"Everything That Is Wrong with Humanity Today"

Last night I learned that my wife represents "everything that is wrong with humanity today."

I had no idea! I know she isn't perfect. I'm aware she has a few flaws here and there. But, to find out she is everything that is wrong with humanity comes as a bit of a shock! There's a lot wrong with humanity; I'm just not sure how my wife is able to represent all of that.

But, I read it on the internet, so it has to be true, right?

Surprisingly, this was said about my wife, and not me, or Donald Trump, or Barack Obama, or Adam Sandler, or Taylor Swift, or that one guy from that annoying commercial that everyone hates.

There is a lot of good discourse and discussion on the internet. But, unfortunately, these discussions often go off the rails when someone disagrees or gets their feelings hurt, and it devolves into an exercise in name-calling and finger-pointing.

That's what happened last night. My wife presented a valid, well thought-out opinion on a subject. (I'll admit that I'm biased, and that I agree with her opinion.) However, a friend of a friend didn't agree. That's fine--differences in opinion happen all the time. But he almost immediately escalated it by calling her names ("stupid,") telling her to "F off," and then telling her, "You represent everything that is wrong with humanity today."

(Amazingly enough, the subject matter wasn't politics, which is what most of America finds so divisive today; it was about a health matter that concerns one of our children.)

I'd like to think this was an isolated incident, but I know it is not. In today's volatile political climate, this kind of name calling is becoming more and more prevalent. Look at the comments section of any politically-tinged story ( be it "real" or "fake" news) and you'll find it full of vitriol, intolerance, and hate.

The thing is, these people are emboldened by the anonymity of the internet. Since they can say it they do, because there are no immediate repercussions. People lose their sense of civility and common decency because they can hide behind a made-up name or a tiny profile picture. They think that because they'll probably never be in the same room with someone that they can say whatever they want with impunity. This man probably wouldn't have said those things about my wife if he had been standing in front of her in person. (And if he had, I probably would have punched him.)

I was grateful that several of my wife's friends defended her and called out the behavior of this bully, many of them doing so in a way that didn't deteriorate into name-calling. (Even though the guy was clearly behaving like a cotton-headed ninnymuggins.)

This kind of behavior has become a big problem. (You could even say it is "everything that is wrong with humanity today" if my wife hadn't already laid claim to that title.) But, it really should be pretty easy to stop. All we have to do is think before we write. Before you hit "enter," "return," or "send," think to yourself, "What would my Mom think if she saw what I have just written? What would my Dad think? What would sweet, lovable Aunt Franny think?"

And if that doesn't work you could try, "How would I react if someone said this to or about my child? Or my sister? Or my Grandma?"

It's okay to have differences of opinion. People can't even agree on something as simple as what is the best Pop-Tart flavor (even though, obviously, it's Frosted Strawberry.) But even though we don't see eye to eye, we can still be civil, can't we? If not, we're no better than the monkeys in the zoo flinging poop at each other.

First Day of School (A Running Diary)

The first day of school is one of the most anticipated and dreaded days of the year. As a father of four, I can tell you that I was very much looking forward to it this year, especially because of how horribly my kids were behaving on the last-day-of-no-school.

To commemorate the day, I decided to do a running diary of the first day of school. (The "running diary" is a format I've borrowed from former ESPN/Grantland/The Ringer writer Bill Simmons. I've used it a couple of times before.)

