Resolution Revolution

It's a brand new year. It's time to look at things with fresh, new eyes. Unless those eyes are still bleary from staying up too late partying on New Year's Eve. Of course, if you are the parent of young'uns like we are, your New Year's Eve "partying" involved letting the kids stay up late (past 10:00 PM), then struggling to keep yourselves awake until midnight. (The Wife didn't make it. She fell about ten minutes short of the New Year.)

The new year is a time when a lot of people get introspective and try to figure out ways to make themselves and their lives better. Each New Year's Day an average of 42.7 million* resolutions get made. And of those 42.7 million, about 36.9 million* of those resolutions are broken before February 1st. (*As always, at least 85.2% of statistics found on this blog are completely made up.)

So, here are some of the resolutions I have made. Maybe you can make some use of them yourself:

--20 pounds. I'm not sure if I should try to lose 20 pounds or gain 20 pounds. Either way, I'm going to be 20 pounds different on next New Year's Day.

--Be a better husband. "Uh-on't know," is NOT a preferred answer to questions like "What do you want to do?" and "What do you want for dinner?" In fact, I should probably eliminate "Uh-on't know" from my vocabulary completely. Will I be able to do this? Uh-on't know.

--Be a better father. It's always good to pay attention to your kids. Even if it means less time on espn.com and more time putting dresses on dolls. (Much more difficult than it sounds. Cinderella's dresses are way too tight.)

--Write more. I like my job. (It pays better than staying at home doing nothing.) That said, I don't love my job, and I don't want to be doing it ten years from now. Ten years from now I'd like to be sitting at a desk somewhere, writing about farts. Or monkeys. Or farting monkeys. So, that means I have to write more than one little blog article a month.

--Make better use of my time. Whatever it is I am doing, there is a good chance there is something better that I could be doing. So, any time I am reading something or watching something and I hear or see the word "Kardashian," I will immediately stop what I am doing and do something more useful.

--Stop swearing. I do a pretty good job of not swearing around other people. But, when I am at work by myself, I have a tendency to spew profanity. I need to stop. Especially because there are so many alternative words that I could use, such as: frick, flip, shoot, poop, butt, bum, shiznit, or hot buttered toast. In fact, if said with the right inflection, pretty much anything can sound enough like a profanity that it can take the place of one. As an example, I have recently caught myself muttering, "What in the flying fairy school!" In this case, "flying fairy school" easily substitutes for another, naughtier "f" word. (Also, it shows that I have been watching WAY too much "Sesame Street.")

--Act happier. I have a good life, and I am generally pretty happy. I have a beautiful, wonderful Wife. I have two awesome, amazing kids. And yet, most people I meet probably think I am grumpy, because that's the default look on my face. I need to smile more. Maybe people could see the happiness in my heart if I tried skipping instead of walking? (On second thought, no. There is a fine line between looking happy and looking insane. Plus, if I were to skip instead of walk I would undoubtedly trip, fall, and hurt myself.)

--Make MORE resolutions as the year goes on. Why do we only make resolutions at New Year's Day? Why do we work at exercising and dieting in January, but by March we're stopping at Krispy Kreme to get a dozen every day, eating cake frosting out of the container with a spoon, and trying to figure out ways to work Twinkies into recipes? I'm going to try to use every holiday as an excuse to look how to better myself. Maybe on Martin Luther King Day I'll resolve to stop slouching. On Valentine's Day I'll resolve to stop picking my nose. (It WOULD make the day a bit more romantic.) On President's Day I'll resolve to wear clean socks every day. And so on.

This can be our "resolution revolution!" If we keep making resolutions throughout the year, by the time next New Year's rolls around, we'll be much better people. Unless, of course, we forget about it all by March and we're sitting around eating our dinner of Twinkie ravioli. (With Ding Dong sauce.)