are a few of the things I learned while mingling with the masses at Utah's greatest nerd event:

1. At Comic Con, no one can hear you fart. And if you think someone might smell it, just blame it on the nearest passing person dressed as Deadpool. (Don't worry, one will be coming along any second.)

2. At Comic Con, you never know who you are going to meet.

I met this strange, creepy-looking creature.
(Oh, and Gollum was there, too.)

3. Do you like standing in line? Then you definitely need to check out Comic Con!

This was either:
A. The line to get in to Comic Con.
B. The line for a photo-op with Barbara Eden.
3. The line for the water fountain.
Or, D. The line to figure out which line you should be in.

4. At Comic Con, no one is afraid of a giant marshmallow man.

Who you gonna call?

5. It's not just anywhere that you can pose for a picture with KITT from Knight Rider. (Unless you like to wander random parking lots looking for old black sports cars.)

I'm trying my best to look Hasselhoffian. (But not succeeding.)

6. My nerd credentials are impeccable. I've been to multiple Comic Cons. I've been to multiple Star Trek conventions. I had (until recently) a collection of around 5,000 comic books. I wear a calculator watch. And yet, I didn't know who half of the people were dressed up as, and I felt a bit out of place because I've never seen a single episode of Dr. Who. (And I don't like Deadpool.)

Doubling up on my nerdism: Comic Con wristband and calculator watch!

7. Did I mention you get to see some of your favorite celebrities?

Sometimes they're taller in real life than you expected.

8. Erin Gray (from Buck Rogers and Silver Spoons) was beautiful and charming at her celebrity panel. My friend Daren made her laugh when he asked a question about her participation on The Battle of the Network Stars. His question: "What were you thinking?" Her answer: "What was I thinking? I wanted to win!!!"

Erin Gray: Beautiful woman and fierce competitor.

9. It's not every day you get to spend money featuring characters from The Princess Bride.

Wait, that's not Abraham Lincoln!!!

10. Spandex is a good thing.

Sometimes.

Artist Sal Velutto talking with "The Ghost Who Walks."

11. There was even some fun stuff for the kids!

Elsa on stage with Lady Skull and Iron Man.

12. It's not every day the kids can pose next to a robot they've never heard of from a show that went off the air 40 years before they were born. ("Biddi-biddi-biddi.")

"Win This Twiki!" (We did not actually win this Twiki. Or any other Twiki, for that matter.)

13. There were a lot of cool celebrities there. I was a cheapskate and didn't pay any extra money to get a photo-op or autograph. We did occasionally lurk to see which celebrities were manning their booths. Kevin Sorbo is a legend. Not only did he play the legendary Hercules, but he was legendarily manning his booth every time we walked by!

Getting a picture of Bruce Campbell's booth while Bruce Campbell wasn't there. (Does that make me frugal, stupid, cheap, or all of the above?)

14. This statue of an Orc was anatomically correct! (Actually, I don't know whether that's true or not. But when I made that joke my friend felt the need to look under this Orc's loin cloth.)

The security guards at Comic Con this year were pretty intense.

15. There were lots and lots of people dressed as superheroes and super villains. The most common costumes for females? Black Widow, Harley Quinn, and Poison Ivy. (Poison Ivy: a few strategically placed fig leaves and some green spandex and you're ready to go!) Male costumes? Batman, Spider-Man, and several Thors. Also, and I never understand this, but there were several people, male and female, dressed as Robin. Robin? Really? (And, of course, all those clowns dressed as Deadpool.)

The best way to give Iron Man a headache and stop him in his tracks? Make him stare at the Salt Palace Convention Center carpet.

16. Barbara Eden (here with I Dream of Jeannie co-star Bill Dailey) was quite entertaining and still very lovely. She told wonderful stories of meeting Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley.

News flash from Barbara Eden: The late Tony Randall cheated at gin rummy!

17. You want giant statues of trolls? Or possibly Orcs? Golems? Large ugly creatures? Well then, Comic Con is the place for you! (Not that I should be judging these creatures based solely on their physical appearance. They might be quite friendly and fun-loving for all I know.)