But first, the players:
     Thing 1:  9 year-old daughter (entering 4th grade)
     Thing 2:  7 year-old son (entering 2nd grade)
     Thing 3:  Two and a half year-old daughter
     Thing 4:  One year-old son
     The Wife:  Junior High math teacher crazy enough to marry me
     Me:  Stay-at-home dad and writer

Here we go:

5:30--The Wife's alarm goes off. She hits the snooze button. I think about getting up to exercise.
5:40--The Wife's alarm goes off again. She hits the snooze button again. I don't think about getting up to exercise.
5:50--The Wife's alarm goes off again. I actually get out of bed and go to the bathroom.
5:55--The Wife takes a shower.
6:00--I feel guilty for not exercising. Grab the laptop and attempt to write. (Surf Facebook instead.)
6:13--The Wife gets out of the shower. She sees me and says, "Oh, I thought you were exercising." I feel even more guilty.
6:15--I take a shower.
6:33--Attempt to write. (Stare off into space.)
6:45--Wake up Thing 1 and Thing 2. I have the following exchange with Thing 1:
     Thing 1: "I was having a hilarious dream, but I'm glad you woke me up!"
     Me: "A hilarious dream?"
     Thing 1: "The octopus was eating pizza! But I'm glad you woke me up because it's the first day of school!"
6:46--Thing 2 wakes up and has a bloody nose.
6:48--Thing 1 informs me that in her hilarious dream there was calamari on the pizza the octopus was eating.
6:50--Thing 1 and Thing 2 get dressed in their brand new* school clothes. [*NOTE: Last night The Wife picked out all of their clothes for the first week of school. Prior to that she made sure they had new clothes for school. Because she cares. (Had it been left to me they might have worn "gasp!" clothes from last year.)]
6:56--Thing 1 doesn't want breakfast if it might be messy.
7:01--Notice that Thing 2 has all brand new clothes except for ill-fitting socks he has worn for at least three years because he really wants to wear Captain America socks.
7:12--The bus arrives...for the high school and junior high kids. Thing 2 worries that he missed his bus. I explain to him that this was not his bus. (I'll have this same conversation with him 46 more times over the course of the school year.)
7:15--Auntie K arrives to do "First Day of School" hair. (She's slightly better at doing hair than Daddy.)
7:34--Hair is done.
7:35--Time for the "First Day of School" photo shoot.
7:39--Realize it is very difficult to get two children to pose together without one of them fake-smiling so hard that they look like a psycho.
7:46--Her work finished, Auntie K goes home. (She's incredible! She's like Mary Poppins without all the singing.) (Or the flying umbrella.)
7:48--Load their lunches* into their backpacks. [*NOTE: Last night The Wife packed their lunches. Because she is amazing.]
7:51--Thing 2 asks if he can go to the bus stop. (No. It's too early.)
8:00--I let them leave for the bus stop. (Even though it's still too early.)

And they're off!

