Traveling to "Sweden"

Travel is expensive. As much as we'd like to go to Europe and see all the sights, it's just not financially feasible at the moment. So, once or twice a year we'll do the next best thing: we'll load the kids in the mini-van and take a trip to IKEA!

When you step into an IKEA store, it's as if you're setting foot on Swedish soil, but you don't need a passport! And, just like any trip to a foreign land, you're going to need two things: 1) Someone to guide you; and B) Some way to get past the language barrier.

Happily, the Swedes know these things, and they're going to take care of you. To help guide you through the store, they have a series of arrows to show which direction you should be heading. (Usually, kids don't like being told where to go, but they'll gladly follow a Swedish arrow on the floor!)

He won't listen to me, but he will follow a Swedish arrow!

But, if the arrows aren't informative enough, you could always consult the Map of IKEA, which looks like the path of bread crumbs left by Hansel and Gretel. (Yes, I know that Hansel and Gretel aren't Swedish, but sometimes those German forests and Swedish forests look alike.)

It's like a real-life game of Candy Land, but with furniture instead of treats.

Once you're sure you can find your way around the place, the next problem is learning the language. It's okay--you really don't need to know what a "FLARDFULL" or a "DAGSTORP" are. In most cases it will be obvious, because those words will be next to an item that you recognize, like a sofa or a scented candle. But, sometimes you'll see the word and the item and still not know what it is. In those instances you may choose to ignore the item, or buy it and try to guess what it is supposed to be.

I have a large supply of FARGTON in my garage, and I'm willing to sell them cheap!

You might wonder, "Well, what do I need to know about the umlauts?" My answer: nothing! This is America, and we don't understand how to use the punctuation marks we've heard of, so we aren't about to pay attention to a couple of weird dots above some random letter! (Heck, most Americans can't even properly wield a semi-colon; I am one of those people.)

$2.99 seems an awful lot for a FULLFOLJA, with or without the umlaut.

Once you can find your way around, and are able to ignore all of the non-English words, exploring Sweden IKEA can be pretty fun. They have full rooms set up to show you how the furniture is supposed to be used, complete with Swedish books on the bookshelves. (My personal goal as a writer is to write a book popular enough that it will be translated into Swedish, then placed on the shelf of a display in an IKEA showroom.)

Coming soon to an IKEA bookshelf near you: "Frusen Gladje" by Slö Jö.

One of the best things about traveling to Sweden IKEA is the superior European technology. They have shopping carts where all four wheels turn! IKEA shopping carts turn with the ease of sliding on the ice of a frozen Swedish fjord! I have never been to an IKEA where I had trouble with the wheels of the shopping cart, whereas approximately 46% of all shopping carts in American stores have at least one wheel that does not do what it is supposed to do.

Wheels that turn!!!

Of course, no foreign travel is complete without sampling the native cuisine. So, prepare to feast yourself on Swedish meatballs and lingonberries! (Just don't eat too many lingonberries at once, because you know that famous Swedish saying: "Candy is dandy, but fruit makes you poop!")

So, I highly recommend traveling to Sweden IKEA when you get the chance. But remember, don't break any laws, and certainly don't shoplift, because Sweden IKEA does have an extradition arrangement with all local American law enforcement agencies.