"You put your left foot in and you shake it all about."

18. Oh, come on, who hasn't built a life-size Superman or Wonder Woman out of Legos?

"That Superman sure is a blockhead," thought Wonder Woman.

19. Do you like crowds of people? How about crowds of people with at least one person dressed as "My Little Pony?" Come on down to Comic Con! (Hint: the pony is just to the right of the guy in the fez.)

Lots o' peoples!

20. Stan Lee, icon of Marvel Comics and co-creator (with his various artists) of the Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, the Avengers, Daredevil, Dr. Doom, Paste Pot Pete, and many others, answered questions at Comic Con. He's pretty spry for 91 years old! (It would have been nice if they had moderated the questions asked to him a bit better. It ended up being a long line of people who wanted to get hugs from him.)

After Salt Lake Comic Con was over, the organizers made a big deal out of quoting Stan Lee as saying it was "the greatest comic con in the world!" Sounds great, doesn't it? The problem is, Stan Lee speaks in fluent hyperbole, and has done so for well over 50 years. (It only took him three issues of Fantastic Four to declare it as the "World's Greatest Comic Magazine" in a blurb on the cover!) He has been to hundreds of comic cons, and he's probably called at least 75% of them the "greatest comic con in the world!" It's just how he talks. (That's not to say it wasn't a great comic con, just that Stan Lee probably called his lunch the "greatest macaroni and cheese in the world!")

Sorry it's blurry, but for a 91 year old man Stan Lee doesn't sit still very much.

21. Only at Comic Con can you have the Greatest Comicbook Artist Ever drop an f-bomb on you while trying to sell you an autographed copy of his latest Batman book! (Neal Adams told us the story would "f*%# with our minds.") (I didn't buy it. I didn't want my mind to be "f*#@& with.")

That's Neal Adams sitting at the table.

22. At Comic Con, you never know what kind of new friends you might make!

(I didn't dress up much. The closest I got to a costume was this Star Trek shirt that I wore on the first day. Interestingly enough, I wore a Minnesota Vikings shirt on the second day, and got three times more positive comments about it than I did the Star Trek shirt.) (I blame J.J. Abrams.)

Here's me and my bud Gollum having some fun together.  May he live long and prosper.

23. Only the best and the brightest attend Comic Con!

I met this brilliant, wise man at Comic Con.
(His name is Gandalf. I don't know why he was standing next to that strange, creepy-looking creature.)

24. And finally, at Comic Con you'll find some things that just can't be explained:

It's a stormtrooper helmet made up to look like the General Lee from the show Dukes of Hazzard.
A stormtrooper helmet made to look like the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard???
Yes, that's right, it's a stormtrooper helmet made to look like the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard!!!
(To quote the great philosopher Charlie Daniels, "There's some things in this world you just can't explain.")

Toilet Seat Up or Toilet Seat Down? (A Definitive Study)

It's happened to all of us.

You go to the bathroom to take care of some business, but when you get to the toilet you find that the seat is not in the position you wanted and/or expected it to be!

What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO???

Over the years a lot of male/female relationships have been torn asunder simply because of the placement of the toilet seat. It needn't be that way.

I thought it was time to do a definitive study of the situation, weighing the advantages and disadvantages of each of the possible toilet seat positions to see if we can come to a consensus as to the absolute best placement of the toilet seat.

For the purposes of this study, I'm going to assume that men pee while standing, and that women pee while sitting. (Neither is always the case, but I'm going to play the percentages.) Also, when referring to the processes of going to the bathroom, I am going to use the terms "pee" and "poop" instead of "urinate" and "defecate," mostly because I think "pee" and "poop" are funnier.

Position #1: Lid Up, Seat Up

POSITION #1: Lid Up, Seat Up:

Advantage for Men: Prime position for peeing in the potty.

Disadvantage for Men: Must lower the seat to poop.