8:03--They arrive at the bus stop, sit on the curb, and look bored.
8:11--The first next kid arrives at the bus stop.
8:19--The bus arrives!
8:20--The bus leaves.
8:21--With complete quiet and solitude, I attempt to write. (Actually open a file on the computer.)
8:23--I hear that Thing 4 is awake. As I go to get him, I really hope Thing 3 is still asleep.
8:24--She's not.
8:25--Change Thing 4's diaper.
8:26--Get Thing 4 a banana.
8:27--Change Thing 3's diaper.
8:28--Get Thing 3 a banana.
8:29--Make toast.
8:30--Get more banana for Thing 4.
8:35--Attempt to write. (Distracted by Facebook again.)
9:10--Smell something bad. Change Thing 4's poopy diaper.
9:12--Attempt to write. (Stare blankly into space.)
9:54--Smell something bad. (Again.) Change Thing 4's poopy diaper.
9:56--Attempt to write. (Go over old e-mails.)
10:34--Actually getting some writing done! The kids are playing quietly. All is well.
10:36--Thing 3 walks up to me, hits me in the leg, and repeatedly shouts, "I'm Velma! I'm Velma!" while holding an action figure of Daphne. She throws the Daphne action figure in anger. I stop writing to look for Velma action figure.
10:37--Find two Shaggy action figures, two Scooby-Doo action figures, and one Fred action figure. No Velma.
10:39--Find Velma! (And the world rejoices!) Sit down to write again.
10:40--Sniff. Sniff. Smell something bad. Change Thing 4's poopy diaper. (His third in an hour and a half.)
10:42--Put Thing 4 down for a nap. (All that pooping has got to make him tired, right?)
10:46--Attempt to write. (Review what I've already written.)
10:48--Thing 3 interrupts by asking me to read her a book.
11:01--Finish reading to Thing 3. (Amazingly, I was able to get away with reading the book only three straight times.)
11:02--Attempt to write. (Distracted by looking at "First Day of School" photo shoot.)
12:05--Post "First Day of School" pictures of Thing 1 and Thing 2 on Facebook.
12:40--Get Thing 4 up from his nap. Shockingly, no poop in his diaper.
12:43--Feed kids leftover spaghetti for lunch.
12:44--Realize I should not be feeding Thing 4 spaghetti on a day that isn't his normal bath day.
1:03--Use a washy-wash (washcloth) to clean spaghetti sauce out of Thing 4's face, ears, eyebrows, hair, nostrils, chin, in between his fingers, eyelashes, and anywhere else I can find it, knowing full well that despite my best efforts I won't get it all.
1:09--Attempt to write. (Doze off a little.)
3:13--Change Thing 4's diaper. There is no poop, but there are several spaghetti noodles. And some sauce.
3:37--The school bus arrives!
3:40--Thing 1 and Thing 2 arrive home from school.
3:41--Talking at the same time, Thing 1 and Thing 2 give a quick, incoherent report of everything that happened at school on the first day.
3:49--The Wife arrives home from school.
3:50--The exact same report is given of everything that happened at school on the first day. It is still incoherent.
3:51--The Wife, exhausted from a full day of work at school, collapses in her chair. We look at each other and realize we only have to do this 179 more times before school lets out next summer.

New Teacher vs. Experienced Teacher

New and improved, or old and reliable? Which do you prefer?

The new school year has arrived, and the teachers teaching your kids (and/or grandkids) vary greatly in their training and proficiency. They might be just dipping their toes into the teaching pool, or they may have spent the past thirty years soaking in the whirlpool of instruction. And that disparity can mean a vast difference in the educational guidance of their students.

Would you rather have your child taught by a brand new teacher, or by a teacher with many years of experience? It's an interesting question because they each have their positives and negatives.

The New Teacher comes right out of college with all of the latest teaching ideas and methods. The Experienced Teacher has honed and refined their skills and techniques over years of actual classroom practice.

Unlike this teacher, most teachers, both New and Experienced, will have a face, arms, and/or legs.

The New Teacher is enthusiastic, vibrant, and ready to take on the world. Chances are that if the Experienced Teacher is still teaching, it's because they love the work.

The New Teacher has a greater likelihood of being unmarried and without children, so they can devote more of their time to their students. The Experienced Teacher is more likely to be married and have children, and therefore have less time to devote to their students.

There is the possibility that the New Teacher, when faced with an actual classroom full of students, will find that they just don't have what it takes to do the job. There is the possibility that the Experienced Teacher no longer loves what they do and is only still teaching just to get a paycheck.

The New Teacher's enthusiasm might be contagious, and their students will feed off of that enthusiasm to learn and thrive. The Experienced Teacher's love of helping their students learn might shine through, creating an environment of enlightenment and edification.

The bottom line? As long as the teacher has a good mix of knowledge, skill, enthusiasm, and love, it doesn't really matter. The New Teacher and the Experienced Teacher can each be very effective! (Especially if they have the support of the students, the parents, and the school administration.)

So, let's do what we can to help the teachers out. We can never have too many energetic New Teachers, and we can never have too many skilled, Experienced Teachers who love what they do! (Maybe it would help if we only paid congressmen as much as we pay teachers.)

I Got Bit by the FitBit

Yes, I'm overweight. Yes, my wife got me a FitBit. Yes, she worried that by getting me a FitBit it would look like she was saying, "Hey, tubby, get off of your butt and start exercising!" Yes, she got it for me anyway, because she knows me well enough to know that that's not what I would think. (I actually want to exercise and get in better shape.)

