Friday, January 22, 2016

Dessert for Breakfast!!!

Apparently, they have finally just given up.

Not so long ago there was a lot of hand-wringing about the excess amount of sugar in children's sugary cereal. Cereals began touting how they had "high fiber," "whole grains," and "no fat." Cereals wanted people to think they were good for you. They wanted you to think of cereal as a healthy choice for breakfast.

It was a nice effort, and it may even have worked on occasion. But now the cereal companies have given up. They just don't care what you think about their cereals anymore.

Why do I say this? Well, the other day I was walking down the cereal aisle at the store and I saw this:

Sprinkled Donut Crunch!!! Part of this healthy (?) breakfast!
Yes, that's right, it's Cap'n Crunch's Sprinkled Donut Crunch! And, for clarification, it's not just any old Donut Crunch, it's Sprinkled Donut Crunch! (Check out the Cap'n gleefully flinging the sprinkles!)

So, to heck with even attempting to appear nutritious. The fine folks at Quaker are taking aim directly at our children with a three-pronged attack: 1) kids love donuts; 2) kids love sprinkles; and C) kids love cartoon characters. (Although personally I've always been a little leery of Cap'n Crunch. His eyeballs and eyebrows are on the outside of his hat! Also, if he was a real Captain I don't think they'd always be so careful to spell his name "Cap'n.")
His eyebrows appear to float above his head. They actually cast a shadow on his hat!
When I saw the Sprinkled Donut Crunch I immediately thought of an old Saturday Night Live skit from the late 1970s in which John Belushi trains for the decathlon by eating "Little Chocolate Donuts." (Check out the link.) (They're the "Donuts of Champions!") Only this time it's not a skit. It's real life. Kids all over the country will be "training" by eating little Sprinkled Donuts!

I would maybe give them the benefit of the doubt, but the Sprinkled Donut Crunch was located on the shelf right next to the boxes of Oops! All Berries, which sounds like it might be healthy until you look at the sugar content and realize that real berries don't look like technicolor rabbit droppings.

Oops! All Berries! (No actual berries were harmed in the making of this cereal.)
As I walked down the cereal aisle, I saw a few signs that not everyone had succumbed to the Sprinkled Donut craze. There was some Special K, some Cracklin' Oat Bran, and some Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

But, just as I was starting to have some hope for the future of humanity, I came across this:
Ice Cream Pebbles! (Because nothing sounds better for breakfast than ice cream!)
Yes, that's right, Ice Cream Pebbles! Unfortunately, Ice Cream Pebbles aren't made with actual ice cream, they are only ice cream flavored. (A close examination of the box finds the word "Flavored" in tiny print at the end of the big words "Ice Cream.")

The Ice Cream Pebbles are even more outlandish than the Sprinkled Donut Crunch, because at least some people actually eat donuts for breakfast. No one eats ice cream for breakfast. (Well, no one with any self-respect.) 

The Ice Cream Pebbles is a new flavor because, apparently, the Fruity Pebbles and Cocoa Pebbles weren't quite enough like dessert, despite the fact that the Cocoa Pebbles box claims that "It's Like An XTREME Milkshake!" (The Cocoa Pebbles box also says, "Turns Milk XTREMELY Chocolatey!" and "Extreme CHOCOLATEY Blast!") (Make no mistake, these Cocoa Pebbles are "XTREME!")
Wait. Should we really be eating pebbles? Aren't pebbles small rocks?
I'm really worried about the youth of today. They'll spend their early years eating donuts and ice cream for breakfast! What kind of life is that?

Actually, I'm not sure what I'm complaining about. I like donuts! I like ice cream! If only they made a cereal out of cookies.
All the healthy goodness of cookies now available in your cereal bowl!

Oh. I forgot about those. Hmm...I wonder if anyone makes a cheesecake cereal?

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