Advantage for Women: Ummm…the joy of knowing they have left the toilet in the best possible position for their man. (Yes, I know that is quite a reach.)

Disadvantage for Women: Must lower the seat to pee and/or to poop. (We'll discuss this disadvantage in more detail later.)

General Advantages: It's a large water bowl for your dogs and/or cats! (Assuming that is something you might want.)

General Disadvantages: Dogs and cats can lick your toilet water. (Assuming this is something you might not want.) Flushes are noisier. Splatter from flushing might escape toilet onto surrounding areas. Things (combs, toothbrushes, deodorant, jewelry, etc.) might fall into toilet. Small and/or mischievous  children are more likely to play in the toilet water.

Position #2: Lid Up, Seat Down

POSITION #2: Lid Up, Seat Down:

Advantage for Men: Prime position for pooping. Makes their women happy.

Disadvantage for Men: Must raise seat to pee. (Of course, there are some men who view the seat down as an opportunity for target practice. They attempt to pee into the toilet without getting any on the seat. My advice to these men: DON'T! Numbers* show that 98.2% of all men who try to pee through the toilet seat end up getting some pee on it. So don't even try.) (*True, I just made up those numbers, but I'm 89.4% sure that they are fairly accurate.)

Advantage for Women: Prime position for pee and/or poop.

Disadvantage for Women: Worry that their man might pee on the seat.

General Advantages: Water bowl for larger dogs and cats with good balance. Good for a laugh if a cat with bad balance happens to fall in.

General Disadvantages: Pretty much the same as the General Disadvantages for Lid Up, Seat Up, except a little less. A little less noisier flush. A little less flush splatter. A little less likely to have things fall into the bowl. A little less likely kids play in the water. But all still possible.

Position #3: Lid Down, Seat Down

POSITION #3: Lid Down, Seat Down:

Advantage for Men: None.

Disadvantage for Men: Must raise lid to poop. Must raise lid and seat to pee.

Advantage for Women: None.

Disadvantage for Women: Must raise lid to pee and/or poop.

General Advantages: No animals drinking from toilet. No kids playing in toilet water. Quieter flush. No toilet flush splatter. Things won't fall into toilet. Toilet can be used as a chair, so you have a place to sit while you put on your shoes. Hides dirty toilet bowl from sight. Helps contain toilet bowl odors.

General Disadvantages: Must provide a separate water bowl for your dogs and/or cats. Slight chance there will be a surprise for you when you open the lid if the person before you didn't flush.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So there you have it, all of the advantages and disadvantages of the three possible toilet seat/lid configurations. 

And, after considering all of the data and weighing all of the options, I have reached a conclusion as to what the optimal position is for the toilet lid and seat! And, my conclusion is this:

IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!

It's really pretty simple, folks! If the toilet seat and lid aren't in the position you prefer, simply change it! It only takes two seconds to lower the seat or to raise the lid! This is not rocket science! All problems with toilet seat placement can be solved by following this simple piece of advice:

LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAK!

Of all the advantages and disadvantages listed above, the one that people are most vocal about and the one that causes the most problems is the disadvantage for women in Position #1: Lid Up, Seat Up. They complain that if they sit down without the seat down they end up sitting on the extremely cold porcelain edge of the toilet, and might actually fall down into the water. This would never be a problem if they would simply remember to LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAK!

I love my wife. There are many reasons why I love my wife. One of them is that we have never had an argument about the position of the toilet seat and/or lid. We are both intelligent enough to figure out that if the seat or lid are in a position we don't prefer, we can simply change it. My wife is wonderful!

That said, we have now generally gone to Position #3: Lid Down, Seat Down, as our usual configuration. Mostly because of the new cat. We got a new cat earlier this year, and the cat was liking the toilet water a little too much. So now the lid and seat are down. (The cat now climbs into the sink instead.)