When I opened the present that contained the FitBit, the idea that my wife got it for me because she thought I was fat didn't even cross my mind. Instead, my first thoughts were, "Does it actually work?" and "Do I have to wear it all the time?" And, after about two months of use, I've found the answer to both of those questions is, "Pretty much."

I git a FitBit!

At first I wondered if the FitBit was a ploy by my wife to make me get rid of my old calculator nerd watch. I'd been wearing the same model of Casio calculator watch for over 20 years. It was big, bulky, and most definitely nerdy.

Super cool! (And if you turn it upside down it says, "hellooo!")

Meanwhile, the FitBit is sleek, small, and normal looking. When compared side by side, the FitBit is much more attractive. And, despite so many fewer buttons, much more functional.

Side by side comparison.

Initially I worried if I would miss all of the functions of my watch, but it turns out that among its many features, the FitBit is a pretty good watch. Like my old bulky thing, it has time, date, alarm, and stopwatch features. It also has a light, so I can read the time in the dark (which was the one big disadvantage of the Casio.) The only thing the old watch had that the FitBit doesn't is the calculator. But, in the two months since I switched to the FitBit, I've only reached down to my wrist to use my old calculator three times. I think the trade-offs are worth it. (Plus, I've got a calculator function on my phone if I really need it.)

So, what does the FitBit do? It does a lot! Including:

     *Keeps track of how many steps you take a day. (Goal: 10,000)

     *Keeps track of how many miles you walk a day. (Goal: 5 miles)

     *Keeps track of how many flights of stairs you climb a day. (Goal: 10)

     *Keeps track of how many calories you burn each day. (Goal: 3,333)

     *Keeps track of how many minutes you exercise each day. (Goal: 30 minutes)

     *Keeps track of how many hours during the day you take at least 250 steps.

     *Shows you your current heart rate. (Beats per minute.)

     *Keeps track of how much you sleep each night.
     *It knows when I am sleeping.
     *It knows when I'm awake.
     *It knows if I've been bad or good.
(I just realized that I might be wearing Santa Claus on my wrist!)

On a good day when I met all of my goals!

That's an amazing amount of stuff for a watch on your wrist to tell you! Is it 100% accurate? No. Because it's on your wrist, it can sometimes be fooled into thinking you are or aren't taking steps. I've found that separating and folding laundry makes my FitBit think I am walking. (I've gotten several hundred steps just sitting on the couch putting away kids' clothes.) On the other extreme, I took a quarter-mile walk while pushing a stroller and my FitBit thought I was able to traverse that distance in only 73 steps. (Since my arm was mostly motionless on the stroller handle, the FitBit didn't think I was walking.)

But, those minor inconveniences are rare and usually tend to even out. Since I started using the FitBit, I've found that I'm much more likely to get off of my butt and walk. I'll take an extra trip or two upstairs so I can get stair-climbing points. And, it gives me a little buzz at fifty minutes past the hour if I haven't taken 250 steps yet as a reminder that I should get up and get moving. (250 steps per hour isn't much, but it's easy to miss when you sit around on your butt as much as I do.) So, if you see me suddenly stand up and start walking in place for two minutes, don't think I'm weird--I'm just trying to get my 250 steps for the hour. (There are plenty of other reasons why you can think I'm weird.)

Have I lost a lot of weight since I've been using the FitBit? Not really. I've only lost about five pounds in two months. But that's mostly because I've just been paying attention to one prong of the two-prong weight-loss program. I've been doing good with the exercise prong, but I haven't done much with the watch-what-you-eat prong. (If I really want to lose weight I'll have to cut back on my donut, brownie, and apple fritter intake.)

All in all I'm very glad my wife got me the FitBit. With it I look a little less like a nerd. And, it's helping me get a bit more fit.

