Before I Became a Dad....

• Before I became a dad, I never sniffed anyone else's butt in public. (Or in private, for that matter.)
• Before I became a dad, I used to think shows like "The Simpsons" and "Malcolm In the Middle" were funny. Not so much now, because I don't want my kids to get any ideas from them.
• Before I became a dad, I never thought of a stairway as the Scary Jagged Incline of Pain and Terror.
• Before I became a dad, I never knew I could get so much enjoyment from a simple game of "Peekaboo."
• Before I became a dad, I never carried around a bag filled with items specifically designed to take care of the situation if someone were to poop their pants.
• Before I became a dad, I used to think shows like "Friends" and "How I Met Your Mother" were funny. Not so much now, too much promiscuity. (Where's "Little House On the Prarie" when you need it? Heck, at this point I might even sit through that snorefest "The Waltons!"*) (*I think that might be the first time "The Waltons" has ever been followed by an exclamation point.) (Good night, John Boy, indeed.)
• Before I became a dad, I never knew car seats were so hard to install.
• Before I became a dad, I never knew the Dumbo ride at Disneyland could be so much fun.
• Before I became a dad, I never fed anyone else with a spoon, or used a spoon to scoop up the food that didn't make it into the mouth the first time and tried to shove it back in again.
• Before I became a dad, I never knew there were such things as a "left" sock and a "right" sock. (Apparently, sometimes girls socks need to go on specific feet in order for the bow to be on the correct side. Who knew?) (Not me.)
• Before I became a dad, I never uttered the phrase, "First go into the bathroom, then take off your pants."
• Before I became a dad, I never knew Dora the Explorer could find anything with just a little help from Boots the Monkey, her Backpack, and some random friend who speaks only Spanish.
• Before I became a dad, I never had much interest in anyone else's bowel movements.
• Before I became a dad, I never knew the names of every single Disney princess. (Or the entire lyrics to the "Bibbidi-Bobbid-Boo" song.)
• Before I became a dad, I never knew nap time was such a wonderful thing! (Okay, I did kinda know this one.)
• Before I became a dad, I never knew I could move so fast when someone uttered the simple phrase, "I gotta go potty." (If I could channel that speed into some sort of race, I just might make the Olympic team.)
• Before I became a dad, I did know that spaghetti should not be used for styling someone's hair. I just never met anyone crazy enough to try it.
• Before I became a dad, I never worried about every little crumb on the floor possibly going into someone's mouth.
• (The Wife suggested: Before I became a dad, I never said the word "poop" more than four times a day. Obviously, she doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. (Poop is a funny word.))
• Before I became a dad, I never tried to fold a stroller. (It's not as easy as it looks.)
• Before I became a dad, I never got so excited when someone pulled himself up to standing.
• Before I became a dad, I had never heard of a "breastsicle." (Frozen breast milk.)
• Before I became a dad, I had never eaten that many raisins and Cheerios in church.
• Before I became a dad, I never worried about the pain and suffering I might cause to my children by passing on to them my love of the Minnesota Vikings.
• Before I became a dad, I never worried so much about anyone pooping in the tub.
• Before I became a dad, I never thought I'd eat any food that someone else had already slobbered on. (Why does she have to take one bite out of every chicken nugget? Can't she just eat two whole nuggets and leave the rest slobber-free for me?)
• Before I became a dad, I never read the same book, from cover to cover, 23 times in the same day.
• Before I became a dad, I never picked anyone else's nose. (The old saying goes: "You can pick your nose. You can pick your friends. But you can't pick your friend's nose." It make no mention of your children's noses.)
• Before I became a dad, I never knew I could love two little people soooo much!!!