I've found that Lid Down, Seat Down is better for other reasons, too. That list of advantages is pretty strong. Things don't fall in the toilet anymore. When something falls into the toilet, there are two questions that must be asked:

1) Is it worth reaching in to get the thing out? (Usually it is, if for no other reason than not clogging the toilet.)

and 

B) The thing that fell into the toilet, do I dare use it again? 

This, of course, depends on value. 

Toothbrush? No way! 

Toothpaste? How full was the tube, and how tight was it sealed? Probably still no. 

Wedding ring? Definitely yes. 

Hamburger? What are you doing with food in the bathroom? That is sick and wrong!

So, in conclusion, what is the best position for the toilet seat and/or lid? That's an individual choice. Each person needs to look at the advantages and disadvantages of each position and decide what is best for themselves. Just remember that in the long run IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER especially if you LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAK!!!

Vacuuming Sucks

There's always the ONE THING that the vacuum won't pick up. It doesn't matter how good your vacuum is, there will be ONE THING it won't pick up.

You'll be vacuuming along, and you'll see the ONE THING, but you won't know it's the ONE THING yet. You'll just think it's yet another some thing that the vacuum will pick up. You'll run the vacuum over the ONE THING, and you'll be surprised when the vacuum passes over it and the ONE THING is still there.

You'll back the vacuum over the ONE THING again. This time, you're not as surprised to see the ONE THING still there when you move the vacuum from off of the top of it. By this point you are starting to realize that this might be the ONE THING.

But, maybe it's not. So, you run the vacuum over the ONE THING again. And again. And again. And again. And then one more time, pushing down extra hard on the vacuum. But, it's still there. The ONE THING.

So, you finally give up. You reach down and pick up the ONE THING.

What happens next can say a lot about the kind of person you are. You've reached down and picked up the ONE THING. What do you do with it? Do you put it in your pocket and keep on vacuuming? Do you walk it right over and immediately put it in the garbage can? Or, do you fluff it up a little and drop it back onto the floor, because, by gosh, this vacuum is going to pick up this ONE THING if it's the last thing it does!!! (Guilty.)

And then, you run the vacuum over the ONE THING one more time, hoping to high heaven that the vacuum picks it up this time, because nothing is quite as humiliating as having to reach down and pick up the ONE THING by hand a second time.

This vacuum sucks!

We have a good vacuum. We really do. It was a gift from when we got married. (Thanks Uncle Dan and Aunt Sandy!)

Sometimes, I'll even use the vacuum. I'll vacuum the living room carpet at least four or five times a year, whether it needs it or not.

I'm not afraid of the vacuum. Well, as long as I am wearing shoes. If I'm bare footed bare feeted bare footened without shoes I'm always a little nervous. I've never lost a toe to a vacuum, and I don't think I really could. But why take chances?

I don't think it makes me less manly to do some of the household chores. Shortly after he was married, my brother was doing some vacuuming when my Dad chided him for doing "women's work." Times have changed a bit since Dad's day.

Of course, before you can vacuum, first you have to clear the floor of things that are too "big." Which begs the question: At what point is something too "big" for the vacuum? Something the size of a quarter? The size of a dime? The size of a thumbtack? The size of a pin? The size of the head of a pin?

At some point it seems pointless to vacuum if you have to pick up every thing that is on the floor before you start. Isn't that what the vacuum is for? To pick things up off the floor? Doesn't it kind of defeat the purpose if you have to pick everything up by hand before you use the vacuum? Why, then, use the vacuum at all?

At what point do you stop picking things up and just try your luck with the vacuum?

Of course, there is something worse that the ONE THING when it comes to vacuuming: the OTHER THING.

What is the OTHER  THING, you ask? Will you know it when you see it? No, because you never see the OTHER  THING. But, you will know it when you hear it.

You'll be vacuuming along and you'll go over the OTHER THING without even realizing it. Suddenly it sounds like someone has put a spoon in the sink disposal. Or turned on the blender with a bunch of coins in it. Or taken some china plates and tried to shove them through a wheat grinder.

How fast can you shut off the vacuum? You'll find out as soon as you vacuum up the OTHER THING! Because if you don't shut that vacuum off immediately, the vacuum just might explode! (And no one wants that.)