I Saw the Sign

One day we were driving by a restaurant, and the sign said this:

Come & See!!!

Just for clarification, the sign reads:

               NEW EXTENDED

                     HO RS

               COME & SEE

I'm not exactly sure what they were trying to say with this sign. There are a number of messages they may have been attempting to convey. Let's examine a few of them:

1. They have a new, extended horse that they want you to see, they're just missing an "e."

2. They have new and extended whores that they want you to see, they just don't know how to spell "whore." (I'm not even going to ask what an extended whore is. I don't really want to know.)

3. They have new, extended hours that they want you to see, they're just missing a "u."

4. They have new, extended choirs they want you to see, they're just missing a "c" and an "i."

5. They have new, extended hors d'oeuvres they want you to see, they just had no idea how to spell "hors d'oeuvres." (I'll be honest, I had to look it up, and even then I'm not completely confident.) (Wikipedia has let me down before.) (If it was spelled like it sounds, it would be "or-derves," but heaven forbid the French make anything that easy.)

6. They have new, extended shorts they want you to see, they're just missing an "s" and a "t."

That's several different possibilities, and I really don't know which one is correct. I think it's probably #3 (hours), but I don't know for sure. What I do know for sure is that the management of the restaurant doesn't seem to care if the sign is correct or not. Why do I say that? Because the sign has looked exactly like this for over a month!

Yes, for more than a month they've been inviting passing drivers to come and see their "new extended ho rs." I'm sure that the manager of this restaurant drives by the sign at least twice a day. So do the assistant managers, the cooks, the cashiers, the maintenance crew, and the person who put the message on the sign in the first place. And yet none of those people have cared enough to send someone out to fix the sign! Do they want the sign to look like this? Do they think more people will eat at their restaurant because of the misspelled sign? Personally, I'm thinking that if they don't care about getting the sign right after over a month, maybe they don't pay attention to the other little details, like if the food is cooked properly, or if the dishes actually get washed, or if there is horse meat in the beef. (Maybe they're advertising that their meatloaf features "new extended horse" meat?)

I don't really know what it is they're trying to say. I just know I'm probably not stopping in for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or ever runch. Runch? Yes, runch. This is what the other side of the sign looks like:

Mmmm...Runch!!!

On second thought, I'm a bit curious. Maybe I'll go there for Runch after all. Who knows, they might have hors d'oeuvres made of horse served by whores. It could be entertaining.

Car Wash/Star Wars

If the rebellion had been depending on me to fly my x-wing down that space trench and make the shot to destroy the Death Star, they would have been out of luck.

I have a hard enough time pulling in to a car wash correctly.

Use the force, Luke!

It looks simple enough: just drive forward and put the front driver-side wheel into the little tire-holder. Easy! They even have little yellow markers to help guide you on your way, plus some angled metal to help push the tire into the correct spot if you are off by a few inches.

Follow the yellow brick road.

You'd have to be a completely incompetent driver to not be able to get that front tire where it's supposed to go, right?

Not so fast, my friend! It might not be as easy as it looks. Why? Because as soon as you enter the car wash, your windshield gets sprayed with water, greatly decreasing your ability to see anything in front of you. Plus, as you approach the target you can no longer see it because your own vehicle blocks the view. When driving, you can't actually see where your front tire is, so all those yellow dots quickly become useless. (And it's not like you can stick your head out of the window to look, unless you want your face to get rinsed and/or soaked.)

To see or not to see? (That is the question.)

In fact, flying down that space trench to destroy the Death Star might be easier, because you'd have R2-D2 in the back to help guide you. At the car wash there is no R2 unit, just some kids in the back seat yelling, fighting, and/or screaming.

Sure, having Darth Vader and a squadron of tie-fighters trying to shoot you down would be a distraction, but so is that guy in line behind you, honking his horn because you're moving too slow.

