One Size Fits...Sometimes

One size fits all.

It's a phrase we hear often. It's a phrase we seldom believe.

Really? One size fits all? Have you seen the different sizes people are? Take a look at Mary Lou Retton.(If you like, you can even picture her falling out of a pinata, like in her Dairy Queen commercial.) Then think of Shaquille O'Neal. (Then picture him 40 or 50 pounds heavier than the last time you saw him, because now that he is retired and no longer chasing around the Tim Duncans of the world, those Double Whoppers with Cheese add up pretty quick.) Now, picture Mary Lou and Shaq standing next to each other. (She's smiling, isn't she?) If Mary Lou stood inside Shaq's size 22 hightops, they would probably come up over her knees. Can you imagine ANYTHING that would fit one and also fit the other?

My problem isn't with the people who claim one size fits all. They are either deluded or blatant liars. My problem comes when one specific size doesn't fit the same every time.

Not long ago, I lost some weight, and it was time to step down a size in my jeans. I have one brand and style of jeans that I have been wearing for years. (Wrangler carpenter.) (I like the little side pocket for my cell phone.) I've got six pair of jeans. (That may seem like a lot, but I wear them for work every day.) They all SAY they are the same size, but they are not. Two pair are too loose, two pair are too tight, and two pair are juuuust right. (Yes, you can tell I have small children, because I just turned this story about pant sizes into "Goldilocks and the Three Bears.")

One size fits…maybe? (If I suck in my gut.)

Is it asking too much to get some consistency? In a perfect world, jeans from every different company that SAY they are a certain size would all BE that same size, so I could freely move between Wrangler, Levi, Lee, Rustler, Ed's House O' Jeans, or any other brand without worrying about size discrepancies. But that's not even what I'm asking for here. I can't even get the same BRAND to be consistent.

I have the same problem with shoes. When I try on shoes I land anywhere between size 10-and-a-half and size 12-and-a-half. It makes buying shoes online virtually impossible. Maybe it's a ploy to keep shoe salesmen in business? (If so, it's not working, because I haven't been to a store where the shoe salesman brings out the shoe and puts it on your foot for you since about 1989.)

Or, they could just be messing with our minds. Most of these shoes and jeans are made in foreign sweat shops. Maybe the workers are thinking, "Stupid, fat American thinks he can fit in a size 34? We'll see about that."

In the end, I don't care what size the label SAYS my clothes are, I just want clothes that fit. So, I may have to resort to the closest thing we have to "one size fits all": stretchy spandex! Please don't make it come to that. (I wonder if anyone makes spandex pants with a side pocket for my cell phone?)