Throw Pillows: Is There Anything More Useless?

A screen door for a submarine.
Pet rocks.
A Halloween costume for the family cat.
That parsley sprig on your plate at the restaurant.
"Reality" television.

There are a lot of useless things in this world. Add throw pillows to that list.

We recently went on vacation, and when we got to where we were staying, this is what the bed looked like:

Yes, there is a bed somewhere under all of those useless pillows.

That's a lot of useless pillows! There are at least ten superfluous pillows on top of that bed, not counting the two pillows that might actually be used. Before you can sleep in the bed, you'll have to get rid of those pillows. How? Well, by throwing them, of course! (Hence the name, "throw pillows.")

And where do you throw them? Unless you happen to have a designated throw pillow box or hamper, those throw pillows are going to be thrown onto the floor. And when throw pillows are all over the floor, that means there is less floor space for walking or dancing. Seriously, the more throw pillows there are on the floor, the greater the chance of stepping on a throw pillow and twisting your ankle.

Why so many throw pillows? What are you supposed to do with them? Without a pillow case, you can't really sleep on them. If not for sleep, why are they there? To look pretty? I've got news for you: they aren't that pretty. They're just a big pile of fluffy uselessness!

Of course, throw pillows don't always come in huge herds of ten or more. Their most common occurrence is that of two throw pillows on a couch. This frequent manifestation looks something like this:

One couch, three cushions, two throw pillows.

This is a standard, three-cushion couch. It could comfortably seat three people--if the throw pillows weren't there. With the throw pillows taking up room on each end of the couch, only two people can sit on the couch, and even then they would most likely be sitting uncomfortably on the cracks between the cushions. The only way to adequately seat three people on this couch is if the two people sitting on the outer edges pick up and hold the throw pillows. (Or throw them out of the way.) So, not only are throw pillows useless, but they actually make the couch less functional!

Throw pillows are useless, annoying, and serve no actual purpose. They're just for show. They're as useful as calligraphy on a billboard. So, the next time you see a throw pillow, do what I do: throw it!