So, yes, I'm afraid that if the rebel forces were relying on my piloting skills to bring down the Death Star, they would have been in trouble. There would still be a giant, moon-sized thing flying through that far, far away galaxy, blowing up planets and rebel bases with ease.

And my x-wing would probably need a good washing.

Daddy Shops for Girl Shirts

I don't know very much about fashion for girls. (My wife would probably say I don't know much about fashion for adult guys, either.) (She really wants me to get rid of all my skinny ties from the 80s.)

As little as I know about what's fashionable for myself, I know even less about what my nine year-old girl should wear. My requirements for clothing for my daughter are:
     1. It needs to cover her bottom.
     2. It needs to cover her belly.
     3. No rude or snarky sayings on it.*

 *[If a shirt has something on it that we wouldn't want her to say out loud, or declares a bad attitude or attitude of entitlement, we don't want it on her shirt. This includes shirts with messages such as "I'm the Birthday Girl," or "I Got My Drama From My Mama," or "#SelfieGoals," or anything that proclaims her a "diva."]

Other than that, I know nothing. Plaid, stripes, polka dots, sequins, velour, cotton, tie-dye, it's all a jumble to me. So, when we went shopping for school clothes for the kids, my wife took my daughter with her and I ventured off with our seven year-old boy. (A couple of Spider-Man shirts and he was good.)

Finding clothes for the girl is a little more complicated. After wandering through dozens of designs and styles, we came across several racks of shirts that featured flip sequins. What are "flip sequins," you ask? Sequins are a series of small, shiny disks sewn onto clothing for decoration. A flip sequin has a different color on each side, so that when the sequins are brushed in one direction they form one image, but when brushed in the other direction they form a different image.

Here's an example:

Flip sequins! (I'm sure this is a fad that will have as much staying power as scratch-and-sniff shirts and/or mood rings.)

On the shirt on the left, when the sequins are pushed in one direction, the heart is pink and has the message, "Stay True." When the sequins are pushed in the other direction, the heart is gold and displays the message, "Grl Pwr." (By the way, I'm fine with the message of "Grl Pwr," although I would prefer it actually be spelled correctly.)

I know just enough about fashion to believe that the fact that they had several racks of these flip sequin shirts means one of two things:
     1. This style of shirt is new, hot, trendy, and very much in demand.
Or
     2. This style of shirt is no longer trendy, and they have so many racks of them because they are trying to get rid of them.

The donut on this shirt can either have striped frosting, or frosting with sprinkles, depending on which direction the sequins are flipped.

My guess (and it's just a guess) is that the shirts are still trendy. Why? Because I think if they were trying to just get rid of them, the price would be a bit lower. (Of course, this opinion is coming from an old guy who thinks that anything over $10 for a kid's shirt is overpriced.)

Did we get one of these shirts for our daughter? No, but it had nothing to do with trendiness or price. It had to do with the fact that I don't want people walking up to my daughter and putting their hand on her chest in order to flip the sequins. Thanks, but no thanks.

We did end up getting my daughter a few shirts and outfits, and I think she'll look very nice in them, without anyone needlessly touching her. But, I do think it's a good thing my wife was there, because if not I probably would just have gotten my daughter a couple of Spider-Man shirts, too. (Everyone looks good in Spider-Man shirts.)

Summer vs. Back to School

Summer vacation: enjoy it while you can! For those who don't have to be at work, it can be a wonderful, fun-filled adventure. But, seemingly without warning it'll be time to go back to school, and it will all come to a screeching halt.

On a random summer day you can sleep in until 10:30 (or later) if you want. Once school starts, the alarm goes off before 7:00 AM.

On a random summer day you can take your time and make a big, nice, fancy breakfast. (Or brunch.) (Or lunch, depending on how long you sleep in.) Once school starts, you'll be lucky if you have enough time to scarf down a bowl of Lucky Charms before you have to get out the door.

On a random summer day there are no giant yellow taxis cruising through your neighborhood.