Now that I think of it, there's a lot to be said for lunoleum linnoleliam linoleum wood floors.

Do You Want to Buy Some Oysters?

"Do you want to buy some oysters?"


When someone approaches you to speak, you can never be totally sure what they are going to say. You might think you have an idea about what they are going to say, but sometimes the words that come out of their mouths are a total surprise.

I was at work the other night when a truck driver approached me. (I work in the truck yard of a large manufacturing/warehouse facility.) Usually when truck drivers approach me like this, they ask me where the office is. (The door to the office is not marked very well.)

So, I was more than a bit taken aback when the first thing he said to me was, "Do you want to buy some oysters?"

My initial reaction was, "Wha?" (Not "What?" but "Wha?" There is a slight difference.)

Seeing my confusion at his question, the truck driver clarified things for me. "I've got twenty pounds of oysters that they wouldn't accept at my last stop, so I'm trying to sell them to get rid of them."

"Oh. So they're rejected oysters! Well, in that case I'd love to buy them!!!" is something I certainly did not say. What I actually did say was, "Umm, no thanks."

Do you want to buy some oysters?

So, I sent the truck driver up to the office to check in. The load he was actually delivering was chicken broth. (I'm not sure why chicken broth and oysters were on the same trailer, but I gave up trying to understand things a long time ago.) Apparently, he asked several other people the same question, "Do you want to buy some oysters?" As far as I could tell, no one actually did, and he left the yard with all twenty pounds of his oysters unsold.

I asked the guard at the truck gate about it, and he said, "If it hadn't been twenty pounds, I probably would have bought them. I like oysters, but I wouldn't want that many."

So let me get this straight, it wasn't the quality of the oysters that kept him from buying them, it was the quantity! Really???

Let's go over what we know about the quality of these oysters:
1. They were rejected at the driver's last stop.
2. There are any number of reasons why the oysters might have been rejected.
C. Most of those reasons are bad.
4. Oysters come from the sea.
5. We are in the middle of Utah!!!
6. Utah is very far from any ocean! (Yes, the Great Salt Lake and Utah Lake are fairly large bodies of water, but neither is known for producing oysters!) (Or anything else edible for that matter.)
7. They were being sold by a truck driver out of the back of his truck.
8. Again, this is a parking lot in the middle of Utah, not Pike's Place Market!

So, really, the thing that kept the guard from buying these scary oysters was that there were too many of them?!?

There are no oceans or seas bordering Utah. It is not known for its seafood.

(Of course, we are in the middle of the Rocky Mountains. Maybe they were rocky mountain oysters? That might have made more sense, but it wouldn't have changed my answer. I am not going to buy bull testicles from some guy out of the back of his truck, either.)

That should have been the end of the questionable oysters, but it wasn't. Why not? Because I have a six-year-old daughter. Why would that matter? Well, because I have a six-year-old daughter, I have listened to the soundtrack of the movie Frozen approximately 492 493 times. And, because I have listened to the soundtrack of the movie Frozen approximately 493 494 times, I spent the whole evening singing "Do you want to buy some oysters?" to the tune of "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?"

Come on, sing it along with me! "Do you want to buy some oysters?"

In fact, the "Do You Want to Buy-Some-Oysters/Build-a-Snowman" song was so ingrained in my brain that the only way I could get it out was by watching the video for "Baby Monkey Riding On a Pig." (Watch the video twice and you will be singing "Baby Monkey" for the rest of your life.)

Why do I tell you this story? So that if someone comes up to you and asks "Do you want to buy some oysters," you will JUST SAY NO!!! (And if you have "Do You Want To Buy Some Oysters?" or "Baby Monkey Riding On a Pig" stuck in your brain, well, it's better than having to get your stomach pumped.)



[Special thanks to my lovely wife, Amber. My phone call with her about the questionable oysters served as the basis of this post. And to my friend Andy for infecting my brain with the "Baby Monkey" song.]