On a random summer day you can do just about anything you want. You can go camping, hiking, swimming, picnicking, or any other fun activity you can think to do. Once school starts you can still do anything you want...except for between the hours of 7:00 AM and 4:00 PM when all your time is precisely scheduled. Or after 9:00 PM, when you need to be in bed.

On a random summer day you can stay up as late as you want; there is no bedtime. Once school starts, if you stay up past 9:00 PM you're going to have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.

On a random summer day there won't be any homework, but there might be a parade, or a carnival, or fireworks. Once school starts, there WILL be homework.

On a random summer day you can wear whatever you want: shorts, sweatpants, tank tops, swimsuits, flip flops, or thongs. (Okay, well maybe not thongs.) Once school starts you have to be presentable, so you usually wear new clothes. They look nice, but they might not be comfortable because they aren't broken in yet.

On a random summer day, the sun rises before you get out of bed, and it doesn't go down until late in the evening. Once school starts, the sun hides behind the mountains earlier and earlier every night.

On a random summer day you can enjoy yourself and think that summer will never end. Once school starts you can start looking forward to NEXT summer.

How Do You Like Your Spam?

I never knew I wanted Chorizo Spam until I saw it in the store.

Yes, I said, "Chorizo Spam." Actually, to be completely accurate it is "Spam with Chorizo seasoning." Doesn't that sound delicious? Haven't you always thought, "Do you know what would make Spam (America's third least favorite meat-like food substance*) even better? If it had a hint of Spanish sausage!"

*[Spam finishes just in front of liverwurst and pimento loaf.]

Mmmm...it's Glorious SPAM!!!

Do people still buy Spam? We used to have Spam when I was a kid. Mom used to slice it up, fry it on the griddle, and slap it on some bread for a sandwich. It was similar to bologna, except thicker and more rectangular-ish. (To be fair I should point out that there was one dish Mom made with Spam that I really liked, but it was more due to the eggs, pickles, and melted cheese than the Spam.)

For the most part, people find Spam undesirable. That's why we named our junk mail after it. Both kinds of Spam are unrelenting, ever-present, and uninvited. Spam is always there, even though we really don't want it.

But now, Spam comes in flavors! I'm somewhat intrigued. I'm almost interested enough to buy some and chop it up into a taco, like the picture on the front of the Chorizo Spam can. Almost, but not quite.

Maybe I'll try Teriyaki Spam instead. Yes, I said "Teriyaki Spam." Because that's a thing, too. I could slice up a big chunk of Teriyaki Spam, slap it on top of a bed of rice, serve it with some seaweed, and have some faux* sushi. Because nothing screams sushi quite like Spam.

*[Faux means fake or pretend. I'm not sure why anyone would make pretend sushi out of Spam.]

Is it sushi? Is it SPAM? Is it both?

The Teriyaki and Chorizo were the only two new flavors of Spam that I saw in the store, but I wonder if they are working on any others. And if so, what could they be? Here are a few possibilities:
     Chipotle Spam
     Chipolte Spam (for those who have trouble spelling or pronouncing "Chipotle.")
     Pumpkin Spice Spam
     Asiago Spam
     Southern Barbecue Spam
     Spam with Kale
     Fresh Alaskan King Crab Spam
     Italian Spice Spam
     Hot Spam! (with Ghost Peppers)
     Cinnamon Spam
     Salmon Spam
     Hawaiian Spam (with Pineapple Tidbits!)
     Red Velvet Spam
     And, coming soon to your favorite fast food franchise: McSpam!

I have a feeling these two flavors are just the beginning.

In the end, I didn't buy any Spam, and I doubt any of these "exciting" new flavors are enticing enough to get me interested. There's a reason why we named our junk-mail after Spam: it's ever-present, but no one seems to pay much attention to it.

But, in a way, it's comforting to know that Spam is always there. If, for some strange reason, I ever get a hankering for a meat-like substance that is rectangular with rounded edges, I just might reach for a can.